Sooo... we now have an above ground pool - a ghetto ass one, but still nice... today looks like the first day we'll be able to go in it!!! I need sun desparately - I used to be a dark olive mediterranean color and now I'm the pale kid. :( Meh...
Yesterday my boytoy and I went to my mom's... we watched Inception for the 2nd time - that movie gives me horrible anxiety because of all the "am I dreaming, is this real?" - just like my DP in real life... I won't be watching that movie ever again likely - as cool as it was...
In other news, the job I was offered was supposed to start tomorrow, but I haven't heard anything yet... :( Are any of my readers billionaires? I need a job. I need a new camcorder before I leave for Germany... I really want to make more videos for you guys and I'd rather do it now than when I'll be making Germany / study abroad videos... Blah!
I'll find a way! ;P
Until later...!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
23PM - One computer back online!
Only took a month... jeeeeez! My dad ended up fixing it for me - he's a software engineer and a whiz at anything to do with computers. So much has happened in the last month! First off, I have to say I'm doing much better. I still have episodes of DP, but they're much less frequent and less intense. I'm so happy with my life (most of the time, lol) and I'm glad to have the opportunity to start over in Germany in two months... I can't believe it's almost time to leave!!! I really think what I've been doing has helped tremendously and I want to share everything I've learned with you guys ASAP. I'm so glad I've had so much support from all my followers - you guys really helped me through a rough patch in my life.
I'll hopefully be getting a camcorder within a week so that I can start vlogging again. Also, I'm pretty sure I have a job lined up that starts next week with a friend of the family... I only have two months to work, but atleast it's something. I just need to win something - I think I'm due - I've never won anything before!
Right now I have to go clean up the kitchen - I'm making haluski, chicken noodle soup, and chili later on. Stashing it away for the week... :D
I'll write more later tonight... until then! ^^
I'll hopefully be getting a camcorder within a week so that I can start vlogging again. Also, I'm pretty sure I have a job lined up that starts next week with a friend of the family... I only have two months to work, but atleast it's something. I just need to win something - I think I'm due - I've never won anything before!
Right now I have to go clean up the kitchen - I'm making haluski, chicken noodle soup, and chili later on. Stashing it away for the week... :D
I'll write more later tonight... until then! ^^
Thursday, May 26, 2011
26 - BOTH computers are down...
I haven't been able to write because BOTH of my computers are currently broke... And I have no money to fix them... Speaking of which... I haven't found a job yet either... Still searching, applied to some shittier (is that a word?) jobs yesterday... we'll see what happens... All I know is that I need cash NOW. :( And I have none... :\
Not really any updates yet... I'm still doing ok... I have my moments where I freak out, but not as badly anymore.
OH! I cut my hair... It was like... nipple-length, haha... and now its like ear length... she cut it a bit too short for my likes... but owell, can't change it now. It looks good anyway.
Not really any updates yet... I'm still doing ok... I have my moments where I freak out, but not as badly anymore.
OH! I cut my hair... It was like... nipple-length, haha... and now its like ear length... she cut it a bit too short for my likes... but owell, can't change it now. It looks good anyway.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
18PM - We're all going to die in 3 days...
LOL... ask some of these wackos and that's what they'll tell ya... "ZOMG End of teh world on May 21, 2011!!!" I will be sitting with my popcorn watching it all go down.
And for those of you who follow my YouTube as well... I assume you've noticed I've been "arguing" - and I say that in parenthesis because no one is really listening to what I say - with these gay-bashing morons... I'm all for gay rights... I'm all for human rights - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else! As far as I know, two consenting adults wanting to have a loving relationship doesn't hurt anyone... So I encourage you guys to "argue" with these dopes as well... it's fun in a way... and who knows?! ...maybe you'll get through to one of these goons! Ya never know, so it's worth a shot!
Anyway... I'm doing better now... a little cloudiness and at the moment a slight headache... but other than that I've been back on track with my vitamins and such...
I still can't believe "Betty" did this to our family... she ruined everything... stole so much money and got our business shutdown - because she stole... We currently have no income. I really don't know what's going to happen. I'll keep you updated. I must apologize - I promised that I would write more, but I just really haven't had time or the motivation... We're going through a really rough patch, so bear with me!
And for those of you who follow my YouTube as well... I assume you've noticed I've been "arguing" - and I say that in parenthesis because no one is really listening to what I say - with these gay-bashing morons... I'm all for gay rights... I'm all for human rights - as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else! As far as I know, two consenting adults wanting to have a loving relationship doesn't hurt anyone... So I encourage you guys to "argue" with these dopes as well... it's fun in a way... and who knows?! ...maybe you'll get through to one of these goons! Ya never know, so it's worth a shot!
Anyway... I'm doing better now... a little cloudiness and at the moment a slight headache... but other than that I've been back on track with my vitamins and such...
I still can't believe "Betty" did this to our family... she ruined everything... stole so much money and got our business shutdown - because she stole... We currently have no income. I really don't know what's going to happen. I'll keep you updated. I must apologize - I promised that I would write more, but I just really haven't had time or the motivation... We're going through a really rough patch, so bear with me!
Sunday, May 15, 2011
15PM - Caught in another cycle of stress and anxiety... meh...
After all this with "Betty" and her stealing so much money from us... I have endured a shit-ton of stress and am again experiencing more DP... I really thought I was on my way out, which I am, I consider this as a minor speed bump, but I'm just so damn down from feeling this way again. I get so scared when I feel disconnected, I start pondering the meaning of life and my place here if I can't feel anything. But I know it will get better, I do have better days, and I will be myself again one day. Until then all I can do is ride it out and keep my hopes up. Let me clarify - I'm not suicidal at all, I just feel like I'm going crazy, losing control or could drop dead at any minute... My ears aren't helping at all either - my vision is all screwed from it too and that really bothers me, it really gets my anxiety going. I'm going to try taking some more allergy meds tomorrow as I also have hay fever - horrible time of year for me - but I was also told that my ears could be acting this way because of allergies... so I'll give anything a shot!
I really wish you guys would comment, especially if you have similar symptoms and such... or share anything at all. I write for us all to learn - it's hard to do that when everyone only hears my side... Just post anonymously, that's fine! ^^
I really wish you guys would comment, especially if you have similar symptoms and such... or share anything at all. I write for us all to learn - it's hard to do that when everyone only hears my side... Just post anonymously, that's fine! ^^
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
11PM - Getting ready for studying abroad...
It's been crazy here. I took my brother to the doctor today. Helped at the office, waited to hear the news on whether or not "Betty" was getting arrested... she wasn't *YET* ... And now I'm getting everything together for my trip.
I have to apply for my visa ASAP... And book my flight... other things can wait... but those two are top priority along with getting a job. I NEED cash NOW!!! haha... That job hasn't called me back yet, so tomorrow I will call them to see if the position is still even open. I hope so... Also, I need to finish my hair - it's still half blonde!!!
Ah, and I have to call back the Ear Nose Throat doctor... I need to have this ear problem fixed, I can't live like this the rest of my life... I just can't. The focusing on small print and while driving are the worst - I can't take anymore, the rest I could deal with, but this eye thing... It's too much! Once I get some things taken care of around the house and my job landed and the ears fixed... and my visa / flight taken care of... I will continue all of my series for anxiety / panic / religion / environmental issues / whatever is requested... Also, please comment or drop me an email, I like to know I'm helping and what I can do to improve. I won't bite! ^^
I have to apply for my visa ASAP... And book my flight... other things can wait... but those two are top priority along with getting a job. I NEED cash NOW!!! haha... That job hasn't called me back yet, so tomorrow I will call them to see if the position is still even open. I hope so... Also, I need to finish my hair - it's still half blonde!!!
Ah, and I have to call back the Ear Nose Throat doctor... I need to have this ear problem fixed, I can't live like this the rest of my life... I just can't. The focusing on small print and while driving are the worst - I can't take anymore, the rest I could deal with, but this eye thing... It's too much! Once I get some things taken care of around the house and my job landed and the ears fixed... and my visa / flight taken care of... I will continue all of my series for anxiety / panic / religion / environmental issues / whatever is requested... Also, please comment or drop me an email, I like to know I'm helping and what I can do to improve. I won't bite! ^^
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
10AM - Long weekend...
I promise I'll get back to writing ASAP! ...I just had a crazzzy weekend and now I'm on the rag... again of course!... It never ends! Tomorrow I have to drive my little brother to his doctor's appointment, which means I have to drive 45 minutes to my mom, 35 minutes to the doctor, 35 back and then 45 back. Lovely. But all for my little bro, so it's ok... I just HATE driving. And I wouldn't want to be responsible for anything happening to him. I'd never forgive myself. Anyway...
I'm still waiting for a phone call for an interview or something... If they don't call by Thursday or Friday, I'm going to call to see if the receptionist job has been filled. :( I hope not, haha! But if so, then that means I'm in for a weekend of job-hunting.
I'm going to go now, I just don't feel well. :/
I'm still waiting for a phone call for an interview or something... If they don't call by Thursday or Friday, I'm going to call to see if the receptionist job has been filled. :( I hope not, haha! But if so, then that means I'm in for a weekend of job-hunting.
I'm going to go now, I just don't feel well. :/
Saturday, May 7, 2011
7AM - ^^ School's out for summer! School's out forever!
...well, not forever, but I'm fine with that. ^^ I'm waiting for my lavender bath to fill up right now... Feels nice to not have any homework floating over my head or exams, or speeches... I'm loving it! ^^
I applied to an environmental services job yesterday... we'll see what happens... I REALLY want this job... and it pays well - 14-16 $ per hour... I'll take that! :D
I really hope they take me... I NEEEEEEED the money man... One of the first things I'm getting will be a new camcorder, so I can start making videos again for you guys... And document my trip to Germany for those who are interested in the process of studying abroad!
Well I best go for now - my bath is likely dangerously full by now. ;P
I applied to an environmental services job yesterday... we'll see what happens... I REALLY want this job... and it pays well - 14-16 $ per hour... I'll take that! :D
I really hope they take me... I NEEEEEEED the money man... One of the first things I'm getting will be a new camcorder, so I can start making videos again for you guys... And document my trip to Germany for those who are interested in the process of studying abroad!
Well I best go for now - my bath is likely dangerously full by now. ;P
Friday, May 6, 2011
6AM - Last day of finals, only one left to do!
What a crazy week... I can't believe I lived through it, haha. It really was hell... ^^ But I only have one more final today, and I cannot wait until it is over.
Then, onward to job hunting! I need a 10+ dollar per hour job. Those types of jobs are difficult to find... But I'll just have to dress to kill and put on some extra makeup. ^^ I'll get what I need.
If any of my readers are billionaires, feel free to send me some money - I'd appreciate it. :D
Oh, I almost forgot! I want to rant about my mom real quick. So I live with my fiance, about 45 minutes north of my mom. This weekend is mother's day as we all know. I told her we'd be out to see her, and maybe we'd do a joint mother thing with my fiance's mother as well. So fast forward to this week - hell week. She texts me on... tuesday I think it was. Asking what our plans are... I told her I'd call her at the end of the day with certain plans. I forgot to call as I'm losing my mind over finals and getting the last of my homework finished. Also, if you remember what I told you guys about what happened at our fmaily business - how our one employee walked out... turns out she stole over $300,000 dollars from us...and we can't pay any of our own bills or expenses now. My mom knows very well the situation - not the money being gone part, but what happened and how we're struggling to keep the business running. So yesterday she sends me another text saying - "If you don't call me back soon, I'll just make my own plans." WTF mom? You KNOW I'm in university - You KNOW I have finals now - You KNOW I've been struggling with anxiety / DP and getting my school work done. Why add this extra pressure on me right now? I already told her that I'm coming to see her on Sunday. It's killing me.
Am I wrong? Is she putting too much pressure on me?
Thoughts? Comments?
...
Well, I have a few labs to finish up to turn in today, so I have to go for now. I'll be back later... ^^
Then, onward to job hunting! I need a 10+ dollar per hour job. Those types of jobs are difficult to find... But I'll just have to dress to kill and put on some extra makeup. ^^ I'll get what I need.
If any of my readers are billionaires, feel free to send me some money - I'd appreciate it. :D
Oh, I almost forgot! I want to rant about my mom real quick. So I live with my fiance, about 45 minutes north of my mom. This weekend is mother's day as we all know. I told her we'd be out to see her, and maybe we'd do a joint mother thing with my fiance's mother as well. So fast forward to this week - hell week. She texts me on... tuesday I think it was. Asking what our plans are... I told her I'd call her at the end of the day with certain plans. I forgot to call as I'm losing my mind over finals and getting the last of my homework finished. Also, if you remember what I told you guys about what happened at our fmaily business - how our one employee walked out... turns out she stole over $300,000 dollars from us...and we can't pay any of our own bills or expenses now. My mom knows very well the situation - not the money being gone part, but what happened and how we're struggling to keep the business running. So yesterday she sends me another text saying - "If you don't call me back soon, I'll just make my own plans." WTF mom? You KNOW I'm in university - You KNOW I have finals now - You KNOW I've been struggling with anxiety / DP and getting my school work done. Why add this extra pressure on me right now? I already told her that I'm coming to see her on Sunday. It's killing me.
Am I wrong? Is she putting too much pressure on me?
Thoughts? Comments?
...
Well, I have a few labs to finish up to turn in today, so I have to go for now. I'll be back later... ^^
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
3PM - First final down, 5 more to go!
I aced it. Absolutely aced it. But that does not comfort me as my next final is tomorrow morning at 8am!!! :( I do not like this... My fiance will drive me though, so it's all good. Early morning + me + driving = no go. I can't believe it has come to this. I don't want to be "that guy". I don't want to be the person who is reliant on everyone around her. I was the strong independent woman who took care of everyone else around her for her entire life. Now look at me... But I know this will pass. I will eventually get through this. Besides, I get to go to Germany for an entire year, where I will do nothing but rides trains and buses... I can't wait to not have to drive!!! :D
I spent a good deal of time today trying to create new schedules for myself over the summer, hopefully to take my mind off my anxiety and occasional DP...
I want to work at my mother-in-law's business over the summer so bad... but it seems that she cannot hire me... which I do not understand, as her two employees who were paid together over six times what I made working there before... as far as I can see, she should love the cheap help now! There's no shortage of work to be done, there's hundreds of files that need to be audited, new files that need to be opened and many other things... I NEED to make atleast $5,000 this summer... and I can't do that working some shitty, minimum wage, 25-30 hours a week job. I'll be screwed. I NEED this job... or to win the lottery, either will do... BUT seeing as I don't play the lottery, the first seems more plausible... :\ BUT also seeing as she doesn't want to hire me... that's not looking too plausible either. More like - I AM screwed...
I don't know what to do... Beg?
Ideas?
I spent a good deal of time today trying to create new schedules for myself over the summer, hopefully to take my mind off my anxiety and occasional DP...
I want to work at my mother-in-law's business over the summer so bad... but it seems that she cannot hire me... which I do not understand, as her two employees who were paid together over six times what I made working there before... as far as I can see, she should love the cheap help now! There's no shortage of work to be done, there's hundreds of files that need to be audited, new files that need to be opened and many other things... I NEED to make atleast $5,000 this summer... and I can't do that working some shitty, minimum wage, 25-30 hours a week job. I'll be screwed. I NEED this job... or to win the lottery, either will do... BUT seeing as I don't play the lottery, the first seems more plausible... :\ BUT also seeing as she doesn't want to hire me... that's not looking too plausible either. More like - I AM screwed...
I don't know what to do... Beg?
Ideas?
Monday, May 2, 2011
2AM - I have implemented my exercise routine!
Last night, I went to the gym! I really haven't had much exercise since taekwondo... which was awhile ago.
Didn't do too much, just a 20 minute jog / walk and some arm exercises. I feel good this morning though!
I set some goals for over the summer -
-I want to gain 15-20 pounds.
-I want to lower my heart's at-rest rate.
-I want to be able to lift my own body weight.
-I want to feel awake and energized.
-I want to reduce my anxiety and panic.
-I want to eliminate excess sugar and junk food.
I think it's a great list, I really feel like it's do-able also.
I bought a workout log book to track my progress. It's called -The Ultimate Workout Log by Suzanne Schlosberg. If you're looking for a good log, I suggest this one. It only costs $13.00. Buy it here.
Hell week begins today. Last day of class and finals start tomorrow. Today I only have a geology lab, and I believe we're going on another excursion. Now I just have a shit-ton of work to catch up on. :\
More of Anxiety and Panic Recovery, Bible Breakdown and environmental issues when HELL WEEK is over. ^^
Didn't do too much, just a 20 minute jog / walk and some arm exercises. I feel good this morning though!
I set some goals for over the summer -
-I want to gain 15-20 pounds.
-I want to lower my heart's at-rest rate.
-I want to be able to lift my own body weight.
-I want to feel awake and energized.
-I want to reduce my anxiety and panic.
-I want to eliminate excess sugar and junk food.
I think it's a great list, I really feel like it's do-able also.
I bought a workout log book to track my progress. It's called -The Ultimate Workout Log by Suzanne Schlosberg. If you're looking for a good log, I suggest this one. It only costs $13.00. Buy it here.
Hell week begins today. Last day of class and finals start tomorrow. Today I only have a geology lab, and I believe we're going on another excursion. Now I just have a shit-ton of work to catch up on. :\
More of Anxiety and Panic Recovery, Bible Breakdown and environmental issues when HELL WEEK is over. ^^
Sunday, May 1, 2011
1AM - It's that "special" time of the month again!
So... I get a bit more anxious during this time... I had night panic last night, but I was able to calm down - I'm pretty good at that anymore. I'm hoping that my body will learn to deal with it soon enough.
I was freaking out about losing my memory. I know when people are stressed it's hard to concentrate and therefore remember things. But also my Eustation tube dysfunction may have something to do with that - my head is always "cloudy" anymore. But whatever, there's nothing I can do about that for now, so I'll just have to ride it through.
I'm going to start going to the gym today. I've lost about 15 pounds in muscle over the past year and I want to gain it back by the end of the summer... I'd really prefer 20 pounds... We'll see! I'm gonna buy a gym log book to track my progress and if my routine is sucessful, I'll post my routine for others to try out.
I just wanna say that I'm really glad I have so many people following me and going through this with me. I don't feel so alone anymore, and I'm sure you guys don't either. It wouldn't hurt to leave a comment or just say "hi"! I get tons of emails, but the numbers for hits / emails doesn't add up! Come out you blog lurkers! :D
I was freaking out about losing my memory. I know when people are stressed it's hard to concentrate and therefore remember things. But also my Eustation tube dysfunction may have something to do with that - my head is always "cloudy" anymore. But whatever, there's nothing I can do about that for now, so I'll just have to ride it through.
I'm going to start going to the gym today. I've lost about 15 pounds in muscle over the past year and I want to gain it back by the end of the summer... I'd really prefer 20 pounds... We'll see! I'm gonna buy a gym log book to track my progress and if my routine is sucessful, I'll post my routine for others to try out.
I just wanna say that I'm really glad I have so many people following me and going through this with me. I don't feel so alone anymore, and I'm sure you guys don't either. It wouldn't hurt to leave a comment or just say "hi"! I get tons of emails, but the numbers for hits / emails doesn't add up! Come out you blog lurkers! :D
Friday, April 29, 2011
Anxiety and Panic Recovery - Part 1 - Things to watch out for!
If you're here, then I assume you are already aware that you have a problem with anxiety. Unless someone asks for symptoms or causes, I'm going to skip those subjects.
I'm going to start with the beginning of a panic attack. The next time you start to freak out, notice what your breathing is like. Is it shallow? quick? What are you doing with your body? Are you tensing your muscles? Holding them in a flexed position?
These are contributing factors to your body continuing to panic. Something as simple as slowing and deepening your breathing can turn panic down a notch. Relaxing your muscles will let your body calm down. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing for a couple minutes - you will notice a change in your reaction to panic. By slowing down your breathing, you can reverse increased respiratory rate and constriction of your chest walls - both reactions associated with the fight-or-flight response.
Trying to fight the panic will only make it worse. I can personally assure you that this is true. Accept that your body is reacting to the surge of adrenaline caused by panic. If you can allow this rush to pass, your body will metabolize the adrenaline and your body will return to normal. If you fight the panic, that will only aggrevate your state of being and prolong your panic attack.
The most important part of this lesson is to keep practicing this! Don't let your panic run wild! You must retrain your body to react as it did before. After a few weeks, maybe longer, your body will start to be able to handle breathing and relaxing your muscles on its own - but you must get into this habit.
But, this is only half of the story. If you're like me, you talk to yourself, thinking up all these crazy scenarios and scaring yourself further into panic. All the deep breathing in the world won't help unless you can let go of those crazy thoughts. They are not rational and they are not true.
A panic attack cannot cause heart failure or cardiac arrest.
A panic attack will not cause you to stop breathing or suffocate.
A panic attack cannot cause you to faint.
A panic attack cannot cause you to lose your balance.
You can't go crazy during a panic attack.
A panic attack cannot cause you to lose control of yourself.
To review...
Dont fight panic!
-Face the symptoms - don't run from them.
-Accept what your body is doing - don't fight against it.
-Float with the wave of a panic attack rather than trying to force your way through it.
-Allow time to pass.
Cope!
This feeling isn't comfortable or pleasant, but I can accept it.
This is an opportunity for me to learn to cope with my fears.
I'll just let my body do its thing - This will pass.
I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too.
This is just anxiety - I'm not going to let it get to me.
I can handle these symptoms or sensations.
I hope this helps! PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!!!
Next time - Exercise and Nutrition
I'm going to start with the beginning of a panic attack. The next time you start to freak out, notice what your breathing is like. Is it shallow? quick? What are you doing with your body? Are you tensing your muscles? Holding them in a flexed position?
These are contributing factors to your body continuing to panic. Something as simple as slowing and deepening your breathing can turn panic down a notch. Relaxing your muscles will let your body calm down. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing for a couple minutes - you will notice a change in your reaction to panic. By slowing down your breathing, you can reverse increased respiratory rate and constriction of your chest walls - both reactions associated with the fight-or-flight response.
Trying to fight the panic will only make it worse. I can personally assure you that this is true. Accept that your body is reacting to the surge of adrenaline caused by panic. If you can allow this rush to pass, your body will metabolize the adrenaline and your body will return to normal. If you fight the panic, that will only aggrevate your state of being and prolong your panic attack.
The most important part of this lesson is to keep practicing this! Don't let your panic run wild! You must retrain your body to react as it did before. After a few weeks, maybe longer, your body will start to be able to handle breathing and relaxing your muscles on its own - but you must get into this habit.
But, this is only half of the story. If you're like me, you talk to yourself, thinking up all these crazy scenarios and scaring yourself further into panic. All the deep breathing in the world won't help unless you can let go of those crazy thoughts. They are not rational and they are not true.
A panic attack cannot cause heart failure or cardiac arrest.
A panic attack will not cause you to stop breathing or suffocate.
A panic attack cannot cause you to faint.
A panic attack cannot cause you to lose your balance.
You can't go crazy during a panic attack.
A panic attack cannot cause you to lose control of yourself.
To review...
Dont fight panic!
-Face the symptoms - don't run from them.
-Accept what your body is doing - don't fight against it.
-Float with the wave of a panic attack rather than trying to force your way through it.
-Allow time to pass.
Cope!
This feeling isn't comfortable or pleasant, but I can accept it.
This is an opportunity for me to learn to cope with my fears.
I'll just let my body do its thing - This will pass.
I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too.
This is just anxiety - I'm not going to let it get to me.
I can handle these symptoms or sensations.
I hope this helps! PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!!!
Next time - Exercise and Nutrition
Thursday, April 28, 2011
28PM - Home from school!
Doctor called me back at around 1pm... Said to stop taking the prednisone. So no more headache!!! YAH!!! And I'll probably be able to sleep tonight too ^^ .
I'm watching Kiki's Delivery Service right now, and I have to go check to see if the new Naruto manga is up yet... So I'm off for now... then more homework! I really look forward to writing more for you guys when school is done... I have so many subjects to cover! I'm glad to be helping so many people... ^^
I'm watching Kiki's Delivery Service right now, and I have to go check to see if the new Naruto manga is up yet... So I'm off for now... then more homework! I really look forward to writing more for you guys when school is done... I have so many subjects to cover! I'm glad to be helping so many people... ^^
28AM - 17 hours after first prednisone...
So... I took my first prednisones yesterday around 2pm... and I feel like hell. I didn't sleep all night, probably 2 hours - maybe 3, but that wasn't until about 4am. My muscles ache, I feel weak, my stomach was upset all night, I peed every hour then every half hour, I was anxious all night - near panic attacks... It was/is horrible, I'm about to go call the doctor now, I just wanted to write down my symptoms in front of me so I didn't miss any of them... Gimme one minute... ...F! They're not open for another 20 minutes... Well, I guess I'll have to let you know about that later then!
So now I feel like shit and I have to go take an exam and give two speeches today... Ugh... I do not look forward to the hell I have to face today... I also need my fiance to drive me to school - I feel bad doing that but I'm screwed up right now... Stupid drugs...
So now I feel like shit and I have to go take an exam and give two speeches today... Ugh... I do not look forward to the hell I have to face today... I also need my fiance to drive me to school - I feel bad doing that but I'm screwed up right now... Stupid drugs...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
27AM - End of the semester and a ton of shit to do...
I haven't been writing much lately because it is the last week of class, and I have (no exaggeration) a shit ton of work to catch up on and a shit ton of studying to do...
I saw the new ear doctor yesterday... he said i have a eustation tube dysfunction, and has seen a correlation between it and anxiety. But it might be one of those "chicken or the egg" type things... He prescribed me a much more powerful oral steriod to get things in my ear to heal up... I much rather prefer pills than that nose spray shit - Flonase. That gave me headaches and made my eyes burn... also made my anxiety spike too. I also read that Flonase, for some people, caused loss of taste and smell! Anyway, I'll be on steriods for 9 days... I'll let you all know how things progress for me.
I just can't wait until next week is over... I'm so done with school... I'll be able to relax again ^^ !
I've also been experimenting with essential oils and aromatherapy - When I'm done with finals, I'll post all my findings and start that "Overcoming Anxiety" series... I really have found ways to cope with my anxiety and DP...
Speaking of DP, I've had a few relapses of it, but for the most part, I FEEL REAL!!! Still a little dizzy and foggy headed because of my tube dysfunction, but there's no mistaking that for DP, it's just my ears!
Bottom line is - I promise to get things going again as soon as finals are done - next friday will be my last day!!! Until then...
I saw the new ear doctor yesterday... he said i have a eustation tube dysfunction, and has seen a correlation between it and anxiety. But it might be one of those "chicken or the egg" type things... He prescribed me a much more powerful oral steriod to get things in my ear to heal up... I much rather prefer pills than that nose spray shit - Flonase. That gave me headaches and made my eyes burn... also made my anxiety spike too. I also read that Flonase, for some people, caused loss of taste and smell! Anyway, I'll be on steriods for 9 days... I'll let you all know how things progress for me.
I just can't wait until next week is over... I'm so done with school... I'll be able to relax again ^^ !
I've also been experimenting with essential oils and aromatherapy - When I'm done with finals, I'll post all my findings and start that "Overcoming Anxiety" series... I really have found ways to cope with my anxiety and DP...
Speaking of DP, I've had a few relapses of it, but for the most part, I FEEL REAL!!! Still a little dizzy and foggy headed because of my tube dysfunction, but there's no mistaking that for DP, it's just my ears!
Bottom line is - I promise to get things going again as soon as finals are done - next friday will be my last day!!! Until then...
Monday, April 25, 2011
25AM - Too much work to do...
It is the last week of classes and I have so much damn work to finish up... I should be working now, but I figured I should write first as I haven't all weekend - it was easter... ugh... haha! So here I am finishing up work that should have been done on Saturday and Sunday... but family insists on dragging me around... Next time... well... next time I'll be in Germany! :D
I really should get to work... I'm wasting precious minutes here!!!
I really should get to work... I'm wasting precious minutes here!!!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
21PM - Stressful day...
As if finishing up the end of school wasn't stressful enough... and finals... and presentations... and yada yada... Today, both of the employees at my fiance's family business quit. One of them we'll call... Betty... was viewed as a daughter by my mother-in-law... My mother-in-law cared for this woman for nearly two decades... gave he money (tens of thousands of dollars!!!), places to stay (she now owns her own house, but she also owns my fiance's grandparents house - which was sold to Betty by my fiance's mother to help Betty out!!!), a job (for the last 17 years with a $75,000 salary!!!)... everything and anything she could ever need/want... Lately Betty has been having problems with her father and her own health, my mother-in-law gave her all the personal days she needed! And to top things off, she screwed with all the paperwork and passwords before she left. It is a real estate title insurance and closing company, so not only did she screw us over, but also all the people trying to buy homes.
2 weeks ago Betty asked my mother-in-law for $10,000 dollars... My MIL (Mother-in-law) said no, I don't have that kind of money now... My fiance saw Betty's husband walking out of a loan company with Betty's uncle last week... So you can pretty much figure out what is going here - she left our company to start her own... and she tried to screw us before she left today...
My MIL is devastated. She loved this woman as her own... I can't say that I didn't see something like this coming though - I had warned my MIL many times... I could just tell that this woman was a snake. Something deep down in me was saying - don't trust her. When I first started working with Betty, she would find any way she could to try to get me fired, and she eventually did... I was replaced. She told blatant lies to my MIL and family.
Needless to say I was a bit panicky all day. It seemed like I couldn't do anything without feeling like I was going to have an attack or worry about irrational things... I don't know... It's all symptoms of my ears, so I'm just trying to ride out my symptoms until I see the doctor on tuesday. I really hope that there is something that they can do. I feel like if my ears were ok, I'd be ok... We'll see!
Until later...
2 weeks ago Betty asked my mother-in-law for $10,000 dollars... My MIL (Mother-in-law) said no, I don't have that kind of money now... My fiance saw Betty's husband walking out of a loan company with Betty's uncle last week... So you can pretty much figure out what is going here - she left our company to start her own... and she tried to screw us before she left today...
My MIL is devastated. She loved this woman as her own... I can't say that I didn't see something like this coming though - I had warned my MIL many times... I could just tell that this woman was a snake. Something deep down in me was saying - don't trust her. When I first started working with Betty, she would find any way she could to try to get me fired, and she eventually did... I was replaced. She told blatant lies to my MIL and family.
Needless to say I was a bit panicky all day. It seemed like I couldn't do anything without feeling like I was going to have an attack or worry about irrational things... I don't know... It's all symptoms of my ears, so I'm just trying to ride out my symptoms until I see the doctor on tuesday. I really hope that there is something that they can do. I feel like if my ears were ok, I'd be ok... We'll see!
Until later...
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
20PM - I don't feel depersonalized right now... I feel real!
I actually feel real right now. My heads a little cloudy but, that's to be expected with inner ear disorders... These are my hands typing... haha! Figures... I finally feel real again, and I have to do homework. WTF?!
I can't wait to go to the ear doctor next week... I feel like this could all be coming to an end... School is letting out in two weeks, my finals will be over... And summer is right around the corner... Now if only there is something that can be done for my ears!!!
And I got some legos today... I LOVED playing with them when I was younger - I still do! Who wouldn't want a bucket of legos? O.o
Anyway, I HAVE to finish my homework for tomorrow, so I'll be back later!
I'm going to start a series on working through depersonalization soon. So keep your eyes open and your hopes up! IT DOES GET BETTER!!!
I can't wait to go to the ear doctor next week... I feel like this could all be coming to an end... School is letting out in two weeks, my finals will be over... And summer is right around the corner... Now if only there is something that can be done for my ears!!!
And I got some legos today... I LOVED playing with them when I was younger - I still do! Who wouldn't want a bucket of legos? O.o
Anyway, I HAVE to finish my homework for tomorrow, so I'll be back later!
I'm going to start a series on working through depersonalization soon. So keep your eyes open and your hopes up! IT DOES GET BETTER!!!
Monday, April 18, 2011
18PM - Homework, Exciting news... and other boring things!
Well, good news first - The univerity I will study at in Germany has accepted me! I got my letter today! They said they'll send more things in July.
I'm procrastinating yet again... I should be doing homework, but with my ears the way they are, it's incredibly difficult to concentrate and stare at books / notebooks for long periods of time... But I'm really trying to just plug along.
I'll be seeing a new ENT next Tuesday... I can't wait... I'm really hoping they can do something for me right away or relatively soon.
Other than that, there's not many new things going on here...
ATTENTION GERMAN SPEAKING READERS!!! If any of you have experience in the German university system, please email me some tips! haha! I'm going to need some advice...
I'm procrastinating yet again... I should be doing homework, but with my ears the way they are, it's incredibly difficult to concentrate and stare at books / notebooks for long periods of time... But I'm really trying to just plug along.
I'll be seeing a new ENT next Tuesday... I can't wait... I'm really hoping they can do something for me right away or relatively soon.
Other than that, there's not many new things going on here...
ATTENTION GERMAN SPEAKING READERS!!! If any of you have experience in the German university system, please email me some tips! haha! I'm going to need some advice...
Sunday, April 17, 2011
17PM - O.o
I have to appologize first... I've been very busy with procrastinating with schoolwork and such... Finding a new excuse everytime is tiring, ya know?
I felt GREAT for about two days... 13+14th... then I had two shitty days... 15+16th... My ears must be the reason for all this... There is no other explanation. Tomorrow I will make an appointment with the ENT... even though I don't like the one I'm going to - I really wish there was another great ENT in the area. Maybe there is... I'll ask for a referal from my regular doctor tomorrow morning. Summer is almost here and I am ready to get my life back and liev to the fullest.
It's been two months since I started blogging... and I really must thank all of you who have given me hope and support. I enjoy chatting with everyone and exchanging advice and stories - It REALLY helps!
I'll be back to let everyone know what the ENT says about what they can do for my ears. This is the final step I think... If I can just fix my ears, everything else will follow. :D Wish me luck!
I felt GREAT for about two days... 13+14th... then I had two shitty days... 15+16th... My ears must be the reason for all this... There is no other explanation. Tomorrow I will make an appointment with the ENT... even though I don't like the one I'm going to - I really wish there was another great ENT in the area. Maybe there is... I'll ask for a referal from my regular doctor tomorrow morning. Summer is almost here and I am ready to get my life back and liev to the fullest.
It's been two months since I started blogging... and I really must thank all of you who have given me hope and support. I enjoy chatting with everyone and exchanging advice and stories - It REALLY helps!
I'll be back to let everyone know what the ENT says about what they can do for my ears. This is the final step I think... If I can just fix my ears, everything else will follow. :D Wish me luck!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
12AM - Playing hooky!
Well... I am, but not to just skip school... I have a ton of work to catch up on and I'm currently procrastinating by writing this blog. I have little motivation and want to go back to sleep. But I only have a month left of school and I have to get it done. And then there's all of summer to procrastinate and sleep. After after summer is over I'M GOING TO GERMANY FOR A YEAR. But... that's also mostly more work... it will be mostly becoming fluent in the language, the last big push - I need it. But I'm hoping that it will be relaxing as well. I also hope that the panic / anxiety phase of my life will be over by then so that I can rebuild myself in an exciting new place. Then I can come home ready to go and push through my year or two of college. I am ready.
I'm also feeling less jittery and anxious today - my worst period day is over and all that sugar I had is now out of my system. I'm also going to start exercising. My body needs it.
I'll likely be back later to procrastinate more.
I'm also feeling less jittery and anxious today - my worst period day is over and all that sugar I had is now out of my system. I'm also going to start exercising. My body needs it.
I'll likely be back later to procrastinate more.
Monday, April 11, 2011
11AM - Mississippi River Problems
Good Morning! As depressing as this topic is, it must be discussed.
We all know the basic rule for water - it always flows downhill - Yah for gravity! For this reason, water will always take the path of least resistance and the steepest quickest way down. This holds true not only for the coffee you spillt on the road this morning but also for massive amounts of water as well - rivers. For people not from Louisiana or the area around, Old River Control is something they've never heard of. Basically it is a series of dams built to keep the Mississippi river from flowing into the Atchafalya river, a river that takes a third of the distance to get to the Gulf of Mexico than the Mississippi does (142 miles vs 335 miles). So naturally, the Mississippi wants to flow down the Atchafalya.
What's so wrong with keeping the river from taking a different path you ask? The coastline where the Mississippi delta currently is keeps growing and growing due to all the sediments it carries being deposited there. But the coastline where the Atchafalaya lies is being eroded faster than the river can replenish it. Also... remember how I said that when people fight mother nature, mother nature ALWAYS wins? Many experts predict that the Atchafalya will eventually capture the Mississippi. I find it also inevitable. How would life change after the Mississippi took a different path?
The following excerpt is a description of possible life after the switch is from Kazmann and Johnson (1980:10-16).
"In the aftermath of the huge floods that would cause the main flow of the river to jump to the Atchafalaya River, aside from the cost, anxiety, tragedy, and aggravation of dealing with massive amounts of water being in the wrong place, there would be lingering issues that would change the way of life on the lower Mississippi. Instead of 70% flow down the lower Mississippi and 30% flow down the Atchafalaya, the percentages would probably reverse. The Atchafalaya would be a rushing, raging river, even during the fall for a period of time until it scoured the channel and filled in the lower reaches so that the flow would diminish. Morgan City would have to be relocated, as would other communities and many businesses, possibly including the massive infrastructure of the offshore oil and gas industry. Fisheries would be altered measurably all across the delta. Oyster reefs would be immediately destroyed, and would take several years to reestablish and become productive (no erysters!). It would probably take two decades to adapt to the new environment around present day Morgan City. Additionally, pipelines, bridges, and the like that cross the Atchafalaya would be destroyed or rendered unsafe. The ruptured natural gas pipelines would place stress on fuel supplies for energy companies, but they would quickly change to more costly fuel sources and have little or no interruption of service. Imagine the traffic jams when and if bridges on I-10, U.S. 90, and U.S. 190 collapse (what about the railroads)? All trans-state traffic would have to be rerouted to I-20 via I-55 through Jackson, Mississippi, adding up to 615 miles to the trip (not to mention time delays from the traffic jams). The protective levees of the Atchafalaya Basin would have to be upgraded to handle the new pressure from spring flows. And, oh my gosh, think of the negative impact on the crawfish supply!
The lower Mississippi would still have a copious amount of water, but it would be slack compared to today. Shipping could continue to be an important industry, but it would be interrupted for a time. The slack water would allow (cause) the thalweg to fill in and stop deep-draft shipping. However, after intensive dredging efforts it may be found that a 50 ft channel can be easily maintained because of the tremendous decrease in sediment. New Orleans, possibly Baton Rouge, and all other cities and towns along the lower Mississippi would no longer be able to get their drinking water from the river. It would become too salty, since the lower fresh water flow would not offset the tidal movement of the Gulf. Can you imagine the cost of piping or trucking enough drinking (and flushing, etc.) water from north of Lake Pontchartrain to supply the needs of Greater New Orleans? Can you imagine Greater New Orleans without water for drinking and sanitation? Even when the water was just barely increasing in salinity, there would be severe damage to water heaters, fire sprinklers, fire truck pumping systems, and more. The quality of our coffee! As mentioned above, the fisheries (especially those associated with the fresh water river) would suddenly change. And what about the massive petrochemical industry corridor? Aside from the impact on shipping, which they could weather over time, industry could no longer use fresh river water for thermo-electric cooling. The saltier water would corrode all the pipes and related instrumentation. Of course, industry would change to salt-tolerant materials, but that would be costly and time consuming. Also, the sugarcane industry would have problems without sufficient fresh water.
All of this adjustment, and we have not delved into the intensity of impact on people's lives during the crisis and the adjustment period. All normal routines would stop. Businesses would be closed, as would schools, normal government, etc., etc. Virtually the entire population would spend months and months just coping - just putting their and others' lives back together. Imagine the emotional strain to the population - people losing a lifetime of accomplishment. This would be a tragedy of monumental proportions. It would interrupt life much like World War II.
One can also imagine the impact on the nation. Massive use of Federal dollars to protect and restore Louisiana's infrastructure. Loss of natural gas (there would be brown-outs throughout the eastern seaboard). Commerce would be interrupted by restriction of travel and Louisiana=s inability to focus on supplying items traditionally demanded from her natural resources by the nation. Prices of all Louisiana products (from the natural resources [fisheries, oil, gas] to industrial products [poly vinyl chloride, polyethelene, etc.]) would soar. The interruption of the pogie fisheries would be very negative for such food industries as chicken, catfish, and hogs (see the last section of the notes). New Orleans is one of the most important ports in the nation, and it would suddenly cease to function; all shipping and related industries on the Mississippi River would stop. International trade would be further imbalanced. The massive fertilizer business would shut down and the agriculture industry would falter.
And what about the economy of south Louisiana? For a period of time, all the revenue would dry up and tourism would collapse. Even Mardi Gras would possibly come to a halt!!! Only the mosquitoes would do well! And probably the cockroaches and Formosan termites.
Long term, we would adapt. Once the drinking and sanitation water issues were resolved, tourism would return. Coastal erosion could be reversed on the west side of the present-day Mississippi River. Shrimp, oysters, and other fisheries would probably flourish after a number of years due to new marshes being produced and nutrient rich sediments being redistributed.
This would obviously place a lot of stress on at least two generations of residents. We would survive, but it would be a new Louisiana and Mississippi River delta.
What condition might potentially lead to this scenario? Experts predict that the ORCS might fail if the snowfall between Saskatchewan and New York exceeds that of the winter of 1972-73."
Just take a minute and look at the scenario WE have caused for ourselves. We have to continue to pump millions of dollars into keeping the rivers separate because of the bad choices we have made. Our tax dollars.
Now... the levees... you might think these are a good thing, but then you would be mistaken. The levees only multiply the severity of flooding and other problems.
Think of all the roads around your house... and the parking lots... and buildings... what happens after a huge rain storm? They all have drains, correct? So instead of the soil absorbing all this rain water, it is directly transported to the sewer system and from there to the river. We have NEVER had faster flooding before in history. The amount of water dumped into the Mississippi is only growing day by day. As we pave more roads and build more houses and make more parking lots... the problem gets worse.
The levees hold all this water back from the banks where the flood waters like to go. Nature usually takes care of floods herself and the water is absorbed by miles and miles of the flood plain. And with so much water now being directed to the Mississippi, each levee, which is the length of the Great Wall of China, on each side must continue to be built bigger and higher... with OUR tax dollars.
Another problem created by the levee system is that all the sediments in the river that are usually deposited on the flood plain are now being channeled down the river instead. The flood plains are becoming less fertile, but the main problem is that this nutrient rich water is being directed right into the ocean... Algae are eating up these nutrients, mass spawning, mass dying, and after they die, they sink. As they sink the devoid the water of oxygen, making what fishermen call a "deadzone". (This is also how most of our oil / natural gas / coal was made, but that's another story for another day.)
The last problem I would like to bring up is that New Orleans must be constantly dredged now because the sediment of the river begins to drop on the river bed before hitting the ocean. This also costs a ton of money. OUR money.
I hope this gets your head gears turning, because this is only the beginning of problems we've created. I only mention tax dollars so much because for some people, the problem itself is not a problem to them. If there is money involved, some may think twice about it.
Well, that is my rant for this morning... hehe... see you all later...
We all know the basic rule for water - it always flows downhill - Yah for gravity! For this reason, water will always take the path of least resistance and the steepest quickest way down. This holds true not only for the coffee you spillt on the road this morning but also for massive amounts of water as well - rivers. For people not from Louisiana or the area around, Old River Control is something they've never heard of. Basically it is a series of dams built to keep the Mississippi river from flowing into the Atchafalya river, a river that takes a third of the distance to get to the Gulf of Mexico than the Mississippi does (142 miles vs 335 miles). So naturally, the Mississippi wants to flow down the Atchafalya.
What's so wrong with keeping the river from taking a different path you ask? The coastline where the Mississippi delta currently is keeps growing and growing due to all the sediments it carries being deposited there. But the coastline where the Atchafalaya lies is being eroded faster than the river can replenish it. Also... remember how I said that when people fight mother nature, mother nature ALWAYS wins? Many experts predict that the Atchafalya will eventually capture the Mississippi. I find it also inevitable. How would life change after the Mississippi took a different path?
The following excerpt is a description of possible life after the switch is from Kazmann and Johnson (1980:10-16).
"In the aftermath of the huge floods that would cause the main flow of the river to jump to the Atchafalaya River, aside from the cost, anxiety, tragedy, and aggravation of dealing with massive amounts of water being in the wrong place, there would be lingering issues that would change the way of life on the lower Mississippi. Instead of 70% flow down the lower Mississippi and 30% flow down the Atchafalaya, the percentages would probably reverse. The Atchafalaya would be a rushing, raging river, even during the fall for a period of time until it scoured the channel and filled in the lower reaches so that the flow would diminish. Morgan City would have to be relocated, as would other communities and many businesses, possibly including the massive infrastructure of the offshore oil and gas industry. Fisheries would be altered measurably all across the delta. Oyster reefs would be immediately destroyed, and would take several years to reestablish and become productive (no erysters!). It would probably take two decades to adapt to the new environment around present day Morgan City. Additionally, pipelines, bridges, and the like that cross the Atchafalaya would be destroyed or rendered unsafe. The ruptured natural gas pipelines would place stress on fuel supplies for energy companies, but they would quickly change to more costly fuel sources and have little or no interruption of service. Imagine the traffic jams when and if bridges on I-10, U.S. 90, and U.S. 190 collapse (what about the railroads)? All trans-state traffic would have to be rerouted to I-20 via I-55 through Jackson, Mississippi, adding up to 615 miles to the trip (not to mention time delays from the traffic jams). The protective levees of the Atchafalaya Basin would have to be upgraded to handle the new pressure from spring flows. And, oh my gosh, think of the negative impact on the crawfish supply!
The lower Mississippi would still have a copious amount of water, but it would be slack compared to today. Shipping could continue to be an important industry, but it would be interrupted for a time. The slack water would allow (cause) the thalweg to fill in and stop deep-draft shipping. However, after intensive dredging efforts it may be found that a 50 ft channel can be easily maintained because of the tremendous decrease in sediment. New Orleans, possibly Baton Rouge, and all other cities and towns along the lower Mississippi would no longer be able to get their drinking water from the river. It would become too salty, since the lower fresh water flow would not offset the tidal movement of the Gulf. Can you imagine the cost of piping or trucking enough drinking (and flushing, etc.) water from north of Lake Pontchartrain to supply the needs of Greater New Orleans? Can you imagine Greater New Orleans without water for drinking and sanitation? Even when the water was just barely increasing in salinity, there would be severe damage to water heaters, fire sprinklers, fire truck pumping systems, and more. The quality of our coffee! As mentioned above, the fisheries (especially those associated with the fresh water river) would suddenly change. And what about the massive petrochemical industry corridor? Aside from the impact on shipping, which they could weather over time, industry could no longer use fresh river water for thermo-electric cooling. The saltier water would corrode all the pipes and related instrumentation. Of course, industry would change to salt-tolerant materials, but that would be costly and time consuming. Also, the sugarcane industry would have problems without sufficient fresh water.
All of this adjustment, and we have not delved into the intensity of impact on people's lives during the crisis and the adjustment period. All normal routines would stop. Businesses would be closed, as would schools, normal government, etc., etc. Virtually the entire population would spend months and months just coping - just putting their and others' lives back together. Imagine the emotional strain to the population - people losing a lifetime of accomplishment. This would be a tragedy of monumental proportions. It would interrupt life much like World War II.
One can also imagine the impact on the nation. Massive use of Federal dollars to protect and restore Louisiana's infrastructure. Loss of natural gas (there would be brown-outs throughout the eastern seaboard). Commerce would be interrupted by restriction of travel and Louisiana=s inability to focus on supplying items traditionally demanded from her natural resources by the nation. Prices of all Louisiana products (from the natural resources [fisheries, oil, gas] to industrial products [poly vinyl chloride, polyethelene, etc.]) would soar. The interruption of the pogie fisheries would be very negative for such food industries as chicken, catfish, and hogs (see the last section of the notes). New Orleans is one of the most important ports in the nation, and it would suddenly cease to function; all shipping and related industries on the Mississippi River would stop. International trade would be further imbalanced. The massive fertilizer business would shut down and the agriculture industry would falter.
And what about the economy of south Louisiana? For a period of time, all the revenue would dry up and tourism would collapse. Even Mardi Gras would possibly come to a halt!!! Only the mosquitoes would do well! And probably the cockroaches and Formosan termites.
Long term, we would adapt. Once the drinking and sanitation water issues were resolved, tourism would return. Coastal erosion could be reversed on the west side of the present-day Mississippi River. Shrimp, oysters, and other fisheries would probably flourish after a number of years due to new marshes being produced and nutrient rich sediments being redistributed.
This would obviously place a lot of stress on at least two generations of residents. We would survive, but it would be a new Louisiana and Mississippi River delta.
What condition might potentially lead to this scenario? Experts predict that the ORCS might fail if the snowfall between Saskatchewan and New York exceeds that of the winter of 1972-73."
Just take a minute and look at the scenario WE have caused for ourselves. We have to continue to pump millions of dollars into keeping the rivers separate because of the bad choices we have made. Our tax dollars.
Now... the levees... you might think these are a good thing, but then you would be mistaken. The levees only multiply the severity of flooding and other problems.
Think of all the roads around your house... and the parking lots... and buildings... what happens after a huge rain storm? They all have drains, correct? So instead of the soil absorbing all this rain water, it is directly transported to the sewer system and from there to the river. We have NEVER had faster flooding before in history. The amount of water dumped into the Mississippi is only growing day by day. As we pave more roads and build more houses and make more parking lots... the problem gets worse.
The levees hold all this water back from the banks where the flood waters like to go. Nature usually takes care of floods herself and the water is absorbed by miles and miles of the flood plain. And with so much water now being directed to the Mississippi, each levee, which is the length of the Great Wall of China, on each side must continue to be built bigger and higher... with OUR tax dollars.
Another problem created by the levee system is that all the sediments in the river that are usually deposited on the flood plain are now being channeled down the river instead. The flood plains are becoming less fertile, but the main problem is that this nutrient rich water is being directed right into the ocean... Algae are eating up these nutrients, mass spawning, mass dying, and after they die, they sink. As they sink the devoid the water of oxygen, making what fishermen call a "deadzone". (This is also how most of our oil / natural gas / coal was made, but that's another story for another day.)
 |
| Water from all these areas... |
The last problem I would like to bring up is that New Orleans must be constantly dredged now because the sediment of the river begins to drop on the river bed before hitting the ocean. This also costs a ton of money. OUR money.
I hope this gets your head gears turning, because this is only the beginning of problems we've created. I only mention tax dollars so much because for some people, the problem itself is not a problem to them. If there is money involved, some may think twice about it.
Well, that is my rant for this morning... hehe... see you all later...
Sunday, April 10, 2011
10PM - Back from Geological Excursion with a massive sugar induced headache...
Why do I do this to myself? I felt kind of shitty eating sugary foods earlier, but they tasted sooo good... And I'm paying for it now - huge headache... It's that type where it only hurts or throbs if I'm moving around alot. Ugh...
Anyway... my geo lab professor took us to Erie, PA today, more specifically Presque Isle. Was a fun trip, but sad to see what the shoreline engineering has done to the place... and we only saw the least damaged places. Travel down the shore a few miles, you'll find concrete with jagged rusty rebar sticking up all over the place with "homemade enhancements" such as refrigerators. The lake has been pulling the shoreline back into itself along with houses for quite some time now. People resort to blocking the waves with appliances or anything they can to prevent more erosion.
These homeowners call their insurance companies - "Hello? Yes, I need to speak with someone about flood damage...". The definition of a flood is that water has breached your foundation. However when the insurance company finds out that the opposite has happened - The foundation fell into the water... The insurance company says "NO. Not paying for that!". So these frustrated homeowners write to the state... asking for money to fix their home and build a wall... The state tells them the same thing - we only deal with state owned land, not privately owned. However, there are quite a few sea walls built around lake Erie protecting homes and many other buildings... These walls need CONSTANT matinence... there's no such thing as "the budget doesn't allow for fixes this year..." - NO SUCH THING. You don't mantain the wall, you lose the entire investment and then some.
All this matinence and prevention costs an arm and a leg. Our tax dollars. We continue to pay for these idiots to buy and build homes directly on or very near the shore... Why? Why keep letting them rebuild and charge US the bill? I see only insanity.
Same thing along the Mississippi River... we know that the river floods every damn year, and REALLY bad about every thirty years... Why does the government fund these MORONS who build their trailers in the FLOOD PLAIN??? Why do WE pay for all this? Why continue to build levees and such that DO NOT WORK? What's so wrong with letting nature take its course? You can't fight mother nature and expect to win, she will KICK YOUR ASS. Hard.
Tomorrow I'll add in a few problems about the Mississippi River that I'll bet you have no idea about, yet these problems will be catastrophic very soon. :(
Anyway... my geo lab professor took us to Erie, PA today, more specifically Presque Isle. Was a fun trip, but sad to see what the shoreline engineering has done to the place... and we only saw the least damaged places. Travel down the shore a few miles, you'll find concrete with jagged rusty rebar sticking up all over the place with "homemade enhancements" such as refrigerators. The lake has been pulling the shoreline back into itself along with houses for quite some time now. People resort to blocking the waves with appliances or anything they can to prevent more erosion.
These homeowners call their insurance companies - "Hello? Yes, I need to speak with someone about flood damage...". The definition of a flood is that water has breached your foundation. However when the insurance company finds out that the opposite has happened - The foundation fell into the water... The insurance company says "NO. Not paying for that!". So these frustrated homeowners write to the state... asking for money to fix their home and build a wall... The state tells them the same thing - we only deal with state owned land, not privately owned. However, there are quite a few sea walls built around lake Erie protecting homes and many other buildings... These walls need CONSTANT matinence... there's no such thing as "the budget doesn't allow for fixes this year..." - NO SUCH THING. You don't mantain the wall, you lose the entire investment and then some.
All this matinence and prevention costs an arm and a leg. Our tax dollars. We continue to pay for these idiots to buy and build homes directly on or very near the shore... Why? Why keep letting them rebuild and charge US the bill? I see only insanity.
Same thing along the Mississippi River... we know that the river floods every damn year, and REALLY bad about every thirty years... Why does the government fund these MORONS who build their trailers in the FLOOD PLAIN??? Why do WE pay for all this? Why continue to build levees and such that DO NOT WORK? What's so wrong with letting nature take its course? You can't fight mother nature and expect to win, she will KICK YOUR ASS. Hard.
Tomorrow I'll add in a few problems about the Mississippi River that I'll bet you have no idea about, yet these problems will be catastrophic very soon. :(
Friday, April 8, 2011
8PM - Back to the ENT
I've decided that I want to go back to the ENT (Ear Nose Throar) doctor. My ears are horrid and have been horrid since about August. My first diagnosis was labyrinthitis... I have just done research regarding the link between the two and found that a bunch of people also have labyrinthitis induced anxiety and panic. :( Why does no one tell you these things? I need to have my ears taken care of immediately. Maybe then everything will go back to normal. I've been able to think my way through things, but I still feel icky... My head is always clogged and I just don't feel like me...
When I think about going to the beach and close my eyes, I feel better... anytime I think of something nice I feel better. To the ear doctor! She seemed like she was in a rush last time and I didn't get to ask many questions. I was told that it would go away on it's own within about six months though... It has been about seven months... Yeah... We'll see... I'm so tired of having to deal with this B/S all the time though. This isn't me... I'm not that person who spends most of the day worrying about panic attacks or every little detail that bothers me. That's not me. I'm the fun spontaneous type who's last worry is worrying itself. I'll get back to that point... in time.
Labyrinthitis Info
When I think about going to the beach and close my eyes, I feel better... anytime I think of something nice I feel better. To the ear doctor! She seemed like she was in a rush last time and I didn't get to ask many questions. I was told that it would go away on it's own within about six months though... It has been about seven months... Yeah... We'll see... I'm so tired of having to deal with this B/S all the time though. This isn't me... I'm not that person who spends most of the day worrying about panic attacks or every little detail that bothers me. That's not me. I'm the fun spontaneous type who's last worry is worrying itself. I'll get back to that point... in time.
Labyrinthitis Info
Bible Breakdown - The Book of Genesis : Chapters 1 - 2
As a geologist and scientist, the first chapters of genesis are nothing more than amusing to me. I have a pretty good idea of how the earth was made as all evidence present here on earth points to one solid theory
(In science, theory is a strong word. It does not mean a hypothesis as many people assume.), however I was not here to witness the beginning of Earth. But I do know that it did not just appear as the first chapter of genesis implies. I will not spend much time here. However I have found an inconsistency. From now on, I will mark inconsistencies with *'s.
*Genesis 1:3 - "And God said: Be light made. And light was made."
Genesis 1:14 > 1:6 - "And God said: Let there be lights made in the firmament of heaven, to divide the day and the night, and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years. To shine in the firmament of heaven, and to give light upon the earth. And so it was done. And God made two great lights: a greater light to rule the day; and a lesser light to rule the night: and the stars."
So what this says is that God created light before he created the sun. This inconsistency is actually consistent with the order in the ancient egyptian creation story of Hermopolis. Isn't that funny? You can read more here.*
Just a few remarks for chapter two...
Genesis 2:19 - "And the Lord God having formed out of the ground all the beasts of the earth, and all of the fowls of the air, brought them to Adam to see what he would call them: for whatsoever Adam called any living creature the same is its name."
What? Was the writer too lazy to name the creatures of the earth and describe them? And why even discriminate between two types of animals and give the types names before Adam has named them? Fowls and beasts... Perhaps instead of dividing the animals into groups based on their ability to get around, he might have wanted to base the group names on color, size or even what noise the animal makes... So why not just say "brought all the creatures" ? Oh and they already mentioned "fish" too... that kind of ruins the fun for Adam. :(
Moving on to the end of chapter two, we see the beginning of sexism in the bible. Eve is created from Adam's rib bone. Not much more to say yet. We'll get into much heavier and absolutely deporable acts of sexism later on.
So basically anyone educated beyond the sixth grade level in science can see that the first two chapters of genesis were made to explain the unexplainable (at that time). This sort of thing has been done all throughout history. However I find it hard to understand why anyone with access to modern science still believes in the christian creation story. I'm baffled.
(In science, theory is a strong word. It does not mean a hypothesis as many people assume.), however I was not here to witness the beginning of Earth. But I do know that it did not just appear as the first chapter of genesis implies. I will not spend much time here. However I have found an inconsistency. From now on, I will mark inconsistencies with *'s.
*Genesis 1:3 - "And God said: Be light made. And light was made."
Genesis 1:14 > 1:6 - "And God said: Let there be lights made in the firmament of heaven, to divide the day and the night, and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years. To shine in the firmament of heaven, and to give light upon the earth. And so it was done. And God made two great lights: a greater light to rule the day; and a lesser light to rule the night: and the stars."
So what this says is that God created light before he created the sun. This inconsistency is actually consistent with the order in the ancient egyptian creation story of Hermopolis. Isn't that funny? You can read more here.*
Just a few remarks for chapter two...
Genesis 2:19 - "And the Lord God having formed out of the ground all the beasts of the earth, and all of the fowls of the air, brought them to Adam to see what he would call them: for whatsoever Adam called any living creature the same is its name."
What? Was the writer too lazy to name the creatures of the earth and describe them? And why even discriminate between two types of animals and give the types names before Adam has named them? Fowls and beasts... Perhaps instead of dividing the animals into groups based on their ability to get around, he might have wanted to base the group names on color, size or even what noise the animal makes... So why not just say "brought all the creatures" ? Oh and they already mentioned "fish" too... that kind of ruins the fun for Adam. :(
Moving on to the end of chapter two, we see the beginning of sexism in the bible. Eve is created from Adam's rib bone. Not much more to say yet. We'll get into much heavier and absolutely deporable acts of sexism later on.
So basically anyone educated beyond the sixth grade level in science can see that the first two chapters of genesis were made to explain the unexplainable (at that time). This sort of thing has been done all throughout history. However I find it hard to understand why anyone with access to modern science still believes in the christian creation story. I'm baffled.
Bible Breakdown - Introduction
While the bible contains some beautiful poetry and a few wise thoughts, it is filled mostly with racism, sexism, hatred and cruelty. I ask you to join me and follow along with a mature and open mind. In a world where religion plays such an important part in the making of laws and how people live their lives, it is important to take time to read the books that these religions are based upon.
I have read the bible twice before, this will be my third time. If you have time to read and follow along, do so! If you're an atheist (as I am), do so! If you're a christian, do so! If you're a muslim, do so! If you're a human being, do so! Can't get out of that one! This is an important subject. Set aside some time! I won't be going at a very fast pace - we're going for quality here, not quantity!
Lastly... This is meant to invoke thought. Share your findings, not hate!
FINALLY! ...Let's begin...
I have read the bible twice before, this will be my third time. If you have time to read and follow along, do so! If you're an atheist (as I am), do so! If you're a christian, do so! If you're a muslim, do so! If you're a human being, do so! Can't get out of that one! This is an important subject. Set aside some time! I won't be going at a very fast pace - we're going for quality here, not quantity!
Lastly... This is meant to invoke thought. Share your findings, not hate!
FINALLY! ...Let's begin...
8AM - Plugged ears
I hate when my ears are all plugged up. Not only is it just plain uncomfortable, but... it also drives me crazy... i think literally. I've been observing lately that when my ears start to bother me, my panic and anxiety aren't far behind! Had I known this before, I think alot of panic could have been avoided. As I said earlier somewhere on this blog - I feel like if my ears suddenly "drained" or went clear, I would feel alot better. I'm going to give my ears another week or so - I'm thinking that this ear problem has something to with the cold weather, so I'll wait until it gets warmer... then play it by ear. Ahahahaha! Get it? GET IT??? Oh man... I am hilarious... ... ... ... Moving on... :P
I've been meaning to start doing a Bible breakdown and Koran breakdown, but as you can see, I've been delayed in doing so. But later on today I'd like to get started.
That would only be one topic I'm interested in discussing... I'll get to the environment soon though! This is the whole reason I started this blog - I am an observer of what happens here on this planet, I refuse to water down things and sugar coat them. Things are what they are. We're all adults - lets discuss important subjects like so.
My intentions are not to offend anyone, but I realize in discussing certain subjects that my intentions will not matter. People will find ways to be offended, but I'm trying to incite thoughtful and tolerant discussion, not hate wars.
...Wow this got heavy real quick... Aaaaanyway... :D
I'll be later!
I've been meaning to start doing a Bible breakdown and Koran breakdown, but as you can see, I've been delayed in doing so. But later on today I'd like to get started.
That would only be one topic I'm interested in discussing... I'll get to the environment soon though! This is the whole reason I started this blog - I am an observer of what happens here on this planet, I refuse to water down things and sugar coat them. Things are what they are. We're all adults - lets discuss important subjects like so.
My intentions are not to offend anyone, but I realize in discussing certain subjects that my intentions will not matter. People will find ways to be offended, but I'm trying to incite thoughtful and tolerant discussion, not hate wars.
...Wow this got heavy real quick... Aaaaanyway... :D
I'll be later!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
7AM - Nightmares and panic...
As you all (should) know by now, I am a geology student. As a geologist in training and because of Japan's latest disaster, I'm learning much about earthquakes, tsunamis and nuclear power. With all this being jammed into my head lately, it was only a matter of time before I had a tsunami nightmare.
I dreamt I was at a beautiful hotel swimming in the ocean. I came back up on the beach to look out over the sea and soon to be sunset. The water started running back towards the ocean, revealing all sorts of treasures. I immediately knew what was going on - I grabbed my fiance and as we started to run for the hotel we were yelling "GET OUT! GOT TO THE HOTEL!". But the noise from the people and the water surging backwards was too loud for us to be heard. Some people saw us running and followed... but when we all got back safely into the hotel high up, we watched as hundreds of people were crushed by this huge tsunami wave. I don't know why, but we all started to block doors so that the water couldnt get into the hotel. We wait back and watch to see if our blockades would stand up to the waves. Somehow, there were still people alive between waves that wanted in, and we had to take down the blockade and let them in, then rebuild the blockade before the next wave blasted through.
By this time I had woken up in complete panic. I got up to go brush my teeth (something I do to try to keep my mind off things). I went to get a drink of water. It was so dark that I was stumbling around knocking things over, just trying to calm myself down. At one time I saw a dark spot on the wall in the shape of a human and thought what if it's a guy? or a ghost??? (I don't know where I came up with that one... especially being that I'm an atheist! haha!) . . . But I was scared and shaking when I laid back down. Just trying to breathe slowly. Trying to fall back asleep.
I did fall asleep eventually, slept for another two hours... I've been awake for about an hour now.
Last night I did some research on massage therapy and panic... as I have done before, but I was wondering if my insurance would cover it perhaps? Didn't get too far, but I know I'd like to start regular massages. Also did a bit of research on aromatherapy as well. My fiance acutally has a bunch of oils, so I put some lavender in a cotton puff and put that in a cup on my nightstand last night. I really couldn't smell it unless I held the cup to my nose. But when I did smell it, it was relaxing. I'll have to find a more efficient way.
I imagine my anxiety is up because I'm close to my period... as I explained before period = hormones = extra emotional = anxiety... Horrible cycle... I hate period to begin with, why add on this extra b/s? :\ Meh... nothing I can do, nature does what nature does... Well I have homework to do... I likely won't even go to class today because I have so much to finish up on. Won't have time this weekend because one of my geology labs is taking an excursion! More on that later though!
I dreamt I was at a beautiful hotel swimming in the ocean. I came back up on the beach to look out over the sea and soon to be sunset. The water started running back towards the ocean, revealing all sorts of treasures. I immediately knew what was going on - I grabbed my fiance and as we started to run for the hotel we were yelling "GET OUT! GOT TO THE HOTEL!". But the noise from the people and the water surging backwards was too loud for us to be heard. Some people saw us running and followed... but when we all got back safely into the hotel high up, we watched as hundreds of people were crushed by this huge tsunami wave. I don't know why, but we all started to block doors so that the water couldnt get into the hotel. We wait back and watch to see if our blockades would stand up to the waves. Somehow, there were still people alive between waves that wanted in, and we had to take down the blockade and let them in, then rebuild the blockade before the next wave blasted through.
By this time I had woken up in complete panic. I got up to go brush my teeth (something I do to try to keep my mind off things). I went to get a drink of water. It was so dark that I was stumbling around knocking things over, just trying to calm myself down. At one time I saw a dark spot on the wall in the shape of a human and thought what if it's a guy? or a ghost??? (I don't know where I came up with that one... especially being that I'm an atheist! haha!) . . . But I was scared and shaking when I laid back down. Just trying to breathe slowly. Trying to fall back asleep.
I did fall asleep eventually, slept for another two hours... I've been awake for about an hour now.
Last night I did some research on massage therapy and panic... as I have done before, but I was wondering if my insurance would cover it perhaps? Didn't get too far, but I know I'd like to start regular massages. Also did a bit of research on aromatherapy as well. My fiance acutally has a bunch of oils, so I put some lavender in a cotton puff and put that in a cup on my nightstand last night. I really couldn't smell it unless I held the cup to my nose. But when I did smell it, it was relaxing. I'll have to find a more efficient way.
I imagine my anxiety is up because I'm close to my period... as I explained before period = hormones = extra emotional = anxiety... Horrible cycle... I hate period to begin with, why add on this extra b/s? :\ Meh... nothing I can do, nature does what nature does... Well I have homework to do... I likely won't even go to class today because I have so much to finish up on. Won't have time this weekend because one of my geology labs is taking an excursion! More on that later though!
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
6PM - Better day
Went out to lunch with my dad, was nice. Mostly talked about Germany plans and $$$...
Slept fine last night too... Head still feels groggy, and I still have some panic here and there... but I just have to remember that it's a panic attack and nothing more, then it goes away. I imagine that I will be going back to the ENT soon if my ears don't clear up soon. Other than that, everything is ok...
I have german hw to do now, but I really, REALLY don't feel like doing it... but I have to, meh... Maybe I'll sit in the tub and do it... that would be nice... until I drop my book in the tub. :D
Ah well... I post tomorrow to let you guys know how tonight goes.
Slept fine last night too... Head still feels groggy, and I still have some panic here and there... but I just have to remember that it's a panic attack and nothing more, then it goes away. I imagine that I will be going back to the ENT soon if my ears don't clear up soon. Other than that, everything is ok...
I have german hw to do now, but I really, REALLY don't feel like doing it... but I have to, meh... Maybe I'll sit in the tub and do it... that would be nice... until I drop my book in the tub. :D
Ah well... I post tomorrow to let you guys know how tonight goes.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
5AM - Well... I woke up in panic a few times last night!
I had a feeling I might... It's getting to be that "special" time of the month again, with a wonderful spike of hormones! I was watching the show Baggage... I'm addicted... and after it was over I started to feel a bit distant... sooo... I 'bated and fell asleep. But in the middle of the night I woke up freaking out and had a bit of trouble calming myself down. Now I just woke up fifteen minutes ago and shook most of my morning panic off... I hate this.
Ok... I know this is absolutely irrational, but I have to tell you guys... Last June I was scratched / perhaps bitten by a stray cat. I went to the doctor, she gave me antibiotics... she didn't even think about the possibility of rabies... Which I've been terrified of ever since I was bitten by my Totoro cat, when he was a kitten I picked him up off the road. The doctor I saw back then told me that if the cat was rabid he would have died within 7-10 days... Apparently animals can only transmit rabies when it starts to kill them, it remains dormant during the incubation time. So this cat that bit me last June disappeared for like a month... that whole time I'm wondering if it had rabies and in turn if I had rabies... a month later it came back meowing like usual, stayed for a few days, then left again. So I really don't think I have rabies, but when I started having panic I think "What if rabies is causing this? Am I going to die?" . I guess I just need a doctor to tell me again that I will be fine... that usually puts my mind at ease - having a professional tell me that nothing is wrong.
But in good news, I'm getting really excited about my Germany trip. I still seems surreal. But I'm now making lists and such for my trip - that takes my mind off things for awhile. I just hope my panic and DP is gone by then.
Ok... I know this is absolutely irrational, but I have to tell you guys... Last June I was scratched / perhaps bitten by a stray cat. I went to the doctor, she gave me antibiotics... she didn't even think about the possibility of rabies... Which I've been terrified of ever since I was bitten by my Totoro cat, when he was a kitten I picked him up off the road. The doctor I saw back then told me that if the cat was rabid he would have died within 7-10 days... Apparently animals can only transmit rabies when it starts to kill them, it remains dormant during the incubation time. So this cat that bit me last June disappeared for like a month... that whole time I'm wondering if it had rabies and in turn if I had rabies... a month later it came back meowing like usual, stayed for a few days, then left again. So I really don't think I have rabies, but when I started having panic I think "What if rabies is causing this? Am I going to die?" . I guess I just need a doctor to tell me again that I will be fine... that usually puts my mind at ease - having a professional tell me that nothing is wrong.
But in good news, I'm getting really excited about my Germany trip. I still seems surreal. But I'm now making lists and such for my trip - that takes my mind off things for awhile. I just hope my panic and DP is gone by then.
Monday, April 4, 2011
4PM - Haven't written in a few days, sorry!
I went out with my friends Friday night to celebrate my big 21! We ate at the Pittsburgh Hofbrauehaus and then went out clubbing... I had the best time I've had in years. I only had a few sips of dunkel Bier, I really have no interest in alcohol, let alone getting "wasted". I had an amazing time none-the-less (ofcoarse)!
Here's the great part - yesterday and today, I've been feeling bursts of "realness"... I'm so excited that this may become permanent once again! If I get better I promise myself that I will never let myself get down to the point where I was four months ago. I will never go through this again if I have a say in it.
I can get back to doing the things I enjoy!
...Like making videos... with my broken-ass camera... Yeah... sorry about the lack of videos lately, but my OLD camera is broken AGAIN... I'm saving for a new one, so I'll be back on air ASAP. Hang in there!
I posted a comment on this old evangelical man's video earlier... His video was basically him blabbing about marriage and being an old bigoted, hateful fart. I posted something like: "If you have the time to be posting hateful videos, then you should be using that time to find love and share it." I know I can't change these people, but I hope that my message gets through and maybe makes them think, even if it is just a bit.
Well... I'm off to get a shower...
...until later... <3
Here's the great part - yesterday and today, I've been feeling bursts of "realness"... I'm so excited that this may become permanent once again! If I get better I promise myself that I will never let myself get down to the point where I was four months ago. I will never go through this again if I have a say in it.
I can get back to doing the things I enjoy!
...Like making videos... with my broken-ass camera... Yeah... sorry about the lack of videos lately, but my OLD camera is broken AGAIN... I'm saving for a new one, so I'll be back on air ASAP. Hang in there!
I posted a comment on this old evangelical man's video earlier... His video was basically him blabbing about marriage and being an old bigoted, hateful fart. I posted something like: "If you have the time to be posting hateful videos, then you should be using that time to find love and share it." I know I can't change these people, but I hope that my message gets through and maybe makes them think, even if it is just a bit.
Well... I'm off to get a shower...
...until later... <3
Thursday, March 31, 2011
31PM - "Informational meeting about gas drilling"...
...what a complete and utter joke... nothing but 2 hours of four or five men lying to the residents of my community. Glad I'm a geology student! But it's too late to save this area. Most people have already signed lease agreements and some drilling has already begun. Absolutely sickening... I submitted a question - it wasn't answered ofcoarse! And even the questions that were answered - the answers had little or nothing to do with the question. For example, one man asked when the gas is depleted, would this area be abandoned like the community in Texas, where they left rusting rigs and a decimated eco-system and damaged soil and crops. An absolutely legit question... the representative started talking about jobs and the differences between the US and Mexico... WTF? I was ready to explode. I have never been so infuriated in my life. Especially with the people in our government who are supposed to be protecting us. The system is broken...
For those of you who do not know much about hydraulic fracturing and natural gas drilling, here's a FAQ
This hardly shows the severity of problems associated with hydraulic fracking, I highly, strongly recommend that you watch the movie "Gasland" by filmmaker Josh Fox. Don't let our community, state, country, planet... become a toxic wasteland. We have only one shot - one planet - we're all here together, what affects one area WILL eventually affect everyone else. Please help me, no... help everyone, including yourself, stand up to these companies and the government!!!
Contact your local official! Find him or her here: Contact Elected Officials .
For those of you who do not know much about hydraulic fracturing and natural gas drilling, here's a FAQ
How does hydraulic fracturing work?
Hydraulic fracturing or fracking is a means of natural gas extraction employed in deep natural gas well drilling. Once a well is drilled, millions of gallons of water, sand and proprietary chemicals are injected, under high pressure, into a well. The pressure fractures the shale and props open fissures that enable natural gas to flow more freely out of the well.What is horizontal hydraulic fracturing?
Horizontal hydrofracking is a means of tapping shale deposits containing natural gas that were previously inaccessible by conventional drilling. Vertical hydrofracking is used to extend the life of an existing well once its productivity starts to run out, sort of a last resort. Horizontal fracking differs in that it uses a mixture of 596 chemicals, many of them proprietary, and millions of gallons of water per frack. This water then becomes contaminated and must be cleaned and disposed of (in other words "thrown away", there is no such thing as "away" and we are ALL downstream!!!).What is the Halliburton Loophole?
In 2005, the Bush / Cheney Energy Bill exempted natural gas drilling from the Safe Drinking Water Act. It exempts companies from disclosing the chemicals used during hydraulic fracturing. Essentially, the provision took the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) off the job. It is now commonly referred to as the Halliburton Loophole.What is the Safe Drinking Water Act?
In 1974, the Safe Drinking Water Act (SDWA) was passed by Congress to ensure clean drinking water free from both natural and man-made contaminates.What is the FRAC Act?
The FRAC Act (Fracturing Responsibility and Awareness to Chemical Act) is a House bill intended to repeal the Halliburton Loophole and to require the natural gas industry to disclose the chemicals they use.How deep do natural gas wells go?
The average well is up to 8,000 feet deep. The depth of drinking water aquifers is about 1,000 feet. The problems typically stem from poor cement well casings that leak natural gas as well as fracking fluid into water wells.How much water is used during the fracking process?
Generally 1-8 million gallons of water may be used to frack a well. A well may be fracked up to 18 times.What fluids are used in the fracking process?
For each frack, 80-300 tons of chemicals may be used. Presently, the natural gas industry does not have to disclose the chemicals used, but scientists have identified volatile organic compounds (VOCs) such as benzene, toluene, ethylbenzene and xylene. PLEASE GOOGLE THESE CHEMICALS FOR YOURSELF!!!In what form does the natural gas come out of the well?
The gas comes up wet in produced water and has to be separated from the wastewater on the surface. Only 30-50% of the water is typically recovered from a well. This wastewater can be highly toxic.What is done with the wastewater?
Evaporators evaporate off VOCs and condensate tanks steam off VOCs, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The wastewater is then trucked to water treatment facilities.What is a well's potential to cause air pollution?
As the VOCs are evaporated and come into contact with diesel exhaust from trucks and generators at the well site, ground level ozone is produced. Ozone plumes can travel up to 250 miles.This hardly shows the severity of problems associated with hydraulic fracking, I highly, strongly recommend that you watch the movie "Gasland" by filmmaker Josh Fox. Don't let our community, state, country, planet... become a toxic wasteland. We have only one shot - one planet - we're all here together, what affects one area WILL eventually affect everyone else. Please help me, no... help everyone, including yourself, stand up to these companies and the government!!!
Contact your local official! Find him or her here: Contact Elected Officials .
31AM - Vivid Dreams
I feel lately (the last few months) that my dreams have been strangely real feeling, and when I wake up, it's like - Wow, so that was just a dream... Ofcoarse by that time, I also realize that flying gorillas don't exist, but my dream seemed oh-so-real! I sometimes feel more comfortable in my dreams or just imagining things than acutally being out in the real world. I don't know when this happened, but I will change it.
And to top things off, it snowed yesterday... It's supposed to be spring, and it snowed... :( As a snowboarder, I do enjoy snow, but I'm done for the season - I'm ready for warmer temperatures and all the green.
Oh! I also finally didn't put up with my fiance's father's drunken bullshit. He went to the doctor yesterday because his feet are PURPLE - because of his drinking. So we went down to their house a little before his dad was due home to ask how things went. His dad finally came home... nearly two hours later and wouldn't say a thing about what the doctor really said; he just kept laughing and giggling - pretending it was all a big joke. This infuriated me because a huge part of my anxiety comes from his drunken bullshit and worrying about his health. I finally told him that I wasn't going to waste my time caring about him if he didn't care about me. He continues to drain our family finacially and emotionally. I'm done. I can't let him keep creating stress in my life and letting myself deteriorate because of him.
Onward, to the next phase in my life!
And to top things off, it snowed yesterday... It's supposed to be spring, and it snowed... :( As a snowboarder, I do enjoy snow, but I'm done for the season - I'm ready for warmer temperatures and all the green.
Oh! I also finally didn't put up with my fiance's father's drunken bullshit. He went to the doctor yesterday because his feet are PURPLE - because of his drinking. So we went down to their house a little before his dad was due home to ask how things went. His dad finally came home... nearly two hours later and wouldn't say a thing about what the doctor really said; he just kept laughing and giggling - pretending it was all a big joke. This infuriated me because a huge part of my anxiety comes from his drunken bullshit and worrying about his health. I finally told him that I wasn't going to waste my time caring about him if he didn't care about me. He continues to drain our family finacially and emotionally. I'm done. I can't let him keep creating stress in my life and letting myself deteriorate because of him.
Onward, to the next phase in my life!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
30PM - "Energy Healing"
Well... it was my first time back to therapy in two weeks. I didn't have much to talk about, I'm more at peace with myself these days... I've learned how to calm myself down and such, I'll go through some techniques that helped me another time. But today my therapist wanted to do "Energy Healing"... As you already know - I'm an atheist, I don't believe in that sort of stuff - but I want to get better at any cost and I'm very open minded, so I agreed. Basically what happens is I lie down on this bed / table. And for an hour she goes through holding from my feet up to my head... Something about the transfer of energy, blah blah blah... I pretty much fell asleep... haha... After about fifteen minutes of lying still I couldn't help but start to doze off. So that was a waste of $95 for my hour of therapy. I think instead of going to therapy, my money would be better invested in a good massage. That's something that really makes me feel better. I love getting massages!!! :D Who doesn't though?... Anyway, I'm going to see another ENT (Ear Nose Throat) doctor to try and get my inner ear problems fixed. I have a feeling that will help a TON. I feel like if my ears were to suddenly unplug I would feel more "awake". We shall see!
Is there anyone out there reading that is at a similar stage? Or has already been past this part of DP? Or has anyone fixed their ears and had their anxiety / panic magically disappear too? So many questions... so few people to answer...
Just to clarify, this blog is no means a closed journal... I would very much like if my readers left comments and started conversations with me or other readers. This is a journey we are all experiencing - share what you can so that we may all benefit!
And I need more submissions for my survey to get any real numbers! I only have about five surveys turned in!!! Please help out! Help me help you!
Is there anyone out there reading that is at a similar stage? Or has already been past this part of DP? Or has anyone fixed their ears and had their anxiety / panic magically disappear too? So many questions... so few people to answer...
Just to clarify, this blog is no means a closed journal... I would very much like if my readers left comments and started conversations with me or other readers. This is a journey we are all experiencing - share what you can so that we may all benefit!
And I need more submissions for my survey to get any real numbers! I only have about five surveys turned in!!! Please help out! Help me help you!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
29PM - Birthday was great and I made another find about Anxiety!
My birthday was great! Went out with my mom for dinner and drinks then shopping! Friday I'm going out again with friends!
But more importantly! I discovered that inner ear problems and anxiety are closely related. This is good news for me because my inner ear problems started to get bad last august... right before my anxiety took a turn for the worse! I'm hoping I can get treatment for my ears and my anxiety will go away as well. I've been having really bad ear problems as of late too, so I just want both gone! I will make an appointment soon with an ear nose and throat doctor (ENT). I will let you guys know how that goes when I get to that point. For now I'm just going to relax and play some Starcraft!
But more importantly! I discovered that inner ear problems and anxiety are closely related. This is good news for me because my inner ear problems started to get bad last august... right before my anxiety took a turn for the worse! I'm hoping I can get treatment for my ears and my anxiety will go away as well. I've been having really bad ear problems as of late too, so I just want both gone! I will make an appointment soon with an ear nose and throat doctor (ENT). I will let you guys know how that goes when I get to that point. For now I'm just going to relax and play some Starcraft!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
27PM - Back home!
Went out shopping today cuz I got birthday money! I'll be 21 tomorrow! Wooo!!! Going out to dinner with my mom tomorrow then with my friends later on during the week. I can't believe I'm spending my 21st birthday as a depersonalized person though... this sucks immensely. I can't wait until I "wake up". I must be doing somethings right though because I have gained five pounds in about two weeks. That's a good sign, I had been losing weight for a long time, I was under 100!!! before I started really trying to fix myself.
That's all for now though, might take a bath or something... See ya!
That's all for now though, might take a bath or something... See ya!
27AM - End of the world!!! May 21! ZOMG
Well, I came across this shocking news today - according to a bunch of crazy ass christians - judgement day is on May 21 and the end of the world is October 21... I have to say upfront that I'll be going to their christian hell. That'll be fun... Yup... I don't understand how these people are allowed to interact with society. Their heads aren't on tight enough or something isn't quite right... O.o
I don't know... but I do know I'll be one of the people with the popcorn watching all the craziness go down. Free entertainment!
I must clarify that I am not religious, I am an atheist.
*An atheist loves his fellow man instead of god.
*An atheist believes that heaven is something for which we should work now – here on earth for all men together to enjoy.
*An atheist believes that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find in himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it, and enjoy it.
*An atheist believes that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment.
*He seeks to know himself and his fellow man rather than to know a god.
*An atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church.
*An atheist believes that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said.
*An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand and love man.
*He wants an ethical way of life. He believes that we cannot rely on a god or channel action into prayer nor hope for an end of troubles in a hereafter.
*He believes that we are our brother's keepers and are keepers of our own lives; that we are responsible persons and the job is here and the time is now.
I'm just glad I'm not part of any organized religion. I'm glad I'm free. I practice tolerance unless intolerance is shown first. My motto is "No tolerance for the intolerant". And feel free to join me on May 21, I'll bring the popcorn.
I don't know... but I do know I'll be one of the people with the popcorn watching all the craziness go down. Free entertainment!
I must clarify that I am not religious, I am an atheist.
*An atheist loves his fellow man instead of god.
*An atheist believes that heaven is something for which we should work now – here on earth for all men together to enjoy.
*An atheist believes that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find in himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it, and enjoy it.
*An atheist believes that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment.
*He seeks to know himself and his fellow man rather than to know a god.
*An atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church.
*An atheist believes that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said.
*An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand and love man.
*He wants an ethical way of life. He believes that we cannot rely on a god or channel action into prayer nor hope for an end of troubles in a hereafter.
*He believes that we are our brother's keepers and are keepers of our own lives; that we are responsible persons and the job is here and the time is now.
I'm just glad I'm not part of any organized religion. I'm glad I'm free. I practice tolerance unless intolerance is shown first. My motto is "No tolerance for the intolerant". And feel free to join me on May 21, I'll bring the popcorn.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
26PM - O.o
Well today started off crappy, but improved after my fiance and I spent the day out, just window shopping and being goofy... Just being around people improves my DP by so much. And I also think I'm going to scrap the blond hair idea... I know what you're thinking: WAIT!!! BUT YOU ALREADY BLEACHED YOUR HAIR!!! ...Yes, but you didn't let me finish! I think I'm going to have it colored... Bright RED!
Won't that be fun??? ^^
I did some guesstimating today as well for my Germany trip... and I need a shit-ton of money soon... I'm going to have to work my ass off this summer to get everything I need in time. Talk about stress!!! I need to hit the lottery or something... meh... Oh! Also found a visual dictionary (German / English) today, it is AMAZING. Where else will I learn the vocabulary? I really think it will help. I'm going to put together a list of my favorite german language books someday, for any of you who are learning the language or want to learn. I have a pretty amazing collection.
Well, I'll let you know how things progress... I've been taking my vitamins on schedule again, so that's good. We'll see where that takes me again. I think for now though, I'm gonna go take a tea bath. ^^
Won't that be fun??? ^^
I did some guesstimating today as well for my Germany trip... and I need a shit-ton of money soon... I'm going to have to work my ass off this summer to get everything I need in time. Talk about stress!!! I need to hit the lottery or something... meh... Oh! Also found a visual dictionary (German / English) today, it is AMAZING. Where else will I learn the vocabulary? I really think it will help. I'm going to put together a list of my favorite german language books someday, for any of you who are learning the language or want to learn. I have a pretty amazing collection.
Well, I'll let you know how things progress... I've been taking my vitamins on schedule again, so that's good. We'll see where that takes me again. I think for now though, I'm gonna go take a tea bath. ^^
Friday, March 25, 2011
25PM - DP episode
Well I suppose my good streak lasted long enough. I'm having moderate DP right now, and I almost let it get to me - I started thinking crazy thoughts because I was scared - but I came in here to write about it before I let it get out of hand. I started wondering if I was really real and if I wasn't what would the purpose be of me doing all this work? I know I'm just scaring myself, but I just want so badly to feel normal again. I really need to get out more. I want to get a job, I feel like that will help. I've been so isolated lately - I know this is a factor of my condition. I just need to keep my head up like I have been, that helps too... Maybe I'll go to the mall today. ...Man I really need some friends.
When I first met my fiance, I was in highschool. My friends really disapproved of my relationship with him. They told my parents when I was meeting him and where. They just ratted me out. Back then, he (my fiance) was the only person who really "got" me, and everyone in my life was doing everything they could to take him away from me. My friends grew distant from me and I started keeping them even further away. By the time I graduated highschool, I had no close friends. I had also moved into Garrett's (my fiance) house by then as well. I was in a new town with no one to turn to. My parents shunned me; they were angry with me for the longest time. So it's easy to see why I haven't started making a billion friends - I'm hesitant to trust people again. But that situation is long gone and there's no way to betray me. This whole ordeal really took a toll on me. I'm suffering now for it. I can blame whoever I want for getting me to where I am - BUT! it will be my fault if I stay this way. I will have to just keep plugging along. Soon enough I will come back as strong as ever! Stay tuned! :D
When I first met my fiance, I was in highschool. My friends really disapproved of my relationship with him. They told my parents when I was meeting him and where. They just ratted me out. Back then, he (my fiance) was the only person who really "got" me, and everyone in my life was doing everything they could to take him away from me. My friends grew distant from me and I started keeping them even further away. By the time I graduated highschool, I had no close friends. I had also moved into Garrett's (my fiance) house by then as well. I was in a new town with no one to turn to. My parents shunned me; they were angry with me for the longest time. So it's easy to see why I haven't started making a billion friends - I'm hesitant to trust people again. But that situation is long gone and there's no way to betray me. This whole ordeal really took a toll on me. I'm suffering now for it. I can blame whoever I want for getting me to where I am - BUT! it will be my fault if I stay this way. I will have to just keep plugging along. Soon enough I will come back as strong as ever! Stay tuned! :D
Thursday, March 24, 2011
24PM - Snuggling in for a movie soon...
...just wanted to get a few words in before I call it a day. Well, everything is turned in for Germany... just waiting for them to send a letter of acceptance! ;P I know I'll get in just fine! Made my famous alfredo sauce earlier over chicken, farfalle, brocolli and spinach... I'm drooling again just thinking about it... Only eight ingredients and I already listed four of them in the last sentence... For anyone intested in trying it out:
I usually eyeball it, but I watched what I put in earlier (approx), and I made a shit-ton so I can have more later!
-3/4 stick of butter, heat it up - medium heat.
-Grind FRESH about 1 tablespoon of black pepper, add to butter, it will foam up a bit.
-Mince (or I prefer to put it through the garlic press) 3 good sized cloves of garlic and add to the butter also.
-Let the butter / pepper / garlic mixture simmer for about 2 minutes, don't burn the garlic!
-Add in a pound of chicken strips / cubes, allow to sear on each side 1-2 minutes.
-Add in about 2-3 cups of brocolli.
-Add in 2 pints of heavy cream. (Trust me, use the heavy cream, don't skimp out! Besides, this is the good kind of fat! Your body needs it!)
-Allow cream to heat up to nearly boiling.
-Add in spinach, about... hmmm... 1-2 handfuls, as much or little as you like!
-Let simmer while stirring for 15-20 minutes. Cook your pasta while doing this!
-After your sauce has reduced, add in a 1/2 pound of grated (Don't use Kraft - yuck! I use Bel Gioioso) parmesean. Stir in to melt and blend - takes about 1 minute.
-Drain pasta and you're ready to eat!
I promise you this will be the best alfredo sauce ever! :D Makes my day THAT much better! If you try it, let me know! My fiance absolutely LOVES it. Annnyway!!! Time for me to go get comfy in bed for a movie... Think we're gonna watch "The Tourist" with Depp and Jolie...
I usually eyeball it, but I watched what I put in earlier (approx), and I made a shit-ton so I can have more later!
-3/4 stick of butter, heat it up - medium heat.
-Grind FRESH about 1 tablespoon of black pepper, add to butter, it will foam up a bit.
-Mince (or I prefer to put it through the garlic press) 3 good sized cloves of garlic and add to the butter also.
-Let the butter / pepper / garlic mixture simmer for about 2 minutes, don't burn the garlic!
-Add in a pound of chicken strips / cubes, allow to sear on each side 1-2 minutes.
-Add in about 2-3 cups of brocolli.
-Add in 2 pints of heavy cream. (Trust me, use the heavy cream, don't skimp out! Besides, this is the good kind of fat! Your body needs it!)
-Allow cream to heat up to nearly boiling.
-Add in spinach, about... hmmm... 1-2 handfuls, as much or little as you like!
-Let simmer while stirring for 15-20 minutes. Cook your pasta while doing this!
-After your sauce has reduced, add in a 1/2 pound of grated (Don't use Kraft - yuck! I use Bel Gioioso) parmesean. Stir in to melt and blend - takes about 1 minute.
-Drain pasta and you're ready to eat!
I promise you this will be the best alfredo sauce ever! :D Makes my day THAT much better! If you try it, let me know! My fiance absolutely LOVES it. Annnyway!!! Time for me to go get comfy in bed for a movie... Think we're gonna watch "The Tourist" with Depp and Jolie...
24AM - Photos printed and ready to go...
Just got my pics printed out, just in time to drive to school and turn them in. I woke up feeling horrid today, also woke up a few times last night with panic about the weirdest of things - thought about the possible effects of using bleach on my head and if it made me lose brain cells... Yeah... I know, it's weird, but it happened... Luckily I was able to calm myself down and go back to sleep. Lately I've had this feeling where I'm able to look out over my situation and think things like - "Heather, if you were to show up at the emergency room right now, and tell these people what you're thinking, they'd laugh at you. It's absolutely rediculous. You're fine! There is nothing wrong with you!" And it works. Last night I thought about showing up at the hospital and telling them I thought my hair color caused brain damage, I heard myself saying it and realized how insane it sounded. I know my thoughts are irrational, and I just have to reason with myself and let it pass, there's no other way. I woke up this morning feeling out of it and a bit dizzy, but as soon as I was moving around for a few minutes I felt better. I'd really like my fiance to drive me today, I'm just not feeling up to it. We'll see what he says... :P
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
23PM - Lighter Hair, Lighter Mood
...or so that's the theory! I'm going blonde! I sat at the hair salon today from 10:30am until about 4pm... Got a full head of foils, and I don't love it, but it's the first step in lightening my hair. I'd put in a picture of my hair now and also a picture of the end result I want, but blogger is giving me problems as usual. So for now, I'll just describe quickly - I want a medium ash blonde with highlights... My hair is naturally dark ash blonde / light ash brown, so the regrowth won't be a big deal.
I'm just glad to be home now. Long day... I still have to take pictures for tomorrow, and.... oh ... f^ck... I forgot to get photo paper while I was out... I think I actually may have some free samples in my stash... Phew... Annnyway... Today was ok, I zoned out a bit while having my hair done, but I didn't let it get to me. That's the trick, just letting the wave of anxiety flow through you, fighting it only makes it worse.
I'll let you guys know how my pictures go tomorrow.
I'm just glad to be home now. Long day... I still have to take pictures for tomorrow, and.... oh ... f^ck... I forgot to get photo paper while I was out... I think I actually may have some free samples in my stash... Phew... Annnyway... Today was ok, I zoned out a bit while having my hair done, but I didn't let it get to me. That's the trick, just letting the wave of anxiety flow through you, fighting it only makes it worse.
I'll let you guys know how my pictures go tomorrow.
Monday, March 21, 2011
21PM - Finalizing paperwork for Germany...
I filled out the last of the forms today, just need a few passport photos now. I can't believe I'm actually going to go! I still feel like it's never going to happen, like it's some far off event, even though I only have five months or so to get ready.
I forgot to take my vitamins the last two days, and I don't know if it's just my mind at work, or if it's really because I forgot to take them, but I feel a bit icky - a little DP going on, slight headache...
Is it like this for other DP sufferers? I feel more comfortable when I'm watching TV or thinking about memories or imagining how something would happen in real life... I always find myself trying to escape reality. Then when I have to come back to reality and pay attention, I feel on edge... is this just me? Or do you guys feel like that too?
I really just can't wait for summer, so that I can relax and not worry about homework and responsibility.
I forgot to take my vitamins the last two days, and I don't know if it's just my mind at work, or if it's really because I forgot to take them, but I feel a bit icky - a little DP going on, slight headache...
Is it like this for other DP sufferers? I feel more comfortable when I'm watching TV or thinking about memories or imagining how something would happen in real life... I always find myself trying to escape reality. Then when I have to come back to reality and pay attention, I feel on edge... is this just me? Or do you guys feel like that too?
I really just can't wait for summer, so that I can relax and not worry about homework and responsibility.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
20PM - Progression of My Physical Symptoms
I know a bunch of you have been asking about this, and I'm more than happy to share!
When I first started having anxiety I would just have an upset stomach every or every other night. Sometimes I would throw up and sometimes I wouldn't.
After a few months, these sensations of nausea would grow to include shaking / trembling. I also started having ...well, diarrhea... gross, but it makes sense given that your body is under constant stress.
A few months after that, I began having trouble breathing when I was anxious - I would have back pain and my chest would feel tight.
And after about six months of dealing with all these symptoms put together, I began having DP.
My anxiety started about a year and a half ago. Last summer I also had what I thought at the time was a seizure, but it turned out that when I had a panic attack my blood cells dropped all their calcium and my hands locked up, only for about five minutes with another five minutes of build up prior to the event. Weird, but the doctor said that when the body goes into extreme panic it can cause blood cells to just drop everything, and when they drop calcium, what I went through can happen. I could talk and look around, nothing else was affected, just my hands. The EMT said that his girlfriend goes through the same thing, except hers is more extreme - she can't even move her head. But luckily this only happened to me once, and that was almost a year ago.
Anxiety can cause almost ANYTHING.
I know many of you who read are like me and keep looking for an alternative reason for these symptoms, but trust me, there's nothing wrong with you! I've had all the tests done - bloodwork, specialty doctors... you name it, I was there. It's just anxiety, and you must realize it's all in your head before you can start healing and getting rid of these symptoms. I had to go through all of this with no one to reassure me. I'm here for you this time, I'm assuring you it's nothing more than your head trying to mess with you. You'll just have to trust me on this one.
When I first started having anxiety I would just have an upset stomach every or every other night. Sometimes I would throw up and sometimes I wouldn't.
After a few months, these sensations of nausea would grow to include shaking / trembling. I also started having ...well, diarrhea... gross, but it makes sense given that your body is under constant stress.
A few months after that, I began having trouble breathing when I was anxious - I would have back pain and my chest would feel tight.
And after about six months of dealing with all these symptoms put together, I began having DP.
My anxiety started about a year and a half ago. Last summer I also had what I thought at the time was a seizure, but it turned out that when I had a panic attack my blood cells dropped all their calcium and my hands locked up, only for about five minutes with another five minutes of build up prior to the event. Weird, but the doctor said that when the body goes into extreme panic it can cause blood cells to just drop everything, and when they drop calcium, what I went through can happen. I could talk and look around, nothing else was affected, just my hands. The EMT said that his girlfriend goes through the same thing, except hers is more extreme - she can't even move her head. But luckily this only happened to me once, and that was almost a year ago.
Anxiety can cause almost ANYTHING.
I know many of you who read are like me and keep looking for an alternative reason for these symptoms, but trust me, there's nothing wrong with you! I've had all the tests done - bloodwork, specialty doctors... you name it, I was there. It's just anxiety, and you must realize it's all in your head before you can start healing and getting rid of these symptoms. I had to go through all of this with no one to reassure me. I'm here for you this time, I'm assuring you it's nothing more than your head trying to mess with you. You'll just have to trust me on this one.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
19PM - Didn't win that damn HGTV Dream Home...
Well... there goes my night... :( I found that the winner was already announced for this year - totally ruins the fun of waiting for the premiere night. But, oh well...
Oh yeah! This morning our laundry room flooded because the plug for the pump somehow became unplugged... Was wonderful... Our house is falling apart and is so shoddily built it makes me want to cry / scream / run away and steal some one's nice house...
Nothing I can do right now though, just hang in there and keep taking care of everything. ... I've been taking care of everything from a young age. I've been non-stop responsible from about age 3 and up. I need a break... Just a small break... I want to be taken care of for a change someday... Just be able to let go and relax while I know that everything will be ok for once. I'm tired of scrapping by and still not having enough... I've built up about a thousand dollars of debt on my credit card for gas and food already over the last few months... Ever since I moved out of my parents house (or rather, I was kicked out) my parents have actually taken money from me rather than done anything to help me grow and move on as a person. We've healed a few scratches from my teen years, not all yet, but still I recieve no financial help from them. Now I may sound like an asshole here, because I know many are worse off than I, but my parents are bending over backwards to send my younger brother to college and finance him. I have paid every penny for my schooling so far, and I'm going into my third year. What's wrong with me? Am I not a good investment? What's so much better about my brother? I have no weird feelings toward my brother, it's not his decision at all. I know my parents love me, but these type of things (this isn't the only example, just the biggest so far) make me think that they love me less, like I'm just some cancerous tumor that they finally got rid of...
That house would have been the answer to my problems... But I have to keep moving, keep breathing, keep living, even though I have trouble even feeling alive at times with this depersonalization crap. I'll survive though, I hope.
Sorry I've been so down lately, I'm just finally opening up to everyone I suppose. Take it as a compliment!
Oh yeah! This morning our laundry room flooded because the plug for the pump somehow became unplugged... Was wonderful... Our house is falling apart and is so shoddily built it makes me want to cry / scream / run away and steal some one's nice house...
Nothing I can do right now though, just hang in there and keep taking care of everything. ... I've been taking care of everything from a young age. I've been non-stop responsible from about age 3 and up. I need a break... Just a small break... I want to be taken care of for a change someday... Just be able to let go and relax while I know that everything will be ok for once. I'm tired of scrapping by and still not having enough... I've built up about a thousand dollars of debt on my credit card for gas and food already over the last few months... Ever since I moved out of my parents house (or rather, I was kicked out) my parents have actually taken money from me rather than done anything to help me grow and move on as a person. We've healed a few scratches from my teen years, not all yet, but still I recieve no financial help from them. Now I may sound like an asshole here, because I know many are worse off than I, but my parents are bending over backwards to send my younger brother to college and finance him. I have paid every penny for my schooling so far, and I'm going into my third year. What's wrong with me? Am I not a good investment? What's so much better about my brother? I have no weird feelings toward my brother, it's not his decision at all. I know my parents love me, but these type of things (this isn't the only example, just the biggest so far) make me think that they love me less, like I'm just some cancerous tumor that they finally got rid of...
That house would have been the answer to my problems... But I have to keep moving, keep breathing, keep living, even though I have trouble even feeling alive at times with this depersonalization crap. I'll survive though, I hope.
Sorry I've been so down lately, I'm just finally opening up to everyone I suppose. Take it as a compliment!
Friday, March 18, 2011
18PM - Still cleaning... :\
Still working on gettting EVERYTHING cleaned up... Mostly the outside of the house now...
I don't know if I have mentioned yet that my fiance's father and mother are alcoholics, but that's a huge stressor on my life, especially since they live right next door... HA! And you think you have it bad, imagine living next door to your inlaws, and on top of that - they're alcoholics who run your life... And people wonder why I had high anxiety and DP... yeah...
His father is by far much worse off than his mother. He is drunk 24 / 7, and is now waking up in the middle of the night to get a few shots... His mother gets drunk everyday at 4PM... A lovely scenario I have, isn't it? Anyway, his dad is not the same person anymore, from what I hear... He's always yelling about something, starting fights and just being a complete drain on this family. He won't get help and hardly eats anymore. He came up to "help" us clean up today, but instead just acted like a jackass.
This man is going to get someone killed, it's just a matter of time. He drives drunk, because he is NEVER sober. I don't know what to do... call the cops? an ambulance? I know the laws - I, or my fiance, or his mother can't force him to go or stay anywhere... So what do I do? How can we help him before he kills someone? ...or himself? Has anyone ever dealt with anyone like this? I don't know what to do or who to turn to... He's one of the major reasons for why I have anxiety and he just doesn't care.
Anyone?
Thoughts?
I don't know if I have mentioned yet that my fiance's father and mother are alcoholics, but that's a huge stressor on my life, especially since they live right next door... HA! And you think you have it bad, imagine living next door to your inlaws, and on top of that - they're alcoholics who run your life... And people wonder why I had high anxiety and DP... yeah...
His father is by far much worse off than his mother. He is drunk 24 / 7, and is now waking up in the middle of the night to get a few shots... His mother gets drunk everyday at 4PM... A lovely scenario I have, isn't it? Anyway, his dad is not the same person anymore, from what I hear... He's always yelling about something, starting fights and just being a complete drain on this family. He won't get help and hardly eats anymore. He came up to "help" us clean up today, but instead just acted like a jackass.
This man is going to get someone killed, it's just a matter of time. He drives drunk, because he is NEVER sober. I don't know what to do... call the cops? an ambulance? I know the laws - I, or my fiance, or his mother can't force him to go or stay anywhere... So what do I do? How can we help him before he kills someone? ...or himself? Has anyone ever dealt with anyone like this? I don't know what to do or who to turn to... He's one of the major reasons for why I have anxiety and he just doesn't care.
Anyone?
Thoughts?
18AM - My Zoloft withdrawl
I want to talk about my Zoloft withdrawl today. I don't want people thinking they're alone when they experience these crazy and scary side effects.
- I couldn't sleep
- Nightmares
- Tingly skin
- Nausea
- Felt like I had a fever
- Felt numb to everything
- Increased my anxiety
I know there is more, but I lost the paper where I wrote down my side effects as it happened. But I just want you guys to know you're not alone, I experienced this too. I don't recommend drugs at all. I actually think Zoloft really kicked off my depersonalization because before it, it seemed like I would have a few episodes and it would go away, but after I took the drug, it seemed my DP really took hold of me. These new SSRI drugs seem to be getting a ton of bad reviews, I'm here to add to that list. There's something not quite right bout them. Fight your anxiety and depression on your own, it'll be harder, but you'll actually cure yourself, rather than just cover up the problem. The doctors / pharmaceutical companies just want you to be dependent. But it is absolutely possible to recover on your own, without drugs... it just takes longer - but trust me -IT IS WORTH IT!!!
- I couldn't sleep
- Nightmares
- Tingly skin
- Nausea
- Felt like I had a fever
- Felt numb to everything
- Increased my anxiety
I know there is more, but I lost the paper where I wrote down my side effects as it happened. But I just want you guys to know you're not alone, I experienced this too. I don't recommend drugs at all. I actually think Zoloft really kicked off my depersonalization because before it, it seemed like I would have a few episodes and it would go away, but after I took the drug, it seemed my DP really took hold of me. These new SSRI drugs seem to be getting a ton of bad reviews, I'm here to add to that list. There's something not quite right bout them. Fight your anxiety and depression on your own, it'll be harder, but you'll actually cure yourself, rather than just cover up the problem. The doctors / pharmaceutical companies just want you to be dependent. But it is absolutely possible to recover on your own, without drugs... it just takes longer - but trust me -IT IS WORTH IT!!!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
16PM - Looking back on my progress...
I know I'm not entirely healed, and won't be for a while... but looking back to where I was one-two months ago... wow, what an improvement... I was having multiple panic attacks per day, always thinking I was going to die or lose my mind... feeling just completely out of it 24 / 7... I had no hope what-so-ever... I wasn't suicidal, but I wouldn't have cared if I died. It was such a depressing time.
I still often feel out of it, or my head feels "fuzzy"... But I much better off than I was... My point is : Always keep hope, it might be all you have, but it is enough to pull you through. Never let go of it.
I'd type more tonight, but I just typed a huge paper and made a HUGE powerpoint presentation for tomorrow... My hands are killing me.
I still often feel out of it, or my head feels "fuzzy"... But I much better off than I was... My point is : Always keep hope, it might be all you have, but it is enough to pull you through. Never let go of it.
I'd type more tonight, but I just typed a huge paper and made a HUGE powerpoint presentation for tomorrow... My hands are killing me.
16AM - It's already been a month!
I realized this when I went to type the title... and a 16 came up already with the title of my first post... haha, wow...
I just wanted to make a note of my nail biting habit. For awhile I didnt bite my nails at all, when my DP was bad. I didn't do anything really, because I felt so out of it. But I've had these little bursts of "waking up" and I'll bite my nails again... I know it's a bad habit and I want to quit, but for now it's a good sign. I have therapy today, and I think after two weeks of considering this, I want to go to therapy every other week, instead of every wednesday. I think I'm ready. I feel so hopeful at times I could cry, haha... But I can't wait to start writing about other things that I'm passionate about instead of this horrible disorder... I feel that day is closer than I think. I am able to control my panic and anxiety so much better these days, just a little more and life will be bearable again, and a little more past that and life will be great again! I'm on my way!
I just wanted to make a note of my nail biting habit. For awhile I didnt bite my nails at all, when my DP was bad. I didn't do anything really, because I felt so out of it. But I've had these little bursts of "waking up" and I'll bite my nails again... I know it's a bad habit and I want to quit, but for now it's a good sign. I have therapy today, and I think after two weeks of considering this, I want to go to therapy every other week, instead of every wednesday. I think I'm ready. I feel so hopeful at times I could cry, haha... But I can't wait to start writing about other things that I'm passionate about instead of this horrible disorder... I feel that day is closer than I think. I am able to control my panic and anxiety so much better these days, just a little more and life will be bearable again, and a little more past that and life will be great again! I'm on my way!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
15PM - Good day, again... :D
My fiance drove me to school today, I would have been fine, but my day is so much easier when I don't have to get worked up over driving. It really ruins my entire day. I'll get back to myself soon, but for now I like having the extra help. I had a great day, saw my friends I went boarding with for the first time since we were at the mountain - had lunch and laughed a ton... Got an exam back for geology - got a 98%!!! I have to give my speech on Thursday on the origin and use of oil / natural gas / coal... I picked the topic because I know most people have no idea what the stuff is made of and under the conditions it was made. I also add in the dangers of continuing to use carbon based fuels like we have an unlimited supply. Perhaps to practice my speech I'll make a video... hmmm... that sounds like a good idea! :D
I have a slight headache at the moment, but I'll live... Miraculously, I'm not thinking I have a brain tumor, just a headache... hmmm? On a good path? I'd say so...
I have a slight headache at the moment, but I'll live... Miraculously, I'm not thinking I have a brain tumor, just a headache... hmmm? On a good path? I'd say so...
Monday, March 14, 2011
14PM - Back to classes today...
Today was the first time I had to drive ...since, the last time I wrote about driving I suppose... I was fine up until I started thinking about the way I felt the last time I drove... But I didn't let the thoughts take over, I didn't react or panic, and my DP went away a bit. I also handed in my application to study abroad today. I am now commited to go to Germany in the fall and stay for an entire year. I'm excited, yet I hope I'm "better" by then... I don't want it all to pass me by like I'm in a haze. But I'm hopeful that I'll be fine. I seem to be improving with all my techniques I have been using and my new diet hasn't hurt either. Accepting that I have DP and ignoring it (letting it pass without panicking) seems to have been the most difficult step to my recovery. Never lose hope, there is always a better tomorrow ahead.
I'd like to talk about my Zoloft withdrawl soon as well, as I hear I'm not the only one who went through a rough SSRI withdrawl (even on the lowest dosage and only for four days). I don't recommend drugs at all. But that's another time... I think a video will supplement that well. There's my project for this Sunday.
Until later...
I'd like to talk about my Zoloft withdrawl soon as well, as I hear I'm not the only one who went through a rough SSRI withdrawl (even on the lowest dosage and only for four days). I don't recommend drugs at all. But that's another time... I think a video will supplement that well. There's my project for this Sunday.
Until later...
Sunday, March 13, 2011
13PM - Tylenol and Motrin...
Gotta love painkillers... Good news is that I felt better after taking 2 tylenols and a motrin. Bad news is that I have to go back to classes tomorrow... :\ I have no desire to go to class... I'm ready for summer.
Looking back to about a month ago, when I started this blog... man, what an improvement... My panic had control of my life nearly every minute. What a terrifying time. By no means am I cured entirely yet. But I do feel much better than a month ago.
Oh! I also started my protein powder yesterday. No weight gain yet. I am on average over 100 pounds now. (I check daily.) I feel like if I continue the path I'm on, I will recover all the way. I still feel disconnected at times, when I let it get to me, or when I'm super upset... But overall I do feel like I am able to change myself and how I react and maybe one day I won't have anxiety or DP at all.
Another thing that grounds me and makes me feel better is punching the shit out of the punching bag we have downstairs. And what feels even better is if I speak my mind at the moment something happens that upsets me... I don't mean I speak without thinking though, I do however express myself. No more bottling up emotions - especially anger.
FILL OUT THE SURVEY!!! ...please... No one has written back yet... :( Makes me feel like no one is listening...
Looking back to about a month ago, when I started this blog... man, what an improvement... My panic had control of my life nearly every minute. What a terrifying time. By no means am I cured entirely yet. But I do feel much better than a month ago.
Oh! I also started my protein powder yesterday. No weight gain yet. I am on average over 100 pounds now. (I check daily.) I feel like if I continue the path I'm on, I will recover all the way. I still feel disconnected at times, when I let it get to me, or when I'm super upset... But overall I do feel like I am able to change myself and how I react and maybe one day I won't have anxiety or DP at all.
Another thing that grounds me and makes me feel better is punching the shit out of the punching bag we have downstairs. And what feels even better is if I speak my mind at the moment something happens that upsets me... I don't mean I speak without thinking though, I do however express myself. No more bottling up emotions - especially anger.
FILL OUT THE SURVEY!!! ...please... No one has written back yet... :( Makes me feel like no one is listening...
13AM - Ugh...
It's that wonderful time of month again... This definitely makes my anxiety spike... Not to mention I feel like I'm falling apart - my cramps are hell... I woke up feeling like... well... shit. So much so, that I don't feel like writing anymore. ...Later.
Friday, March 11, 2011
11AM - SURVEY
DP / Anxiety / Depression Survey
Basics
1. Gender
2. Age
Environment
3. Do you have a roomate or someone you live with? (Pets?) Who?
4. Do you have a significant other?
5. Do you live in the city? suburbs? country?
6. What is the climate like where you live? (Do you have 4 seasons? 2? Does it rain more often than it is sunny?)
7. How clean is your living space on a scale of 1 - 10?
Heredity
8. Do you know if anyone else in your family has struggled with anxiety, depression or another disocciative disorder? Who?
9. At what age did your anxiety / DP / depression begin?
Personality Traits
10. Are you more the type to bottle up anger? or speak your mind immediately?
11. Do you prefer spending time alone or with a bunch of people?
12. On average, how many hours per week do you spend alone?
13. On average, how many hours per week do you spend socializing?
14. What causes you to become anxious? (Multiple answers, please.)
Traumatic Events
15. Have you recently experienced any traumatic events? (Car accident, death of a loved one...etc)
16. Have you ever experienced a traumatic event? -->Has anything lately happened that could have triggered memories from said traumatic event?
Medication
17. Do you currently take any medication related to your DP / Anxiety / Depression?
18. Have you ever taken medication for said reasons? When? For how long?
Health
19. Do you currently take vitamins or supplements? How long have you been taking them?
20. Do you exercise? How often?
21. What does your diet typically consist of?
22. Do you sleep every night? How many hours?
Grounding Yourself
23. What seems to make your condition better?
24. Over time, how has your condition seemed to progress?
25. What seems to make your condition worse?
If you feel I have left any important questions out, or want to add additional information, please let me know! It all helps!
Email me your numbered answers or message me on youtube.
ObservationsOfAnEarthCitizen@gmail.com
Basics
1. Gender
2. Age
Environment
3. Do you have a roomate or someone you live with? (Pets?) Who?
4. Do you have a significant other?
5. Do you live in the city? suburbs? country?
6. What is the climate like where you live? (Do you have 4 seasons? 2? Does it rain more often than it is sunny?)
7. How clean is your living space on a scale of 1 - 10?
Heredity
8. Do you know if anyone else in your family has struggled with anxiety, depression or another disocciative disorder? Who?
9. At what age did your anxiety / DP / depression begin?
Personality Traits
10. Are you more the type to bottle up anger? or speak your mind immediately?
11. Do you prefer spending time alone or with a bunch of people?
12. On average, how many hours per week do you spend alone?
13. On average, how many hours per week do you spend socializing?
14. What causes you to become anxious? (Multiple answers, please.)
Traumatic Events
15. Have you recently experienced any traumatic events? (Car accident, death of a loved one...etc)
16. Have you ever experienced a traumatic event? -->Has anything lately happened that could have triggered memories from said traumatic event?
Medication
17. Do you currently take any medication related to your DP / Anxiety / Depression?
18. Have you ever taken medication for said reasons? When? For how long?
Health
19. Do you currently take vitamins or supplements? How long have you been taking them?
20. Do you exercise? How often?
21. What does your diet typically consist of?
22. Do you sleep every night? How many hours?
Grounding Yourself
23. What seems to make your condition better?
24. Over time, how has your condition seemed to progress?
25. What seems to make your condition worse?
If you feel I have left any important questions out, or want to add additional information, please let me know! It all helps!
Email me your numbered answers or message me on youtube.
ObservationsOfAnEarthCitizen@gmail.com
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