26 - BOTH computers are down...

I haven't been able to write because BOTH of my computers are currently broke... And I have no money to fix them... Speaking of which... I haven't found a job yet either... Still searching, applied to some shittier (is that a word?) jobs yesterday... we'll see what happens... All I know is that I need cash NOW.  :(  And I have none...  :\

Not really any updates yet...  I'm still doing ok... I have my moments where I freak out, but not as badly anymore. 

OH!  I cut my hair... It was like... nipple-length, haha... and now its like ear length... she cut it a bit too short for my likes... but owell, can't change it now.  It looks good anyway.

18PM - We're all going to die in 3 days...

LOL... ask some of these wackos and that's what they'll tell ya... "ZOMG End of teh world on May 21, 2011!!!"  I will be sitting with my popcorn watching it all go down. 

And for those of you who follow my YouTube as well... I assume you've noticed I've been "arguing" - and I say that in parenthesis because no one is really listening to what I say - with these gay-bashing morons...  I'm all for gay rights... I'm all for human rights - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else!  As far as I know, two consenting adults wanting to have a loving relationship doesn't hurt anyone...  So I encourage you guys to "argue" with these dopes as well... it's fun in a way... and who knows?! ...maybe you'll get through to one of these goons!  Ya never know, so it's worth a shot! 

Anyway... I'm doing better now... a little cloudiness and at the moment a slight headache... but other than that I've been back on track with my vitamins and such... 

I still can't believe "Betty" did this to our family... she ruined everything... stole so much money and got our business shutdown - because she stole...  We currently have no income.  I really don't know what's going to happen.  I'll keep you updated.  I must apologize - I promised that I would write more, but I just really haven't had time or the motivation...  We're going through a really rough patch, so bear with me!

15PM - Caught in another cycle of stress and anxiety... meh...

After all this with "Betty" and her stealing so much money from us... I have endured a shit-ton of stress and am again experiencing more DP... I really thought I was on my way out, which I am, I consider this as a minor speed bump, but I'm just so damn down from feeling this way again.  I get so scared when I feel disconnected, I start pondering the meaning of life and my place here if I can't feel anything.  But I know it will get better, I do have better days, and I will be myself again one day.  Until then all I can do is ride it out and keep my hopes up.  Let me clarify - I'm not suicidal at all, I just feel like I'm going crazy, losing control or could drop dead at any minute...  My ears aren't helping at all either - my vision is all screwed from it too and that really bothers me, it really gets my anxiety going.  I'm going to try taking some more allergy meds tomorrow as I also have hay fever - horrible time of year for me - but I was also told that my ears could be acting this way because of allergies... so I'll give anything a shot!


I really wish you guys would comment, especially if you have similar symptoms and such... or share anything at all.  I write for us all to learn - it's hard to do that when everyone only hears my side...  Just post anonymously, that's fine!  ^^

11PM - Getting ready for studying abroad...

It's been crazy here.  I took my brother to the doctor today.  Helped at the office, waited to hear the news on whether or not "Betty" was getting arrested... she wasn't  *YET*  ...  And now I'm getting everything together for my trip. 

I have to apply for my visa ASAP... And book my flight... other things can wait... but those two are top priority along with getting a job.  I NEED cash NOW!!!  haha...  That job hasn't called me back yet, so tomorrow I will call them to see if the position is still even open.  I hope so...  Also, I need to finish my hair - it's still half blonde!!!

Ah, and I have to call back the Ear Nose Throat doctor... I need to have this ear problem fixed, I can't live like this the rest of my life... I just can't.  The focusing on small print and while driving are the worst - I can't take anymore, the rest I could deal with, but this eye thing... It's too much!  Once I get some things taken care of around the house and my job landed and the ears fixed... and my visa / flight taken care of... I will continue all of my series for anxiety / panic / religion / environmental issues / whatever is requested...  Also, please comment or drop me an email, I like to know I'm helping and what I can do to improve.  I won't bite!  ^^

10AM - Long weekend...

I promise I'll get back to writing ASAP!  ...I just had a crazzzy weekend and now I'm on the rag... again of course!... It never ends!  Tomorrow I have to drive my little brother to his doctor's appointment, which means I have to drive 45 minutes to my mom, 35 minutes to the doctor, 35 back and then 45 back. Lovely.  But all for my little bro, so it's ok... I just HATE driving.  And I wouldn't want to be responsible for anything happening to him.  I'd never forgive myself.  Anyway...

I'm still waiting for a phone call for an interview or something...  If they don't call by Thursday or Friday, I'm going to call to see if the receptionist job has been filled.  :(  I hope not, haha!  But if so, then that means I'm in for a weekend of job-hunting. 

I'm going to go now, I just don't feel well.  :/

7AM - ^^ School's out for summer! School's out forever!

...well, not forever, but I'm fine with that.  ^^  I'm waiting for my lavender bath to fill up right now...  Feels nice to not have any homework floating over my head or exams, or speeches...  I'm loving it!  ^^

I applied to an environmental services job yesterday... we'll see what happens... I REALLY want this job... and it pays well - 14-16 $ per hour... I'll take that!  :D

I really hope they take me... I NEEEEEEED the money man...  One of the first things I'm getting will be a new camcorder, so I can start making videos again for you guys...  And document my trip to Germany for those who are interested in the process of studying abroad! 

Well I best go for now - my bath is likely dangerously full by now.  ;P

6AM - Last day of finals, only one left to do!

What a crazy week...  I can't believe I lived through it, haha.  It really was hell...  ^^  But I only have one more final today, and I cannot wait until it is over. 

Then, onward to job hunting!  I need a 10+ dollar per hour job.  Those types of jobs are difficult to find...  But I'll just have to dress to kill and put on some extra makeup.  ^^  I'll get what I need. 

If any of my readers are billionaires, feel free to send me some money - I'd appreciate it.  :D

Oh, I almost forgot! I want to rant about my mom real quick.  So I live with my fiance, about 45 minutes north of my mom.  This weekend is mother's day as we all know.  I told her we'd be out to see her, and maybe we'd do a joint mother thing with my fiance's mother as well.  So fast forward to this week - hell week.  She texts me on... tuesday I think it was.  Asking what our plans are...  I told her I'd call her at the end of the day with certain plans.  I forgot to call as I'm losing my mind over finals and getting the last of my homework finished.  Also, if you remember what I told you guys about what happened at our fmaily business - how our one employee walked out... turns out she stole over $300,000 dollars from us...and we can't  pay any of our own bills or expenses now.  My mom knows very well the situation - not the money being gone part, but what happened and how we're struggling to keep the business running.  So yesterday she sends me another text saying - "If you don't call me back soon, I'll just make my own plans."  WTF mom?  You KNOW I'm in university - You KNOW I have finals now - You KNOW I've been struggling with anxiety / DP and getting my school work done.  Why add this extra pressure on me right now?  I already told her that I'm coming to see her on Sunday.  It's killing me. 

Am I wrong?  Is she putting too much pressure on me?

Thoughts? Comments?

...

Well, I have a few labs to finish up to turn in today, so I have to go for now.  I'll be back later... ^^

3PM - First final down, 5 more to go!

I aced it.  Absolutely aced it.  But that does not comfort me as my next final is tomorrow morning at 8am!!!   :(  I do not like this...  My fiance will drive me though, so it's all good.  Early morning + me + driving = no go.  I can't believe it has come to this.  I don't want to be "that guy".  I don't want to be the person who is reliant on everyone around her.  I was the strong independent woman who took care of everyone else around her for her entire life.  Now look at me...  But I know this will pass.  I will eventually get through this.  Besides, I get to go to Germany for an entire year, where I will do nothing but rides trains and buses... I can't wait to not have to drive!!!  :D 

I spent a good deal of time today trying to create new schedules for myself over the summer, hopefully to take my mind off my anxiety and occasional DP... 

I want to work at my mother-in-law's business over the summer so bad... but it seems that she cannot hire me...  which I do not understand, as her two employees who were paid together over six times what I made working there before... as far as I can see, she should love the cheap help now!  There's no shortage of work to be done, there's hundreds of files that need to be audited, new files that need to be opened and many other things...  I NEED to make atleast $5,000 this summer... and I can't do that working some shitty, minimum wage, 25-30 hours a week job.  I'll be screwed.  I NEED this job... or to win the lottery, either will do... BUT seeing as I don't play the lottery, the first seems more plausible...  :\  BUT also seeing as she doesn't want to hire me... that's not looking too plausible either.  More like - I AM screwed... 

I don't know what to do...  Beg?

Ideas?

2AM - I have implemented my exercise routine!

Last night, I went to the gym!  I really haven't had much exercise since taekwondo... which was awhile ago.
Didn't do too much, just a 20 minute jog / walk and some arm exercises.  I feel good this morning though! 

I set some goals for over the summer -

-I want to gain 15-20 pounds.
-I want to lower my heart's at-rest rate.
-I want to be able to lift my own body weight.
-I want to feel awake and energized.
-I want to reduce my anxiety and panic.
-I want to eliminate excess sugar and junk food.

I think it's a great list, I really feel like it's do-able also. 

I bought a workout log book to track my progress.  It's called  -The Ultimate Workout Log by Suzanne Schlosberg.  If you're looking for a good log, I suggest this one.  It only costs $13.00.  Buy it here.

Hell week begins today.  Last day of class and finals start tomorrow.  Today I only have a geology lab, and I believe we're going on another excursion.  Now I just have a shit-ton of work to catch up on.  :\ 

More of Anxiety and Panic Recovery, Bible Breakdown and environmental issues when HELL WEEK is over.  ^^

1AM - It's that "special" time of the month again!

So... I get a bit more anxious during this time... I had night panic last night, but I was able to calm down - I'm pretty good at that anymore. I'm hoping that my body will learn to deal with it soon enough.

I was freaking out about losing my memory.  I know when people are stressed it's hard to concentrate and therefore remember things.  But also my Eustation tube dysfunction may have something to do with that - my head is always "cloudy" anymore.  But whatever, there's nothing I can do about that for now, so I'll just have to ride it through. 

I'm going to start going to the gym today.  I've lost about 15 pounds in muscle over the past year and I want to gain it back by the end of the summer... I'd really prefer 20 pounds... We'll see!  I'm gonna buy a gym log book to track my progress and if my routine is sucessful, I'll post my routine for others to try out. 

I just wanna say that I'm really glad I have so many people following me and going through this with me.  I don't feel so alone anymore, and I'm sure you guys don't either.  It wouldn't hurt to leave a comment or just say "hi"!  I get tons of emails, but the numbers for hits / emails doesn't add up!  Come out you blog lurkers! :D