28PM - Testing myself

I had one class to go to today.  Lately, I hate driving.  Let me re-phrase that - I hate driving when I experience DP.  I worry about losing control while I drive.  So... I asked my fiance to drive me instead, he whined about it - "Do you really need me to drive you?".  I don't understand that, because usually he bends over backwards to help me out, especially now with what I'm going through.  I explained to him that I'm scared to drive lately - that didn't seem to affect him.  So I got a bit upset, hurt more than anything that he'd whine about having to drive me 20 -25 minutes to class.  I needed the help a few hours ago, I really would have appreciated it.  But it doesn't matter, I got my keys and bag and drove myself. 

I had a few near panic attacks, but I rationalized everything as I drove.  I tried to figure my condition out on a more basic level.  I decided that I was giving in to my fears too easily.  I need to tell myself "DON'T FEED THE FEAR!!!".  That's when I came across this little story while waiting for class -

An old Cherokee Indian was telling his grandson about a fight that was really going on inside himself.
He said it was between two dogs.
One is a black evil dog full of anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self pity, greed, arrogance, fear, superiority, and ego.
The other is a white dog full of good, joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness , benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which dog wins?"
The old cherokee simply replied,
"THE ONE I FEED".

I'm going to make an effort to not feed the fears that race into my mind.  I will get past this.

28AM - Waking up...

It seems lately that when I wake up is when I have the worst DP... I guess because I have been having exciting dreams, and I get worked up and start having anxiety before I even wake up.  I wake up shaking or just feel completely out of it.  This morning I stood staring at my toothbrush pondering my existence - "Why am I even here if I can't connect or feel anything?"  Then I get worried about thinking such things...  I cannot stress how much I want this gone.

It feels like I can't find the "on" switch to my brain... And I'm still waiting for some comments here people... I even made a video yesterday!!! hehe... I'm just playing, but really... responses?

27PM - First Video

26PM - Second day of taekwondo...

Today I feel the DP again... I feel so disconnected and I'm not able to fully pay attention to everything.  Ugh...  Does anyone know any good tricks? To get it to go away?

I'm thinking about starting meditation.  I'm up for anything.  I just want it to go away - I know I am repetative.  But that's all I want - for this distant feeling to go away.  I was a machine before, I had control of my day, I got things done.  Now... I have been letting it all slide.  Has this happened to anyone else?  I imagine it's about the same for everyone else too. 

I had fun at taekwondo, I didn't notice the DP.  But as soon as something fun, such as taekwondo, is over the DP comes right back.  :\  I'm still on my vitamins, I do believe they're helping.  I bought protein powder yesterday, I'll start that soon too.  I'm too skinny.  I lost about ten pounds over the last few years - I only weigh 100 pounds now.  I need to gain that weight back. 

I don't know what else to write for today, so I'll leave it at this.  When I start the protein powder I'll let you know...

24PM - Been busy...

Sorry I haven't written... I'd have liked to yesterday atleast, but I had two exams in the last two days.  Well it seems that vitamins alone aren't my miracle cure as I have been hoping.  What seems to help is getting out and doing something new.  Although it does feel like I am physically able to better control my anxiety and crazy running thoughts - I'm thinking the vitamins are helping with that.  As spring approaches I can't help but hope that the weather will give me the boost I need to overcome this. 

Also I look forward to studying in Germany just for the fact that I won't have to drive everyday.  My daily commute to university drains me.  I start to zone out and feel the DP and sometimes derealization also.  I just want to be cured.  I want my life back so bad.  To be quite blunt - this shit sucks hard.  I miss being able to focus on all the small details and just slow down.  It seems now like I'm rushing day to day, hoping that tomorrow will be better.  I'm tired of my life passing me by, waiting for a better day.  I'm ready to start making today better, living right here and right now.  I'm so eager to feel again - and no, that's not a typo.

In other news... I have to give a speech soon for a class - I get to pick the subject.  I figure this will be a perfect time to start trying to put together an easily understandable explanation of why we should be worried about what we're doing to the planet - Global Warming - aka - Global Craziness.  Not at this moment though... I want to just relax after a crazy day... a new Dragonball Z Kai is on later anyway! I don't have time to explain the complexities that will save/kill humanity!!!  hehe...  maybe tomorrow, no classes afterall...

21PM - Woke up feeling better today!

If this is all as simple as taking my vitamins and supplements... I'm going to be so damn angry with myself for spending a year of my life suffering from anxiety for nothing... haha, no... not really... I'm just going to be relieved that I'm going to be ok... I did some research today; turns out anxiety and depression can be simply caused from a vitamin deficiency... I've been on supplements for about a week now and I'm already able to control my anxiety and thoughts a bit better.  So far I've been taking half the dosage for both the women's vitamin and the fish oil... I didn't want to shock my body with too many things at once.  So maybe next week I'll start full dosage and see how that goes. 

I actually skipped up the stairs today...felt nearly normal... and felt bored... I never thought I would miss being bored EVER.  But I actually felt the feeling, the sensation of being bored and it was WONDERFUL!  I got to my geology lab early by almost an hour and had to find something to do. 

I know when I'm feeling better because I can talk more openly and freely about the scary times during my DP and anxiety... I'm not all the way back to my normal self, but I'm sure doing a hell of a sh!t-ton better than I was doing one-two weeks ago...

Anyway... tonight my fiance and I started Taekwondo.  It was great minus the fact that a blizzard decided to attack the Pittsburgh area... took us nearly two hours to get there... and an hour to get home, when it normally takes about 25 minutes.  There was so many damn people on the road... in crappy cars, stuck everywhere.  Another reason why I love my Jeep.  Snow? Ice? - No problem. 

I really suggest to any of you who are suffering from anxiety/depression/panic/depersonalization to start your own blog when you start the road to recovery.  It really helps to get your feelings out in the open and it's also a great reference to track your progess.  I can't believe it's only been a week.  I only hope it's this simple for others.  I'm so relieved that it seems my vitamins were the real problem.  I just can't understand why my doctor didn't ask - "Hey are you taking vitamins?" or suggest I may have a deficiency in the first place.  Instead they jumped on the chance to put me on medication!!! OR order expensive tests!!! I don't get it... well... I get it - it likely has to do with $$$$$... but it's just messed up. 

I've noticed my body has been craving nutrient rich foods in the last few months - brocolli, spinach, all vegetables, fruits and healthy whole foods... I now see I should have listened more to what my body was telling me.  Don't ignore what your body is trying to tell you!  Sometimes it knows how to fix itself better than a doctor - living proof here.

I will keep you all updated as I continue my recovery.  <3

20PM - Big-Man-Trucks

I went out today to go get a few things for Taekwondo tomorrow... I guess I was having anxiety while I was out because my DP started to crawl back in... Now that I'm back home, I'm a little better... but when it hits like that when I'm out, it's bad... I started going through my usual routine of thinking to myself, "What if I never go back to normal? How will I ever not be like this?"  I become nearly instantly depressed because I'm so scared... But after I rationalize my thoughts in my head, it usually passes.  I read a helpful paragraph today... can't remember where, but it went something like this - Even thought DP is scary, it's just a symptom - this means if you fix the underlying cause, it will go away.  The human body is built to take on anything and everything, this is just a phase in your life, you'll be just fine.  I also read that this all can be sometimes caused by a mere vitamin deficiency, don't know if that's true or not, but I hope so, because I think the vitamins are helping.  Maybe within a few weeks I'll be back in action!  I'm so looking forward to having my life back, I don't want to look back at this period in my life regretting all the time I wasted being scared and not trying to get better.  I'm doing all I can to take control again.  I'll get there, surely, even if slowly.

Now... for a subject besides anxiety and DP... FINALLY!!! haha...

I saw what I like to call a "Big-Man-Truck" today with a bunch of stickers on the back and bumper...

The sticker that bothered me the most was the one that said "Kill the caribou and take their oil!"  ...I honestly don't know where to begin...  What a selfish human being...  What does he intend to leave his grandchildren and their grandchildren with?  A flattened and poisoned earth?  People get so offensive when they think they're dealing with "treehuggers"... I suppose you could label me that, but it's not just the trees that I'm worried about.  The earth will be fine... we however, if the current trend continues, will not be fine...  Resources are finite.  Simple physics and math people.  I'll explain the global warming issue later in plain understandable english.  It is not a hoax and it is something to think about.  I study these issues for my profession - I am a scientist.  By the time we get caught up on what I have found out so far, you'll be just as concerned as I am... and wondering why these dumbshit rednecks continue to drive their Big-Man-Trucks with stupid ignorant stickers on the back.  ...Am I starting to rant? ...Good.  I'll save the rest for later when I'm ready to start from the bottom and explain up... 

I don't know if I have any readers, but if you're out there, leave a comment... It'd be nice to know I'm not alone here, and I don't bite - too hard.  :P

19PM - So-so day...

There are days like today when it feels like I have a headache, just without the pain... my head is cloudy and  throbs when I bend over or stand up quickly, but other than that, I just have the headache (minus the pain) sensation.  I know some people won't get that, but... owell... hehe...

I can't wait to get back to being me... I miss being normal...  I have a speech to give on Tuesday and a math exam sometime this week... I don't know when, I haven't been to class - It's pre-calc and super easy, so I just do the homework and turn it in, attendance doesn't count for points.  I suppose I'll have to email the professor   O.o   ... 

Well I'm on day four of my supplements... no way to tell how that's going quite yet...

I'll keep you updated though...   :P

18PM - A Better Day

Getting out was just what I needed.  It was sunny, warm and windy all day.  I have only been on vitamins and supplements for two days now, but I think they're working... Or maybe it's just because I'm coming off my period... hmmm O.o ... Either way, vitamins can't hurt, so I'm hopeful for anything now.

I went to a town meeting this morning about a bridge near my house... I've taken a few poli sci courses in uni, so I know how things are basically run in the gov't... So, I had to listen to people bitch and complain, rightfully so of coarse, but they were yelling at the wrong people.  Things are the way the way they are... rules won't change overnight just because you're inconvenienced...  I won't lie, I giggled a few times at this one woman asking the most stupid questions...  She kept asking why a road would fall apart after the township had already fixed it... after it was clearly explained that the road was a dirt road with some pavement being tarred and chipped... "See, there's this process called erosion... and the water carries away pieces of the road because it is shoddily built..." 

Moving on...   :\

A day of sunshine and warmth... good stuff...  Nothing like a good night's sleep to finish off my day...

18AM - Good Morning!

So I woke up feeling a little better today. I slept in until eight... took the cats on a half hour adventure outside and now were all back in.  I still feel a bit of DP, but I think it's passing... And I'm sorry guys, but you'll have to bear with me - I think the DP gets worse when I'm about to have / or am having my period... And as of right now, I'm on day two of my lovely monthly gift...  My therapist assured me that alot of women say the same thing.  Period = hormones = extra emotional = anxiety.  Simple really...  So it'll be interesting to see how I feel when it's over.  I think it'd be good to get out of the house today, especially because it's freakishly warm (like... 50-60F) and hopefully sunny later. 

Another thing that makes me anxious, I don't know why... but when I think about the future and being able to function / feel like I did before - do things without feeling anxious or without DP... I feel scared.  I guess because I fear I may never be able, but I know that is a lie.  I will get through this.  I will be me again.

Oh, for those of you that are wondering which supplements I have been taking -
     - GNC's Women's Ultra Mega Active
     - GNC's Triple Strength Fish Oil

I might add on extra vitamin D later on, but I've been drinking a ton of vitamin D milk lately too.

I'll be back later, as usual.  :P

17PM - Why do I freak out?

Until recently, I've really been ok... The DP really REALLY gets to me.  So naturally, as someone like myself would do, I checked forums by people who also have DP.  What freaked me out was the post by someone who wrote that they were actually diagnosed with schizophrenia... which in turn made me google that and check the symptoms... and now I worry that I'm schizophrenic!  It's absolutely irrational, but my anxiety takes over and I worry about loosing control, being commited to a psych-ward, and going crazy.  Another lovely effect of panic and anxiety, thank you brain.  I just can't wait until I work through this all and one day I can wake up feeling like I did three - four years ago...  I can't help but wonder sometimes - how the hell did I get to this point? How did I get so screwed up?  I was doing so great... I was and still am a (near) 4.00 university student, I have a great little cat family with my fiance... What went wrong?

When I think about it... I guess it only makes sense that this happened.  For you to understand I'll have to give you a bit of background.  I grew up with divorced parents - I had no solid base.  My parents always seemed distracted by other things, I had to fend for myself mostly.  On December 3, 2005... I met Garrett, my now fiance.  I was almost 16 and he is 9 years older than I am.  So my parents flip out when they find out I'm interested in someone older than I.  They say no, but we find ways to meet one another anyway... Eventually, long story short, we are caught meeting due my "friends" telling on me... My parents involved the police, FBI... It was horribly stressful... We were separated and I was bascially grounded for two years until I turned 18.  I spent alot of time alone, not trusting anyone and being mad at my situation.  When I turned 18, I moved in with Garrett.  I finally have a solid base.  And now it seems like all that stress from over the years is catching up with me.  Years of bottled up anger and sadness are leaking out...

After suffering a year through minor (what I consider minor compared to now) anxiety, I'm ready to move on...  I really don't want to live like this, in fear all the time.  I'm really hoping after awhile of taking vitamins and supplements, exercising and such that I'll start to feel better...  I'm really trying to catch myself when I have negative thoughts and calm down, not let the anxiety and panic take over.  I will beat this.  Watch me.

17AM - Introduction Part 2

Well... Where to begin?  I live with my wonderful fiance Garrett and five cats - Darth Vader, Slayer, Ninja, Totoro, and Kyuubi. 

Kyuubi

Darth Vader

Ninja

Slayer

Totoro

I met Garrett over five years ago while snowboarding and we've been living together for almost three years now.  He FINALLY proposed to me last August in The Outer Banks, North Carolina (one of my favorite places in the world!).  I'm in my second year of university and I finally have settled on a major - I know it's the right path for me - Geology.  I have learned so much about our world and the processes that shape it, but I've also learned how we have screwed a bunch of things up...  Which I will get to eventually, I'm eager to share my findings with you.  I plan on going to  Germany next year to study, as I have been learning german for... about 9 years now.  I have everything to live for.

But for the past year, I've been in my own living hell.  I have developed anxiety and panic disorders.  Maybe throw in a little depression.  And most recently (about a month or two ago) I have been having anxiety related depersonalization - I'll refer to this as "DP" from now on.  For those who have never experienced DP, it's quite difficult to explain, but I'll give my best shot.

DP is the feeling of being detached or alienated from one's own body. 
You might feel like you're watching your own life as if it were a film. 
You feel spaced out., not all the way there.
You feel like you are just going through the motions.

The list goes on and on...  My anxiety symptoms used to be just things such as nausea, tight chest - hard to breathe, my heart will race... But as of about two months ago, I started feeling these DP symptoms.  Before I could handle the nausea and difficulty breathing... but these new symptoms scared me.  I went to my doctor, he prescribed me Zoloft, which I took for about 5 days before I decided that drugs were not for me.  I had bad side effects and I am not the type of person to rely on drugs to fix anything, but I was so scared by these new symptoms that I was desparate to get rid of them, I would have done anything to get them to go away.  After I was off the drug, I decided that I wanted to try therapy.  Fast forward about five weeks... and here we are. 

I have changed my lifestyle to try to get back to "normal".  I just started taking my vitamins again, I'm taking fish oil, exercising - I start karate next week, getting out more - socializing, eating healthy... I'm doing everything I can think of.  I'll keep you updated on my progess... I hope to cure myself and inspire others to change their lives too.  Wish me luck!

16PM - Introduction

Hello... My name is Heather, I'm a 20 year old geology student from Pittsburgh, PA.  I decided to start this blog as a way to share my views and express my progress with my own personal problems as well.  I hope you enjoy following my story as I discover myself and this huge crazy world we all live in.