Thursday, March 31, 2011

31PM - "Informational meeting about gas drilling"...

...what a complete and utter joke... nothing but 2 hours of four or five men lying to the residents of my community.  Glad I'm a geology student!  But it's too late to save this area.  Most people have already signed lease agreements and some drilling has already begun.  Absolutely sickening...  I submitted a question - it wasn't answered ofcoarse!  And even the questions that were answered - the answers had little or nothing to do with the question.  For example, one man asked when the gas is depleted, would this area be abandoned like the community in Texas, where they left rusting rigs and a decimated eco-system and damaged soil and crops.  An absolutely legit question... the representative started talking about jobs and the differences between the US and Mexico... WTF?  I was ready to explode.  I have never been so infuriated in my life.  Especially with the people in our government who are supposed to be protecting us.  The system is broken... 

For those of you who do not know much about hydraulic fracturing and natural gas drilling, here's a FAQ

How does hydraulic fracturing work?

Hydraulic fracturing or fracking is a means of natural gas extraction employed in deep natural gas well drilling. Once a well is drilled, millions of gallons of water, sand and proprietary chemicals are injected, under high pressure, into a well. The pressure fractures the shale and props open fissures that enable natural gas to flow more freely out of the well.

What is horizontal hydraulic fracturing?

Horizontal hydrofracking is a means of tapping shale deposits containing natural gas that were previously inaccessible by conventional drilling. Vertical hydrofracking is used to extend the life of an existing well once its productivity starts to run out, sort of a last resort. Horizontal fracking differs in that it uses a mixture of 596 chemicals, many of them proprietary, and millions of gallons of water per frack. This water then becomes contaminated and must be cleaned and disposed of (in other words "thrown away", there is no such thing as "away" and we are ALL downstream!!!).

What is the Halliburton Loophole?

In 2005, the Bush / Cheney Energy Bill exempted natural gas drilling from the Safe Drinking Water Act. It exempts companies from disclosing the chemicals used during hydraulic fracturing. Essentially, the provision took the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) off the job. It is now commonly referred to as the Halliburton Loophole.

What is the Safe Drinking Water Act?

In 1974, the Safe Drinking Water Act (SDWA) was passed by Congress to ensure clean drinking water free from both natural and man-made contaminates.

What is the FRAC Act?

The FRAC Act (Fracturing Responsibility and Awareness to Chemical Act) is a House bill intended to repeal the Halliburton Loophole and to require the natural gas industry to disclose the chemicals they use.

How deep do natural gas wells go?

The average well is up to 8,000 feet deep. The depth of drinking water aquifers is about 1,000 feet. The problems typically stem from poor cement well casings that leak natural gas as well as fracking fluid into water wells.

How much water is used during the fracking process?

Generally 1-8 million gallons of water may be used to frack a well. A well may be fracked up to 18 times.

What fluids are used in the fracking process?

For each frack, 80-300 tons of chemicals may be used. Presently, the natural gas industry does not have to disclose the chemicals used, but scientists have identified volatile organic compounds (VOCs) such as benzene, toluene, ethylbenzene and xylene. PLEASE GOOGLE THESE CHEMICALS FOR YOURSELF!!!

In what form does the natural gas come out of the well?

The gas comes up wet in produced water and has to be separated from the wastewater on the surface. Only 30-50% of the water is typically recovered from a well. This wastewater can be highly toxic.

What is done with the wastewater?

Evaporators evaporate off VOCs and condensate tanks steam off VOCs, 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The wastewater is then trucked to water treatment facilities.

What is a well's potential to cause air pollution?

As the VOCs are evaporated and come into contact with diesel exhaust from trucks and generators at the well site, ground level ozone is produced. Ozone plumes can travel up to 250 miles.



This hardly shows the severity of problems associated with hydraulic fracking, I highly, strongly recommend that you watch the movie "Gasland" by filmmaker Josh Fox.  Don't let our community, state, country, planet... become a toxic wasteland. We have only one shot - one planet - we're all here together, what affects one area WILL eventually affect everyone else.  Please help me, no... help everyone, including yourself, stand up to these companies and the government!!! 

Contact your local official!  Find him or her here: Contact Elected Officials .

31AM - Vivid Dreams

I feel lately (the last few months) that my dreams have been strangely real feeling, and when I wake up, it's like - Wow, so that was just a dream...  Ofcoarse by that time, I also realize that flying gorillas don't exist, but my dream seemed oh-so-real!  I sometimes feel more comfortable in my dreams or just imagining things than acutally being out in the real world.  I don't know when this happened, but I will change it. 

And to top things off, it snowed yesterday...  It's supposed to be spring, and it snowed...   :(   As a snowboarder, I do enjoy snow, but I'm done for the season - I'm ready for warmer temperatures and all the green. 

Oh!  I also finally didn't put up with my fiance's father's drunken bullshit.  He went to the doctor yesterday because his feet are PURPLE - because of his drinking. So we went down to their house a little before his dad was due home to ask how things went.  His dad finally came home... nearly two hours later and wouldn't say a thing about what the doctor really said; he just kept laughing and giggling - pretending it was all a big joke.  This infuriated me because a huge part of my anxiety comes from his drunken bullshit and worrying about his health.  I finally told him that I wasn't going to waste my time caring about him if he didn't care about me.  He continues to drain our family finacially and emotionally.  I'm done.  I can't let him keep creating stress in my life and letting myself deteriorate because of him. 

Onward, to the next phase in my life!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

30PM - "Energy Healing"

Well... it was my first time back to therapy in two weeks.  I didn't have much to talk about, I'm more at peace with myself these days... I've learned how to calm myself down and such, I'll go through some techniques that helped me another time.  But today my therapist wanted to do "Energy Healing"... As you already know - I'm an atheist, I don't believe in that sort of stuff - but I want to get better at any cost and I'm very open minded, so I agreed.  Basically what happens is I lie down on this bed / table.  And for an hour she goes through holding from my feet up to my head... Something about the transfer of energy, blah blah blah... I pretty much fell asleep... haha... After about fifteen minutes of lying still I couldn't help but start to doze off.  So that was a waste of $95 for my hour of therapy.  I think instead of going to therapy, my money would be better invested in a good massage.  That's something that really makes me feel better.  I love getting massages!!!   :D   Who doesn't though?... Anyway, I'm going to see another ENT (Ear Nose Throat) doctor to try and get my inner ear problems fixed.  I have a feeling that will help a TON.  I feel like if my ears were to suddenly unplug I would feel more "awake".  We shall see! 

Is there anyone out there reading that is at a similar stage?  Or has already been past this part of DP?  Or has anyone fixed their ears and had their anxiety / panic magically disappear too?  So many questions... so few people to answer...

Just to clarify, this blog is no means a closed journal... I would very much like if my readers left comments and started conversations with me or other readers.  This is a journey we are all experiencing - share what you can so that we may all benefit! 

And I need more submissions for my survey to get any real numbers!  I only have about five surveys turned in!!!  Please help out!  Help me help you!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

29PM - Birthday was great and I made another find about Anxiety!

My birthday was great!  Went out with my mom for dinner and drinks then shopping!  Friday I'm going out again with friends! 

But more importantly!  I discovered that inner ear problems and anxiety are closely related.  This is good news for me because my inner ear problems started to get bad last august... right before my anxiety took a turn for the worse!  I'm hoping I can get treatment for my ears and my anxiety will go away as well.  I've been having really bad ear problems as of late too, so I just want both gone!  I will make an appointment soon with an ear nose and throat doctor (ENT).  I will let you guys know how that goes when I get to that point.  For now I'm just going to relax and play some Starcraft!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

27PM - Back home!

Went out shopping today cuz I got birthday money!  I'll be 21 tomorrow!  Wooo!!!  Going out to dinner with my mom tomorrow then with my friends later on during the week.  I can't believe I'm spending my 21st birthday as a depersonalized person though... this sucks immensely.  I can't wait until I "wake up".  I must be doing somethings right though because I have gained five pounds in about two weeks.  That's a good sign, I had been losing weight for a long time, I was under 100!!! before I started really trying to fix myself.

That's all for now though, might take a bath or something... See ya!

27AM - End of the world!!! May 21! ZOMG

Well, I came across this shocking news today - according to a bunch of crazy ass christians - judgement day is on May 21 and the end of the world is October 21...  I have to say upfront that I'll be going to their christian hell.  That'll be fun...  Yup...  I don't understand how these people are allowed to interact with society.  Their heads aren't on tight enough or something isn't quite right...   O.o  

I don't know... but I do know I'll be one of the people with the popcorn watching all the craziness go down.  Free entertainment! 

I must clarify that I am not religious, I am an atheist. 

*An atheist loves his fellow man instead of god.

*An atheist believes that heaven is something for which we should work now – here on earth for all men together to enjoy.

*An atheist believes that he can get no help through prayer but that he must find in himself the inner conviction and strength to meet life, to grapple with it, to subdue it, and enjoy it.

*An atheist believes that only in a knowledge of himself and a knowledge of his fellow man can he find the understanding that will help to a life of fulfillment.

*He seeks to know himself and his fellow man rather than to know a god.

*An atheist believes that a hospital should be built instead of a church.

*An atheist believes that a deed must be done instead of a prayer said.

*An atheist strives for involvement in life and not escape into death. He wants disease conquered, poverty vanquished, war eliminated. He wants man to understand and love man.

*He wants an ethical way of life. He believes that we cannot rely on a god or channel action into prayer nor hope for an end of troubles in a hereafter.

*He believes that we are our brother's keepers and are keepers of our own lives; that we are responsible persons and the job is here and the time is now.

I'm just glad I'm not part of any organized religion.  I'm glad I'm free.  I practice tolerance unless intolerance is shown first.  My motto is "No tolerance for the intolerant".  And feel free to join me on May 21, I'll bring the popcorn.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

26PM - O.o

Well today started off crappy, but improved after my fiance and I spent the day out, just window shopping and being goofy...  Just being around people improves my DP by so much.  And I also think I'm going to scrap the blond hair idea... I know what you're thinking: WAIT!!! BUT YOU ALREADY BLEACHED YOUR HAIR!!!  ...Yes, but you didn't let me finish!  I think I'm going to have it colored... Bright RED! 

Won't that be fun???  ^^

I did some guesstimating today as well for my Germany trip... and I need a shit-ton of money soon... I'm going to have to work my ass off this summer to get everything I need in time.  Talk about stress!!!  I need to hit the lottery or something... meh... Oh! Also found a visual dictionary (German / English) today, it is AMAZING.  Where else will I learn the vocabulary?  I really think it will help.  I'm going to put together a list of my favorite german language books someday, for any of you who are learning the language or want to learn.  I have a pretty amazing collection.

Well, I'll let you know how things progress... I've been taking my vitamins on schedule again, so that's good.  We'll see where that takes me again.  I think for now though, I'm gonna go take a tea bath.  ^^

Friday, March 25, 2011

25PM - DP episode

Well I suppose my good streak lasted long enough.  I'm having moderate DP right now, and I almost let it get to me - I started thinking crazy thoughts because I was scared - but I came in here to write about it before I let it get out of hand.  I started wondering if I was really real and if I wasn't what would the purpose be of me doing all this work?  I know I'm just scaring myself, but I just want so badly to feel normal again.  I really need to get out more.  I want to get a job, I feel like that will help.  I've been so isolated lately - I know this is a factor of my condition.  I just need to keep my head up like I have been, that helps too... Maybe I'll go to the mall today.  ...Man I really need some friends. 

When I first met my fiance, I was in highschool.  My friends really disapproved of my relationship with him.  They told my parents when I was meeting him and where.  They just ratted me out.  Back then, he (my fiance) was the only person who really "got" me, and everyone in my life was doing everything they could to take him away from me.  My friends grew distant from me and I started keeping them even further away.  By the time I graduated highschool, I had no close friends.  I had also moved into Garrett's (my fiance) house by then as well.  I was in a new town with no one to turn to.  My parents shunned me; they were angry with me for the longest time.  So it's easy to see why I haven't started making a billion friends - I'm hesitant to trust people again.  But that situation is long gone and there's no way to betray me.  This whole ordeal really took a toll on me.  I'm suffering now for it.  I can blame whoever I want for getting me to where I am - BUT! it will be my fault if I stay this way.  I will have to just keep plugging along.  Soon enough I will come back as strong as ever!  Stay tuned!  :D

Thursday, March 24, 2011

24PM - Snuggling in for a movie soon...

...just wanted to get a few words in before I call it a day.  Well, everything is turned in for Germany... just waiting for them to send a letter of acceptance!  ;P  I know I'll get in just fine!  Made my famous alfredo sauce earlier over chicken, farfalle, brocolli and spinach... I'm drooling again just thinking about it...  Only eight ingredients and I already listed four of them in the last sentence... For anyone intested in trying it out:

I usually eyeball it, but I watched what I put in earlier (approx), and I made a shit-ton so I can have more later!

-3/4 stick of butter, heat it up - medium heat.

-Grind FRESH about 1 tablespoon of black pepper, add to butter, it will foam up a bit.

-Mince (or I prefer to put it through the garlic press) 3 good sized cloves of garlic and add to the butter also.

-Let the butter / pepper / garlic mixture simmer for about 2 minutes, don't burn the garlic!

-Add in a pound of chicken strips / cubes, allow to sear on each side 1-2 minutes.

-Add in about 2-3 cups of brocolli.

-Add in 2 pints of heavy cream.  (Trust me, use the heavy cream, don't skimp out!  Besides, this is the good kind of fat!  Your body needs it!)

-Allow cream to heat up to nearly boiling.

-Add in spinach, about... hmmm... 1-2 handfuls, as much or little as you like!

-Let simmer while stirring for 15-20 minutes.  Cook your pasta while doing this!

-After your sauce has reduced, add in a 1/2 pound of grated (Don't use Kraft - yuck!  I use Bel Gioioso) parmesean.  Stir in to melt and blend - takes about 1 minute. 

-Drain pasta and you're ready to eat!

I promise you this will be the best alfredo sauce ever!  :D  Makes my day THAT much better!  If you try it, let me know!  My fiance absolutely LOVES it.  Annnyway!!!  Time for me to go get comfy in bed for a movie... Think we're gonna watch "The Tourist" with Depp and Jolie...

24AM - Photos printed and ready to go...

Just got my pics printed out, just in time to drive to school and turn them in.  I woke up feeling horrid today, also woke up a few times last night with panic about the weirdest of things - thought about the possible effects of using bleach on my head and if it made me lose brain cells...  Yeah... I know, it's weird, but it happened... Luckily I was able to calm myself down and go back to sleep.  Lately I've had this feeling where I'm able to look out over my situation and think things like - "Heather, if you were to show up at the emergency room right now, and tell these people what you're thinking, they'd laugh at you.  It's absolutely rediculous.  You're fine!  There is nothing wrong with you!"  And it works.  Last night I thought about showing up at the hospital and telling them I thought my hair color caused brain damage, I heard myself saying it and realized how insane it sounded.  I know my thoughts are irrational, and I just have to reason with myself and let it pass, there's no other way.  I woke up this morning feeling out of it and a bit dizzy, but as soon as I was moving around for a few minutes I felt better.  I'd really like my fiance to drive me today, I'm just not feeling up to it.  We'll see what he says...   :P

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

23PM - Lighter Hair, Lighter Mood

...or so that's the theory!  I'm going blonde!  I sat at the hair salon today from 10:30am until about 4pm... Got a full head of foils, and I don't love it, but it's the first step in lightening my hair.  I'd put in a picture of my hair now and also a picture of the end result I want, but blogger is giving me problems as usual.  So for now, I'll just describe quickly - I want a medium ash blonde with highlights... My hair is naturally dark ash blonde / light ash brown, so the regrowth won't be a big deal. 

I'm just glad to be home now.  Long day... I still have to take pictures for tomorrow, and.... oh ... f^ck... I forgot to get photo paper while I was out...  I think I actually may have some free samples in my stash... Phew... Annnyway... Today was ok, I zoned out a bit while having my hair done, but I didn't let it get to me.  That's the trick, just letting the wave of anxiety flow through you, fighting it only makes it worse. 

I'll let you guys know how my pictures go tomorrow.

Monday, March 21, 2011

21PM - Finalizing paperwork for Germany...

I filled out the last of the forms today, just need a few passport photos now.  I can't believe I'm actually going to go!  I still feel like it's never going to happen, like it's some far off event, even though I only have five months or so to get ready.

I forgot to take my vitamins the last two days, and I don't know if it's just my mind at work, or if it's really because I forgot to take them, but I feel a bit icky - a little DP going on, slight headache...

Is it like this for other DP sufferers?  I feel more comfortable when I'm watching TV or thinking about memories or imagining how something would happen in real life... I always find myself trying to escape reality.  Then when I have to come back to reality and pay attention, I feel on edge... is this just me? Or do you guys feel like that too?

I really just can't wait for summer, so that I can relax and not worry about homework and responsibility.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

20PM - Progression of My Physical Symptoms

I know a bunch of you have been asking about this, and I'm more than happy to share!

When I first started having anxiety I would just have an upset stomach every or every other night.  Sometimes I would throw up and sometimes I wouldn't.

After a few months, these sensations of nausea would grow to include shaking / trembling.  I also started having ...well, diarrhea... gross, but it makes sense given that your body is under constant stress. 

A few months after that, I began having trouble breathing when I was anxious - I would have back pain and my chest would feel tight. 

And after about six months of dealing with all these symptoms put together, I began having DP.

My anxiety started about a year and a half ago.  Last summer I also had what I thought at the time was a seizure, but it turned out that when I had a panic attack my blood cells dropped all their calcium and my hands locked up, only for about five minutes with another five minutes of build up prior to the event.  Weird, but the doctor said that when the body goes into extreme panic it can cause blood cells to just drop everything, and when they drop calcium, what I went through can happen.  I could talk and look around, nothing else was affected, just my hands.  The EMT said that his girlfriend goes through the same thing, except hers is more extreme - she can't even move her head.  But luckily this only happened to me once, and that was almost a year ago.

Anxiety can cause almost ANYTHING.

I know many of you who read are like me and keep looking for an alternative reason for these symptoms, but trust me, there's nothing wrong with you!  I've had all the tests done - bloodwork, specialty doctors... you name it, I was there.  It's just anxiety, and you must realize it's all in your head before you can start healing and getting rid of these symptoms.  I had to go through all of this with no one to reassure me.  I'm here for you this time, I'm assuring you it's nothing more than your head trying to mess with you.  You'll just have to trust me on this one.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

19PM - Didn't win that damn HGTV Dream Home...

Well... there goes my night...  :(  I found that the winner was already announced for this year - totally ruins the fun of waiting for the premiere night.  But, oh well...

Oh yeah!  This morning our laundry room flooded because the plug for the pump somehow became unplugged...  Was wonderful...  Our house is falling apart and is so shoddily built it makes me want to cry / scream / run away and steal some one's nice house... 

Nothing I can do right now though, just hang in there and keep taking care of everything.  ... I've been taking care of everything from a young age.  I've been non-stop responsible from about age 3 and up.  I need a break... Just a small break...  I want to be taken care of for a change someday... Just be able to let go and relax while I know that everything will be ok for once.  I'm tired of scrapping by and still not having enough... I've built up about a thousand dollars of debt on my credit card for gas and food already over the last few months... Ever since I moved out of my parents house (or rather, I was kicked out) my parents have actually taken money from me rather than done anything to help me grow and move on as a person.  We've healed a few scratches from my teen years, not all yet, but still I recieve no financial help from them.  Now I may sound like an asshole here, because I know many are worse off than I, but my parents are bending over backwards to send my younger brother to college and finance him.  I have paid every penny for my schooling so far, and I'm going into my third year.  What's wrong with me?  Am I not a good investment?  What's so much better about my brother?  I have no weird feelings toward my brother, it's not his decision at all.  I know my parents love me, but these type of things (this isn't the only example, just the biggest so far) make me think that they love me less, like I'm just some cancerous tumor that they finally got rid of... 

That house would have been the answer to my problems... But I have to keep moving, keep breathing, keep living, even though I have trouble even feeling alive at times with this depersonalization crap.  I'll survive though, I hope. 

Sorry I've been so down lately, I'm just finally opening up to everyone I suppose.  Take it as a compliment!

Friday, March 18, 2011

18PM - Still cleaning... :\

Still working on gettting EVERYTHING cleaned up... Mostly the outside of the house now...

I don't know if I have mentioned yet that my fiance's father and mother are alcoholics, but that's a huge stressor on my life, especially since they live right next door... HA! And you think you have it bad, imagine living next door to your inlaws, and on top of that - they're alcoholics who run your life... And people wonder why I had high anxiety and DP... yeah...

His father is by far much worse off than his mother.  He is drunk 24 / 7, and is now waking up in the middle of the night to get a few shots... His mother gets drunk everyday at 4PM...  A lovely scenario I have, isn't it?  Anyway, his dad is not the same person anymore, from what I hear... He's always yelling about something, starting fights and just being a complete drain on this family.  He won't get help and hardly eats anymore.  He came up to "help" us clean up today, but instead just acted like a jackass. 

This man is going to get someone killed, it's just a matter of time.  He drives drunk, because he is NEVER sober.  I don't know what to do... call the cops? an ambulance?  I know the laws - I, or my fiance, or his mother can't force him to go or stay anywhere... So what do I do?  How can we help him before he kills someone?  ...or himself?  Has anyone ever dealt with anyone like this?  I don't know what to do or who to turn to... He's one of the major reasons for why I have anxiety and he just doesn't care. 

Anyone?

Thoughts?

18AM - My Zoloft withdrawl

I want to talk about my Zoloft withdrawl today.  I don't want people thinking they're alone when they experience these crazy and scary side effects.

     - I couldn't sleep
     - Nightmares
     - Tingly skin
     - Nausea
     - Felt like I had a fever
     - Felt numb to everything
     - Increased my anxiety

I know there is more, but I lost the paper where I wrote down my side effects as it happened.  But I just want you guys to know you're not alone, I experienced this too.  I don't recommend drugs at all.  I actually think Zoloft really kicked off my depersonalization because before it, it seemed like I would have a few episodes and it would go away, but after I took the drug, it seemed my DP really took hold of me.  These new SSRI drugs seem to be getting a ton of bad reviews, I'm here to add to that list.  There's something not quite right bout them.  Fight your anxiety and depression on your own, it'll be harder, but you'll actually cure yourself, rather than just cover up the problem.  The doctors / pharmaceutical companies just want you to be dependent.  But it is absolutely possible to recover on your own, without drugs... it just takes longer - but trust me -IT IS WORTH IT!!!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

16PM - Looking back on my progress...

I know I'm not entirely healed, and won't be for a while... but looking back to where I was one-two months ago... wow, what an improvement...  I was having multiple panic attacks per day, always thinking I was going to die or lose my mind... feeling just completely out of it 24 / 7...  I had no hope what-so-ever... I wasn't suicidal, but I wouldn't have cared if I died.  It was such a depressing time. 

I still often feel out of it, or my head feels "fuzzy"... But I much better off than I was...  My point is : Always keep hope, it might be all you have, but it is enough to pull you through.  Never let go of it.

I'd type more tonight, but I just typed a huge paper and made a HUGE powerpoint presentation for tomorrow... My hands are killing me.

16AM - It's already been a month!

I realized this when I went to type the title... and a 16 came up already with the title of my first post... haha, wow... 

I just wanted to make a note of my nail biting habit.  For awhile I didnt bite my nails at all, when my DP was bad.  I didn't do anything really, because I felt so out of it.  But I've had these little bursts of "waking up" and I'll bite my nails again... I know it's a bad habit and I want to quit, but for now it's a good sign.  I have therapy today, and I think after two weeks of considering this, I want to go to therapy every other week, instead of every wednesday.  I think I'm ready.  I feel so hopeful at times I could cry, haha... But I can't wait to start writing about other things that I'm passionate about instead of this horrible disorder...  I feel that day is closer than I think.  I am able to control my panic and anxiety so much better these days, just a little more and life will be bearable again, and a little more past that and life will be great again!  I'm on my way!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

15PM - Good day, again... :D

My fiance drove me to school today, I would have been fine, but my day is so much easier when I don't have to get worked up over driving.  It really ruins my entire day.  I'll get back to myself soon, but for now I like having the extra help.  I had a great day, saw my friends I went boarding with for the first time since we were at the mountain - had lunch and laughed a ton... Got an exam back for geology - got a 98%!!!  I have to give my speech on Thursday on the origin and use of oil / natural gas / coal... I picked the topic because I know most people have no idea what the stuff is made of and under the conditions it was made.  I also add in the dangers of continuing to use carbon based fuels like we have an unlimited supply.  Perhaps to practice my speech I'll make a video... hmmm... that sounds like a good idea!   :D  

I have a slight headache at the moment, but I'll live... Miraculously, I'm not thinking I have a brain tumor, just a headache... hmmm?  On a good path?  I'd say so...

Monday, March 14, 2011

14PM - Back to classes today...

Today was the first time I had to drive ...since, the last time I wrote about driving I suppose...  I was fine up until I started thinking about the way I felt the last time I drove... But I didn't let the thoughts take over, I didn't react or panic, and my DP went away a bit.  I also handed in my application to study abroad today.  I am now commited to go to Germany in the fall and stay for an entire year.  I'm excited, yet I hope I'm "better" by then...  I don't want it all to pass me by like I'm in a haze.  But I'm hopeful that I'll be fine.  I seem to be improving with all my techniques I have been using and my new diet hasn't hurt either.  Accepting that I have DP and ignoring it (letting it pass without panicking) seems to have been the most difficult step to my recovery.  Never lose hope, there is always a better tomorrow ahead. 

I'd like to talk about my Zoloft withdrawl soon as well, as I hear I'm not the only one who went through a rough SSRI withdrawl (even on the lowest dosage and only for four days).  I don't recommend drugs at all.  But that's another time... I think a video will supplement that well.  There's my project for this Sunday. 

Until later...

Sunday, March 13, 2011

13PM - Tylenol and Motrin...

Gotta love painkillers... Good news is that I felt better after taking 2 tylenols and a motrin.  Bad news is that I have to go back to classes tomorrow...  :\  I have no desire to go to class...  I'm ready for summer. 

Looking back to about a month ago, when I started this blog... man, what an improvement...  My panic had control of my life nearly every minute.  What a terrifying time.  By no means am I cured entirely yet.  But I do feel much better than a month ago.

Oh! I also started my protein powder yesterday.  No weight gain yet.  I am on average over 100 pounds now.  (I check daily.)  I feel like if I continue the path I'm on, I will recover all the way.  I still feel disconnected at times, when I let it get to me, or when I'm super upset... But overall I do feel like I am able to change myself and how I react and maybe one day I won't have anxiety or DP at all. 

Another thing that grounds me and makes me feel better is punching the shit out of the punching bag we have downstairs.  And what feels even better is if I speak my mind at the moment something happens that upsets me... I don't mean I speak without thinking though, I do however express myself.  No more bottling up emotions - especially anger. 

FILL OUT THE SURVEY!!! ...please... No one has written back yet...   :(   Makes me feel like no one is listening...

13AM - Ugh...

It's that wonderful time of month again... This definitely makes my anxiety spike... Not to mention I feel like I'm falling apart - my cramps are hell...  I woke up feeling like... well... shit.  So much so, that I don't feel like writing anymore.  ...Later.

Friday, March 11, 2011

11AM - SURVEY

DP / Anxiety / Depression Survey

Basics
1. Gender
2. Age

Environment
3. Do you have a roomate or someone you live with? (Pets?)  Who?
4. Do you have a significant other?
5. Do you live in the city? suburbs? country?
6. What is the climate like where you live? (Do you have 4 seasons? 2? Does it rain more often than it is sunny?)
7. How clean is your living space on a scale of 1 - 10?

Heredity
8. Do you know if anyone else in your family has struggled with anxiety, depression or another disocciative disorder? Who?
9. At what age did your anxiety / DP / depression begin?

Personality Traits
10. Are you more the type to bottle up anger? or speak your mind immediately?
11. Do you prefer spending time alone or with a bunch of people?
12. On average, how many hours per week do you spend alone?
13. On average, how many hours per week do you spend socializing?
14. What causes you to become anxious? (Multiple answers, please.)

Traumatic Events
15. Have you recently experienced any traumatic events? (Car accident, death of a loved one...etc)
16. Have you ever experienced a traumatic event? -->Has anything lately happened that could have triggered memories from said traumatic event?

Medication
17. Do you currently take any medication related to your DP / Anxiety / Depression?
18. Have you ever taken medication for said reasons? When? For how long?

Health
19. Do you currently take vitamins or supplements? How long have you been taking them?
20. Do you exercise? How often?
21. What does your diet typically consist of?
22. Do you sleep every night? How many hours?

Grounding Yourself
23. What seems to make your condition better?
24. Over time, how has your condition seemed to progress?
25. What seems to make your condition worse?

If you feel I have left any important questions out, or want to add additional information, please let me know! It all helps!

Email me your numbered answers or message me on youtube.

ObservationsOfAnEarthCitizen@gmail.com

Thursday, March 10, 2011

10PM - Anger and Anxiety - An Entangled Relationship

More and more I'm finding that anger and anxiety seem to be closely intertwined.  I'm the type of person to bottle up my anger rather than let someone know how I really feel.  It seems these types of people are more prone to anxiety.  As I somewhat explained before, I had a rough ride through my late teenage years.  I had a lot of anger bottled up, and I just packed it away... Never told anyone what I experienced or told my parents how what they did to me really affected me.  I learned this bottling up of anger during that time period.  I still hold in my feelings.  I was never that type, but I learned to be to protect myself.  Now I see that was a bad idea, as holding in so much can cause so many problems.  When you don't take care of yourself, you'll feel it, even if it is years down the road.  I'll look up some articles to post later...  Perhaps some of you can relate and find some help through this. 

I plan on being more vocal about what I feel now.  It never feels good to hold back what I have to say.  Something my therapist recommended was "pinning" my problems to my punching bag, and beating the shit out of them.  I'm not a violent person, and I was a bit perplexed by this, but I'm willing to try anything to help reduce my anxiety...  I'll be back later with that survey and some articles for you guys to read.

10AM - I'm back!

What a great trip!  I only had one small panic attack while I was out and I didn't let my DP get to me when I noticed it.  This was my first time out with new friends in nearly three years... and it was awesome.  We snowboarded / skiied for two days... and I snuck in a few hours at the spa - I needed it bad. 

I know I promised a survey yesterday, but we just got home yesterday... I intend on getting that survey up later today!!!  I'm posting my second video now, I didn't have time on Sunday to let it process, so I'm just putting it up now.  Sorry!  ...I look funny in it anyway...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

6AM - Yet another good night!

The house is finally clean... and I slept through another night without panic... I do still feel a bit distant and unconnected to things around me, but atleast it's not as bad as before.  Today my fiance and I are going up to a ski resort with a few friends for a couple days.  So I won't be here to write until Wednesday I believe.  I'm going to try to get up a video before I leave though... Wish me luck for the next few days!

Saturday, March 5, 2011

5AM - Another good night...

I slept great, woke up a few times to pee, and I was fine, no panic!  Last night my fiance and I went to Ikea.  I LOVE that store.  Before we left, I, ofcoarse, was nervous that I would have a panic attack while we were out.  But I know that if I stay home, things will be much worse. I have to keep working on breaking the cycle of having a "safe spot" here at home.  This is how DP and anxiety feed...

In other news, we have cleaned nearly the entire house up.  I cannot stand clutter.  I think that also adds to my anxiety.  So, I'm doing everything in my power to eliminate any source of stress.  And I do feel more relaxed at home now.  I don't stress over coming home to a messy house.  I heard on the radio from a study conducted that people who spend atleast twenty minutes a week cleaning up their home are twenty percent less likely to become depressed.  I believe it is absolutely true.  So no more messy house!!!

Today we finish the last of the cleaning, and we also have taekwondo later.  After all that, his parents are coming up (it is their property) to consider remodeling the master bathroom... it needs a ton of work!!!  It's bad!  ...just like the rest of the house...  :\

I'll update later, let you know how things went...  Oh! and if we do decide to do the bathroom, you can count on before and after pictures!

Friday, March 4, 2011

4PM - Back from the doctor

Nothing wrong with me... doc says the pain I was experiencing could be a cyst, or just feeling ovulation (...weird...).  I HATE going to the vagina doctor, hate it.  Today is much better than I anticipated.  Usually I'm freaking out when I have to go to the doctor or think there is something wrong with me, but today, I was pretty mellow.  I will continue being patient with myself, for now that's all I can do.  Tomorrow is more taekwondo!  And Sunday I'm going to a ski resort with a few friends to go snowboarding for a few days! -Spring break!!! Wooo!!!

4AM - First night with no panic

I woke up a few times last night, but with no panic! for the first time in three days!  I'll be leaving for the doctor in a just a bit... Hopefully all goes well.  I'll update when I get back... then I have to clean this messy house up.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

3PM - Health issues...

So tomorrow I have a doctor appointment.  I think I might have a UTI... I know you wanted to hear that, so there you are!  However, this is relevant because if left go for long enough, UTIs mess with your head... Wouldn't that be nice if my symptoms were just from a UTI???  I keep thinking about how relieving that would be.  But, my symptoms are likely my own doing.   :(  Just gotta keep plugging away at trying to getting better.
Last night I woke up in panic mode again...  I kept thinking about the weirdest things - like what's really in my head, 'cuz it feels like nothing is there.  I imagine I was freaking out a little, because usually I always have some ailment - a headache, upset stomach... and I woke up feeling normal - that's weird, haha.

To be honest I just want to get up and go to the doctor now, I want to know what this pain is.  It's a sharp but blunt-ish pain in my pelvic region... hopefully it's nothing serious.  I shall inform you guys later.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

2PM - Learning to slow down

Today I was reassured that people like myself - highly anxious, panic prone, and suffering from a dissociative disorder - do recover and live happy normal lives.  My therapist told me to be patient with myself - recovery does not happen overnight, even though I have taken countless measures to take control of my life again.  One way or another I will beat this. 

So on my way home from my session, I stopped at Rite-Aid just to fart around, as some would say.  I slowed everything down, there was no reason to rush home - it's messy anyway...  Bought some bath salts for later tonight - I miss soaking in the tub...  It was sunny out again too, that ALWAYS helps.  I'm just glad spring is right around the corner, I NEED it bad. 

Today was a decent day, just wish everyday could be just as good, or better!!!

2AM - Another icky wake up...

Just woke up fifteen mminutes ago... It seems the latest trend is waking up with high anxiety and panicking... This sucks. I also woke up at three this morning and couldn't fall back asleep because I just felt highly anxious and worried about it turning into a panic attack, not to mention the DP... I have to stop letting it control me, no more feeding the fear. 

I'm seeing my therapist today, so maybe we'll make some progress.  I'll let you know later.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

1PM - Better-ish Day

Today I spoke with one of my friends who also suffers from anxiety.  Felt good to know that I'm not the only one.  I know I'm not, but it seems the only other people are the ones on the internet - Don't get me wrong, it's a great supportive community, but talking to a real live person who can relate to you is great.  We both experience alot of the same symptoms and discussed how we cope. 

The sun being out was also a great booster, but I'm still feeling like I'm in a haze.  Atleast I haven't had any panic attacks lately.  Those are the worst.  Like I said yesterday - just proving to yourself that you can do something can be a good moral booster.  I drove again today to school and back.  The only thing I'm upset about now is the whole memory deal... I had exams today, yesterday, and one last week - it just seems that no matter how hard I study, I have a hard time remembering things anymore...  But I keep my head high because I know that once I deal with my anxiety and panic, these things should fade with time.

I finally got a comment on my Youtube! and a message!  I'm so excited!!!  :D  I don't feel so alone anymore on the interwebs - I'm making friends!  Yah!  I'm going to try to upload a video atleast once a week.  We'll see how that goes...