25AM - Update

Sooo... we now have an above ground pool - a ghetto ass one, but still nice...  today looks like the first day we'll be able to go in it!!!  I need sun desparately - I used to be a dark olive mediterranean color and now I'm the pale kid.  :(  Meh...

Yesterday my boytoy and I went to my mom's... we watched Inception for the 2nd time - that movie gives me horrible anxiety because of all the "am I dreaming, is this real?" - just like my DP in real life... I won't be watching that movie ever again likely - as cool as it was... 

In other news, the job I was offered was supposed to start tomorrow, but I haven't heard anything yet...  :(  Are any of my readers billionaires?  I need a job.  I need a new camcorder before I leave for Germany... I really want to make more videos for you guys and I'd rather do it now than when I'll be making Germany / study abroad videos...  Blah!

I'll find a way!  ;P 

Until later...!

23PM - One computer back online!

Only took a month... jeeeeez!  My dad ended up fixing it for me - he's a software engineer and a whiz at anything to do with computers.  So much has happened in the last month!  First off, I have to say I'm doing much better.  I still have episodes of DP, but they're much less frequent and less intense.  I'm so happy with my life (most of the time, lol) and I'm glad to have the opportunity to start over in Germany in two months... I can't believe it's almost time to leave!!!  I really think what I've been doing has helped tremendously and I want to share everything I've learned with you guys ASAP.  I'm so glad I've had so much support from all my followers - you guys really helped me through a rough patch in my life. 

I'll hopefully be getting a camcorder within a week so that I can start vlogging again.  Also, I'm pretty sure I have a job lined up that starts next week with a friend of the family...  I only have two months to work, but atleast it's something.  I just need to win something - I think I'm due - I've never won anything before! 

Right now I have to go clean up the kitchen - I'm making haluski, chicken noodle soup, and chili later on.  Stashing it away for the week...  :D

I'll write more later tonight... until then!  ^^

26 - BOTH computers are down...

I haven't been able to write because BOTH of my computers are currently broke... And I have no money to fix them... Speaking of which... I haven't found a job yet either... Still searching, applied to some shittier (is that a word?) jobs yesterday... we'll see what happens... All I know is that I need cash NOW.  :(  And I have none...  :\

Not really any updates yet...  I'm still doing ok... I have my moments where I freak out, but not as badly anymore. 

OH!  I cut my hair... It was like... nipple-length, haha... and now its like ear length... she cut it a bit too short for my likes... but owell, can't change it now.  It looks good anyway.

18PM - We're all going to die in 3 days...

LOL... ask some of these wackos and that's what they'll tell ya... "ZOMG End of teh world on May 21, 2011!!!"  I will be sitting with my popcorn watching it all go down. 

And for those of you who follow my YouTube as well... I assume you've noticed I've been "arguing" - and I say that in parenthesis because no one is really listening to what I say - with these gay-bashing morons...  I'm all for gay rights... I'm all for human rights - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!  As far as I know, two consenting adults wanting to have a loving relationship doesn't hurt anyone...  So I encourage you guys to "argue" with these dopes as well... it's fun in a way... and who knows?! ...maybe you'll get through to one of these goons!  Ya never know, so it's worth a shot! 

Anyway... I'm doing better now... a little cloudiness and at the moment a slight headache... but other than that I've been back on track with my vitamins and such... 

I still can't believe "Betty" did this to our family... she ruined everything... stole so much money and got our business shutdown - because she stole...  We currently have no income.  I really don't know what's going to happen.  I'll keep you updated.  I must apologize - I promised that I would write more, but I just really haven't had time or the motivation...  We're going through a really rough patch, so bear with me!

15PM - Caught in another cycle of stress and anxiety... meh...

After all this with "Betty" and her stealing so much money from us... I have endured a shit-ton of stress and am again experiencing more DP... I really thought I was on my way out, which I am, I consider this as a minor speed bump, but I'm just so damn down from feeling this way again.  I get so scared when I feel disconnected, I start pondering the meaning of life and my place here if I can't feel anything.  But I know it will get better, I do have better days, and I will be myself again one day.  Until then all I can do is ride it out and keep my hopes up.  Let me clarify - I'm not suicidal at all, I just feel like I'm going crazy, losing control or could drop dead at any minute...  My ears aren't helping at all either - my vision is all screwed from it too and that really bothers me, it really gets my anxiety going.  I'm going to try taking some more allergy meds tomorrow as I also have hay fever - horrible time of year for me - but I was also told that my ears could be acting this way because of allergies... so I'll give anything a shot!


I really wish you guys would comment, especially if you have similar symptoms and such... or share anything at all.  I write for us all to learn - it's hard to do that when everyone only hears my side...  Just post anonymously, that's fine!  ^^

11PM - Getting ready for studying abroad...

It's been crazy here.  I took my brother to the doctor today.  Helped at the office, waited to hear the news on whether or not "Betty" was getting arrested... she wasn't  *YET*  ...  And now I'm getting everything together for my trip. 

I have to apply for my visa ASAP... And book my flight... other things can wait... but those two are top priority along with getting a job.  I NEED cash NOW!!!  haha...  That job hasn't called me back yet, so tomorrow I will call them to see if the position is still even open.  I hope so...  Also, I need to finish my hair - it's still half blonde!!!

Ah, and I have to call back the Ear Nose Throat doctor... I need to have this ear problem fixed, I can't live like this the rest of my life... I just can't.  The focusing on small print and while driving are the worst - I can't take anymore, the rest I could deal with, but this eye thing... It's too much!  Once I get some things taken care of around the house and my job landed and the ears fixed... and my visa / flight taken care of... I will continue all of my series for anxiety / panic / religion / environmental issues / whatever is requested...  Also, please comment or drop me an email, I like to know I'm helping and what I can do to improve.  I won't bite!  ^^

10AM - Long weekend...

I promise I'll get back to writing ASAP!  ...I just had a crazzzy weekend and now I'm on the rag... again of course!... It never ends!  Tomorrow I have to drive my little brother to his doctor's appointment, which means I have to drive 45 minutes to my mom, 35 minutes to the doctor, 35 back and then 45 back. Lovely.  But all for my little bro, so it's ok... I just HATE driving.  And I wouldn't want to be responsible for anything happening to him.  I'd never forgive myself.  Anyway...

I'm still waiting for a phone call for an interview or something...  If they don't call by Thursday or Friday, I'm going to call to see if the receptionist job has been filled.  :(  I hope not, haha!  But if so, then that means I'm in for a weekend of job-hunting. 

I'm going to go now, I just don't feel well.  :/