Well... there goes my night... :( I found that the winner was already announced for this year - totally ruins the fun of waiting for the premiere night. But, oh well...
Oh yeah! This morning our laundry room flooded because the plug for the pump somehow became unplugged... Was wonderful... Our house is falling apart and is so shoddily built it makes me want to cry / scream / run away and steal some one's nice house...
Nothing I can do right now though, just hang in there and keep taking care of everything. ... I've been taking care of everything from a young age. I've been non-stop responsible from about age 3 and up. I need a break... Just a small break... I want to be taken care of for a change someday... Just be able to let go and relax while I know that everything will be ok for once. I'm tired of scrapping by and still not having enough... I've built up about a thousand dollars of debt on my credit card for gas and food already over the last few months... Ever since I moved out of my parents house (or rather, I was kicked out) my parents have actually taken money from me rather than done anything to help me grow and move on as a person. We've healed a few scratches from my teen years, not all yet, but still I recieve no financial help from them. Now I may sound like an asshole here, because I know many are worse off than I, but my parents are bending over backwards to send my younger brother to college and finance him. I have paid every penny for my schooling so far, and I'm going into my third year. What's wrong with me? Am I not a good investment? What's so much better about my brother? I have no weird feelings toward my brother, it's not his decision at all. I know my parents love me, but these type of things (this isn't the only example, just the biggest so far) make me think that they love me less, like I'm just some cancerous tumor that they finally got rid of...
That house would have been the answer to my problems... But I have to keep moving, keep breathing, keep living, even though I have trouble even feeling alive at times with this depersonalization crap. I'll survive though, I hope.
Sorry I've been so down lately, I'm just finally opening up to everyone I suppose. Take it as a compliment!
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