Anxiety and Panic Recovery - Part 1 - Things to watch out for!

If you're here, then I assume you are already aware that you have a problem with anxiety.  Unless someone asks for symptoms or causes, I'm going to skip those subjects. 

I'm going to start with the beginning of a panic attack.  The next time you start to freak out, notice what your breathing is like.  Is it shallow?  quick?  What are you doing with your body?  Are you tensing your muscles?  Holding them in a flexed position? 

These are contributing factors to your body continuing to panic.  Something as simple as slowing and deepening your breathing can turn panic down a notch.  Relaxing your muscles will let your body calm down.  Close your eyes and focus on your breathing for a couple minutes - you will notice a change in your reaction to panic.  By slowing down your breathing, you can reverse increased respiratory rate and constriction of your chest walls - both reactions associated with the fight-or-flight response.

Trying to fight the panic will only make it worse.  I can personally assure you that this is true.  Accept that your body is reacting to the surge of adrenaline caused by panic.  If you can allow this rush to pass, your body will metabolize the adrenaline and your body will return to normal.  If you fight the panic, that will only aggrevate your state of being and prolong your panic attack. 

The most important part of this lesson is to keep practicing this!  Don't let your panic run wild!  You must retrain your body to react as it did before.  After a few weeks, maybe longer, your body will start to be able to handle breathing and relaxing your muscles on its own - but you must get into this habit. 

But, this is only half of the story.  If you're like me, you talk to yourself, thinking up all these crazy scenarios and scaring yourself further into panic.  All the deep breathing in the world won't help unless you can let go of those crazy thoughts.  They are not rational and they are not true.

A panic attack cannot cause heart failure or cardiac arrest.
A panic attack will not cause you to stop breathing or suffocate.
A panic attack cannot cause you to faint.
A panic attack cannot cause you to lose your balance.
You can't go crazy during a panic attack.
A panic attack cannot cause you to lose control of yourself.

To review...

Dont fight panic!
-Face the symptoms - don't run from them.
-Accept what your body is doing - don't fight against it.
-Float with the wave of a panic attack rather than trying to force your way through it.
-Allow time to pass.

Cope!
This feeling isn't comfortable or pleasant, but I can accept it.
This is an opportunity for me to learn to cope with my fears.
I'll just let my body do its thing - This will pass.
I've survived this before and I'll survive this time too.
This is just anxiety - I'm not going to let it get to me.
I can handle these symptoms or sensations.

I hope this helps! PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS!!! 

Next time - Exercise and Nutrition

28PM - Home from school!

Doctor called me back at around 1pm...  Said to stop taking the prednisone.  So no more headache!!! YAH!!!  And I'll probably be able to sleep tonight too ^^ . 

I'm watching Kiki's Delivery Service right now, and I have to go check to see if the new Naruto manga is up yet... So I'm off for now... then more homework!  I really look forward to writing more for you guys when school is done... I have so many subjects to cover!  I'm glad to be helping so many people... ^^

28AM - 17 hours after first prednisone...

So... I took my first prednisones yesterday around 2pm... and I feel like hell.  I didn't sleep all night, probably 2 hours - maybe 3, but that wasn't until about 4am.  My muscles ache, I feel weak, my stomach was upset all night, I peed every hour then every half hour, I was anxious all night - near panic attacks... It was/is horrible, I'm about to go call the doctor now, I just wanted to write down my symptoms in front of me so I didn't miss any of them... Gimme one minute...   ...F!  They're not open for another 20 minutes...  Well, I guess I'll have to let you know about that later then!

So now I feel like shit and I have to go take an exam and give two speeches today...  Ugh...  I do not look forward to the hell I have to face today...  I also need my fiance to drive me to school - I feel bad doing that but I'm screwed up right now...  Stupid drugs... 

27AM - End of the semester and a ton of shit to do...

I haven't been writing much lately because it is the last week of class, and I have (no exaggeration) a shit ton of work to catch up on and a shit ton of studying to do... 

I saw the new ear doctor yesterday... he said i have a eustation tube dysfunction, and has seen a correlation between it and anxiety.  But it might be one of those  "chicken or the egg" type things...  He prescribed me a much more powerful oral steriod to get things in my ear to heal up... I much rather prefer pills than that nose spray shit - Flonase.  That gave me headaches and made my eyes burn... also made my anxiety spike too. I also read that Flonase, for some people, caused loss of taste and smell!  Anyway, I'll be on steriods for 9 days... I'll let you all know how things progress for me. 

I just can't wait until next week is over...  I'm so done with school... I'll be able to relax again ^^ !

I've also been experimenting with essential oils and aromatherapy - When I'm done with finals, I'll post all my findings and start that "Overcoming Anxiety" series... I really have found ways to cope with my anxiety and DP...

Speaking of DP, I've had a few relapses of it, but for the most part, I FEEL REAL!!!  Still a little dizzy and foggy headed because of my tube dysfunction, but there's no mistaking that for DP, it's just my ears! 

Bottom line is - I promise to get things going again as soon as finals are done - next friday will be my last day!!!  Until then...

25AM - Too much work to do...

It is the last week of classes and I have so much damn work to finish up... I should be working now, but I figured I should write first as I haven't all weekend - it was easter... ugh... haha!  So here I am finishing up work that should have been done on Saturday and Sunday... but family insists on dragging me around...  Next time... well... next time I'll be in Germany!  :D 

I really should get to work... I'm wasting precious minutes here!!!

21PM - Stressful day...

As if finishing up the end of school wasn't stressful enough... and finals... and presentations... and yada yada...  Today, both of the employees at my fiance's family business quit.  One of them we'll call... Betty... was viewed as a daughter by my mother-in-law... My mother-in-law cared for this woman for nearly two decades... gave he money (tens of thousands of dollars!!!), places to stay (she now owns her own house, but she also owns my fiance's grandparents house - which was sold to Betty by my fiance's mother to help Betty out!!!), a job (for the last 17 years with a $75,000 salary!!!)... everything and anything she could ever need/want...  Lately Betty has been having problems with her father and her own health, my mother-in-law gave her all the personal days she needed!  And to top things off, she screwed with all the paperwork and passwords before she left.  It is a real estate title insurance and closing company, so not only did she screw us over, but also all the people trying to buy homes. 

2 weeks ago Betty asked my mother-in-law for $10,000 dollars... My MIL (Mother-in-law) said no, I don't have that kind of money now...  My fiance saw Betty's husband walking out of a loan company with Betty's uncle last week...  So you can pretty much figure out what is going here - she left our company to start her own... and she tried to screw us before she left today... 

My MIL is devastated.  She loved this woman as her own... I can't say that I didn't see something like this coming though - I had warned my MIL many times... I could just tell that this woman was a snake.  Something deep down in me was saying - don't trust her.  When I first started working with Betty, she would find any way she could to try to get me fired, and she eventually did... I was replaced.  She told blatant lies to my MIL and family. 

Needless to say I was a bit panicky all day.  It seemed like I couldn't do anything without feeling like I was going to have an attack or worry about irrational things... I don't know... It's all symptoms of my ears, so I'm just trying to ride out my symptoms until I see the doctor on tuesday.  I really hope that there is something that they can do.  I feel like if my ears were ok, I'd be ok... We'll see!

Until later...

20PM - I don't feel depersonalized right now... I feel real!

I actually feel real right now.  My heads a little cloudy but, that's to be expected with inner ear disorders... These are my hands typing... haha!  Figures... I finally feel real again, and I have to do homework.  WTF?!

I can't wait to go to the ear doctor next week... I feel like this could all be coming to an end... School is letting out in two weeks, my finals will be over... And summer is right around the corner...  Now if only there is something that can be done for my ears!!!

And I got some legos today... I LOVED playing with them when I was younger - I still do!  Who wouldn't want a bucket of legos?  O.o

Anyway, I HAVE to finish my homework for tomorrow, so I'll be back later! 

I'm going to start a series on working through depersonalization soon.  So keep your eyes open and your hopes up!  IT DOES GET BETTER!!!

18PM - Homework, Exciting news... and other boring things!

Well, good news first - The univerity I will study at in Germany has accepted me!  I got my letter today!  They said they'll send more things in July.

I'm procrastinating yet again... I should be doing homework, but with my ears the way they are, it's incredibly difficult to concentrate and stare at books / notebooks for long periods of time...  But I'm really trying to just plug along. 

I'll be seeing a new ENT next Tuesday... I can't wait... I'm really hoping they can do something for me right away or relatively soon.

Other than that, there's not many new things going on here... 

ATTENTION GERMAN SPEAKING READERS!!!  If any of you have experience in the German university system, please email me some tips! haha! I'm going to need some advice...

17PM - O.o

I have to appologize first... I've been very busy with procrastinating with schoolwork and such... Finding a new excuse everytime is tiring, ya know?

I felt GREAT for about two days... 13+14th... then I had two shitty days... 15+16th... My ears must be the reason for all this...  There is no other explanation.  Tomorrow I will make an appointment with the ENT... even though I don't like the one I'm going to - I really wish there was another great ENT in the area.  Maybe there is... I'll ask for a referal from my regular doctor tomorrow morning.  Summer is almost here and I am ready to get my life back and liev to the fullest. 

It's been two months since I started blogging... and I really must thank all of you who have given me hope and support.  I enjoy chatting with everyone and exchanging advice and stories - It REALLY helps! 

I'll be back to let everyone know what the ENT says about what they can do for my ears.  This is the final step I think... If I can just fix my ears, everything else will follow.  :D  Wish me luck!

12AM - Playing hooky!

Well... I am, but not to just skip school... I have a ton of work to catch up on and I'm currently procrastinating by writing this blog.  I have little motivation and want to go back to sleep.  But I only have a month left of school and I have to get it done.  And then there's all of summer to procrastinate and sleep.  After after summer is over I'M GOING TO GERMANY FOR A YEAR.  But... that's also mostly more work...  it will be mostly becoming fluent in the language, the last big push - I need it.  But I'm hoping that it will be relaxing as well.  I also hope that the panic / anxiety phase of my life will be over by then so that I can rebuild myself in an exciting new place.  Then I can come home ready to go and push through my year or two of college.  I am ready. 

I'm also feeling less jittery and anxious today - my worst period day is over and all that sugar I had is now out of my system.  I'm also going to start exercising.  My body needs it. 

I'll likely be back later to procrastinate more.

11AM - Mississippi River Problems

Good Morning!  As depressing as this topic is, it must be discussed. 

We all know the basic rule for water - it always flows downhill - Yah for gravity!  For this reason, water will always take the path of least resistance and the steepest quickest way down.  This holds true not only for the coffee you spillt on the road this morning but also for massive amounts of water as well - rivers.  For people not from Louisiana or the area around, Old River Control is something they've never heard of.  Basically it is a series of dams built to keep the Mississippi river from flowing into the Atchafalya river, a river that takes a third of the distance to get to the Gulf of Mexico than the Mississippi does (142 miles vs 335 miles).  So naturally, the Mississippi wants to flow down the Atchafalya. 

What's so wrong with keeping the river from taking a different path you ask?  The coastline where the Mississippi delta currently is keeps growing and growing due to all the sediments it carries being deposited there.  But the coastline where the Atchafalaya lies is being eroded faster than the river can replenish it.  Also... remember how I said that when people fight mother nature, mother nature ALWAYS wins?  Many experts predict that the Atchafalya will eventually capture the Mississippi.  I find it also inevitable.  How would life change after the Mississippi took a different path?  

The following excerpt is a description of possible life after the switch is from Kazmann and Johnson (1980:10-16).

"In the aftermath of the huge floods that would cause the main flow of the river to jump to the Atchafalaya River, aside from the cost, anxiety, tragedy, and aggravation of dealing with massive amounts of water being in the wrong place, there would be lingering issues that would change the way of life on the lower Mississippi.  Instead of 70% flow down the lower Mississippi and 30% flow down the Atchafalaya, the percentages would probably reverse.  The Atchafalaya would be a rushing, raging river, even during the fall for a period of time until it scoured the channel and filled in the lower reaches so that the flow would diminish.  Morgan City would have to be relocated, as would other communities and many businesses, possibly including the massive infrastructure of the offshore oil and gas industry.  Fisheries would be altered measurably all across the delta.  Oyster reefs would be immediately destroyed, and would take several years to reestablish and become productive (no erysters!).  It would probably take two decades to adapt to the new environment around present day Morgan City.  Additionally, pipelines, bridges, and the like that cross the Atchafalaya would be destroyed or rendered unsafe.  The ruptured natural gas pipelines would place stress on fuel supplies for energy companies, but they would quickly change to more costly fuel sources and have little or no interruption of service.  Imagine the traffic jams when and if bridges on I-10, U.S. 90, and U.S. 190 collapse (what about the railroads)?  All trans-state traffic would have to be rerouted to I-20 via I-55 through Jackson, Mississippi, adding up to 615 miles to the trip (not to mention time delays from the traffic jams).   The protective levees of the Atchafalaya Basin would have to be upgraded to handle the new pressure from spring flows.  And, oh my gosh, think of the negative impact on the crawfish supply!

The lower Mississippi would still have a copious amount of water, but it would be slack compared to today.  Shipping could continue to be an important industry, but it would be interrupted for a time.  The slack water would allow (cause) the thalweg to fill in and stop deep-draft shipping.  However, after intensive dredging efforts it may be found that a 50 ft channel can be easily maintained because of the tremendous decrease in sediment.  New Orleans, possibly Baton Rouge, and all other cities and towns along the lower Mississippi would no longer be able to get their drinking water from the river.  It would become too salty, since the lower fresh water flow would not offset the tidal movement of the Gulf.  Can you imagine the cost of piping or trucking enough drinking (and flushing, etc.) water from north of Lake Pontchartrain to supply the needs of Greater New Orleans?  Can you imagine Greater New Orleans without water for drinking and sanitation?  Even when the water was just barely increasing in salinity, there would be severe damage to water heaters, fire sprinklers, fire truck pumping systems, and more.  The quality of our coffee!  As mentioned above, the fisheries (especially those associated with the fresh water river) would suddenly change.  And what about the massive petrochemical industry corridor?  Aside from the impact on shipping, which they could weather over time, industry could no longer use fresh river water for thermo-electric cooling.  The saltier water would corrode all the pipes and related instrumentation.  Of course, industry would change to salt-tolerant materials, but that would be costly and time consuming.  Also, the sugarcane industry would have problems without sufficient fresh water.

All of this adjustment, and we have not delved into the intensity of impact on people's lives during the crisis and the adjustment period.  All normal routines would stop.  Businesses would be closed, as would schools, normal government, etc., etc.  Virtually the entire population would spend months and months just coping - just putting their and others' lives back together.  Imagine the emotional strain to the population - people losing a lifetime of accomplishment.  This would be a tragedy of monumental proportions.  It would interrupt life much like World War II. 

One can also imagine the impact on the nation.  Massive use of Federal dollars to protect and restore Louisiana's infrastructure.  Loss of natural gas (there would be brown-outs throughout the eastern seaboard).  Commerce would be interrupted by restriction of travel and Louisiana=s inability to focus on supplying items traditionally demanded from her natural resources by the nation.  Prices of all Louisiana products (from the natural resources [fisheries, oil, gas] to industrial products [poly vinyl chloride, polyethelene, etc.]) would soar.  The interruption of the pogie fisheries would be very negative for such food industries as chicken, catfish, and hogs (see the last section of the notes).  New Orleans is one of the most important ports in the nation, and it would suddenly cease to function; all shipping and related industries on the Mississippi River would stop.  International trade would be further imbalanced.  The massive fertilizer business would shut down and the agriculture industry would falter. 

And what about the economy of south Louisiana?  For a period of time, all the revenue would dry up and tourism would collapse.   Even Mardi Gras would possibly come to a halt!!!   Only the mosquitoes would do well!  And probably the cockroaches and Formosan termites. 

Long term, we would adapt.  Once the drinking and sanitation water issues were resolved, tourism would return.  Coastal erosion could be reversed on the west side of the present-day Mississippi River.  Shrimp, oysters, and other fisheries would probably flourish after a number of years due to new marshes being produced and nutrient rich sediments being redistributed.

This would obviously place a lot of stress on at least two generations of residents.  We would survive, but it would be a new Louisiana and Mississippi River delta. 

What condition might potentially lead to this scenario?   Experts predict that the ORCS might fail if the snowfall between Saskatchewan and New York exceeds that of the winter of 1972-73."

Just take a minute and look at the scenario WE have caused for ourselves.  We have to continue to pump millions of dollars into keeping the rivers separate because of the bad choices we have made.  Our tax dollars. 

Now... the levees... you might think these are a good thing, but then you would be mistaken.  The levees only multiply the severity of flooding and other problems. 

Think of all the roads around your house... and the parking lots... and buildings... what happens after a huge rain storm?  They all have drains, correct?  So instead of the soil absorbing all this rain water, it is directly transported to the sewer system and from there to the river.  We have NEVER had faster flooding before in history.  The amount of water dumped into the Mississippi is only growing day by day.  As we pave more roads and build more houses and make more parking lots... the problem gets worse. 

The levees hold all this water back from the banks where the flood waters like to go.  Nature usually takes care of floods herself and the water is absorbed by miles and miles of the flood plain.  And with so much water now being directed to the Mississippi, each levee, which is the length of the Great Wall of China, on each side must continue to be built bigger and higher... with OUR tax dollars.

Another problem created by the levee system is that all the sediments in the river that are usually deposited on the flood plain are now being channeled down the river instead.  The flood plains are becoming less fertile, but the main problem is that this nutrient rich water is being directed right into the ocean...  Algae are eating up these nutrients, mass spawning, mass dying, and after they die, they sink.  As they sink the devoid the water of oxygen, making what fishermen call a "deadzone".  (This is also how most of our oil / natural gas / coal was made, but that's another story for another day.)

 

Water from all these areas...

 The last problem I would like to bring up is that New Orleans must be constantly dredged now because the sediment of the river begins to drop on the river bed before hitting the ocean.  This also costs a ton of money.  OUR money.

I hope this gets your head gears turning, because this is only the beginning of problems we've created.  I only mention tax dollars so much because for some people, the problem itself is not a problem to them.  If there is money involved, some may think twice about it. 

Well, that is my rant for this morning...  hehe... see you all later...

10PM - Back from Geological Excursion with a massive sugar induced headache...

Why do I do this to myself?  I felt kind of shitty eating sugary foods earlier, but they tasted sooo good...  And I'm paying for it now - huge headache... It's that type where it only hurts or throbs if I'm moving around alot.  Ugh...

Anyway... my geo lab professor took us to Erie, PA today, more specifically Presque Isle.  Was a fun trip, but sad to see what the shoreline engineering has done to the place... and we only saw the least damaged places.  Travel down the shore a few miles, you'll find concrete with jagged rusty rebar sticking up all over the place with "homemade enhancements" such as refrigerators.  The lake has been pulling the shoreline back into itself along with houses for quite some time now.  People resort to blocking the waves with appliances or anything they can to prevent more erosion. 

These homeowners call their insurance companies - "Hello? Yes, I need to speak with someone about flood damage...".  The definition of a flood is that water has breached your foundation.  However when the insurance company finds out that the opposite has happened - The foundation fell into the water... The insurance company says "NO. Not paying for that!".  So these frustrated homeowners write to the state... asking for money to fix their home and build a wall...  The state tells them the same thing - we only deal with state owned land, not privately owned.  However, there are quite a few sea walls built around lake Erie protecting homes and many other buildings...  These walls need CONSTANT matinence...  there's no such thing as "the budget doesn't allow for fixes this year..." - NO SUCH THING.  You don't mantain the wall, you lose the entire investment and then some. 

All this matinence and prevention costs an arm and a leg.  Our tax dollars.  We continue to pay for these idiots to buy and build homes directly on or very near the shore...  Why?  Why keep letting them rebuild and charge US the bill?  I see only insanity. 

Same thing along the Mississippi River... we know that the river floods every damn year, and REALLY bad about every thirty years... Why does the government fund these MORONS who build their trailers in the FLOOD PLAIN???  Why do WE pay for all this?  Why continue to build levees and such that DO NOT WORK?  What's so wrong with letting nature take its course?  You can't fight mother nature and expect to win, she will KICK YOUR ASS.  Hard. 

Tomorrow I'll add in a few problems about the Mississippi River that I'll bet you have no idea about, yet these problems will be catastrophic very soon.  :(

8PM - Back to the ENT

I've decided that I want to go back to the ENT (Ear Nose Throar) doctor.  My ears are horrid and have been horrid since about August.  My first diagnosis was labyrinthitis... I have just done research regarding the link between the two and found that a bunch of people also have labyrinthitis induced anxiety and panic.  :(  Why does no one tell you these things?  I need to have my ears taken care of immediately.  Maybe then everything will go back to normal.  I've been able to think my way through things, but I still feel icky...  My head is always clogged and I just don't feel like me... 

When I think about going to the beach and close my eyes, I feel better... anytime I think of something nice I feel better.  To the ear doctor!  She seemed like she was in a rush last time and I didn't get to ask many questions.  I was told that it would go away on it's own within about six months though... It has been about seven months... Yeah...  We'll see... I'm so tired of having to deal with this B/S all the time though.  This isn't me... I'm not that person who spends most of the day worrying about panic attacks or every little detail that bothers me.  That's not me.  I'm the fun spontaneous type who's last worry is worrying itself.  I'll get back to that point... in time.

Labyrinthitis Info

Bible Breakdown - The Book of Genesis : Chapters 1 - 2

As a geologist and scientist, the first chapters of genesis are nothing more than amusing to me.  I have a pretty good idea of how the earth was made as all evidence present here on earth points to one solid theory
(In science, theory is a strong word.  It does not mean a hypothesis as many people assume.), however I was not here to witness the beginning of Earth.  But I do know that it did not just appear as the first chapter of genesis implies.  I will not spend much time here.  However I have found an inconsistency.  From now on, I will mark inconsistencies with *'s. 

*Genesis 1:3 - "And God said: Be light made. And light was made."
Genesis 1:14 > 1:6 - "And God said: Let there be lights made in the firmament of heaven, to divide the day and the night, and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days and years. To shine in the firmament of heaven, and to give light upon the earth. And so it was done.  And God made two great lights: a greater light to rule the day; and a lesser light to rule the night: and the stars."

So what this says is that God created light before he created the sun.  This inconsistency is actually consistent with the order in the ancient egyptian creation story of Hermopolis.  Isn't that funny?  You can read more here.*

Just a few remarks for chapter two... 

 Genesis 2:19 - "And the Lord God having formed out of the ground all the beasts of the earth, and all of the fowls of the air, brought them to Adam to see what he would call them: for whatsoever Adam called any living creature the same is its name."

What?  Was the writer too lazy to name the creatures of the earth and describe them?  And why even discriminate between two types of animals and give the types names before Adam has named them?  Fowls and beasts...  Perhaps instead of dividing the animals into groups based on their ability to get around, he might have wanted to base the group names on color, size or even what noise the animal makes...  So why not just say "brought all the creatures" ?  Oh and they already mentioned "fish" too... that kind of ruins the fun for Adam.  :(

Moving on to the end of chapter two, we see the beginning of sexism in the bible.  Eve is created from Adam's rib bone.  Not much more to say yet.  We'll get into much heavier and absolutely deporable acts of sexism later on.

So basically anyone educated beyond the sixth grade level in science can see that the first two chapters of genesis were made to explain the unexplainable (at that time).  This sort of thing has been done all throughout history.  However I find it hard to understand why anyone with access to modern science still  believes in the christian creation story.  I'm baffled. 

Bible Breakdown - Introduction

While the bible contains some beautiful poetry and a few wise thoughts, it is filled mostly with racism, sexism, hatred and cruelty.  I ask you to join me and follow along with a mature and open mind.  In a world where religion plays such an important part in the making of laws and how people live their lives, it is important to take time to read the books that these religions are based upon. 

I have read the bible twice before, this will be my third time.  If you have time to read and follow along, do so!  If you're an atheist (as I am), do so!  If you're a christian, do so!  If you're a muslim, do so!  If you're a human being, do so!  Can't get out of that one!  This is an important subject.  Set aside some time!  I won't be going at a very fast pace - we're going for quality here, not quantity!

Lastly... This is meant to invoke thought.  Share your findings, not hate!

FINALLY!  ...Let's begin...

8AM - Plugged ears

I hate when my ears are all plugged up.  Not only is it just plain uncomfortable, but... it also drives me crazy... i think literally.  I've been observing lately that when my ears start to bother me, my panic and anxiety aren't far behind!  Had I known this before, I think alot of panic could have been avoided.  As I said earlier somewhere on this blog - I feel like if my ears suddenly "drained" or went clear, I would feel alot better.  I'm going to give my ears another week or so - I'm thinking that this ear problem has something to with the cold weather, so I'll wait until it gets warmer... then play it by ear.  Ahahahaha!  Get it?  GET IT???  Oh man... I am hilarious... ... ... ... Moving on...  :P

I've been meaning to start doing a Bible breakdown and Koran breakdown, but as you can see, I've been delayed in doing so.  But later on today I'd like to get started. 

That would only be one topic I'm interested in discussing... I'll get to the environment soon though!  This is the whole reason I started this blog - I am an observer of what happens here on this planet, I refuse to water down things and sugar coat them.  Things are what they are.  We're all adults - lets discuss important subjects like so.

My intentions are not to offend anyone, but I realize in discussing certain subjects that my intentions will not matter.  People will find ways to be offended, but I'm trying to incite thoughtful and tolerant discussion, not hate wars. 

...Wow this got heavy real quick... Aaaaanyway...  :D 

I'll be later!

7AM - Nightmares and panic...

As you all (should) know by now, I am a geology student.  As a geologist in training and because of Japan's latest disaster, I'm learning much about earthquakes, tsunamis and nuclear power.  With all this being jammed into my head lately, it was only a matter of time before I had a tsunami nightmare. 

I dreamt I was at a beautiful hotel swimming in the ocean.  I came back up on the beach to look out over the sea and soon to be sunset.  The water started running back towards the ocean, revealing all sorts of treasures.  I immediately knew what was going on - I grabbed my fiance and as we started to run for the hotel we were yelling "GET OUT! GOT TO THE HOTEL!".  But the noise from the people and the water surging backwards was too loud for us to be heard.  Some people saw us running and followed... but when we all got back safely into the hotel high up, we watched as hundreds of people were crushed by this huge tsunami wave.  I don't know why, but we all started to block doors so that the water couldnt get into the hotel.  We wait back and watch to see if our blockades would stand up to the waves.  Somehow, there were still people alive between waves that wanted in, and we had to take down the blockade and let them in, then rebuild the blockade before the next wave blasted through. 

By this time I had woken up in complete panic.  I got up to go brush my teeth (something I do to try to keep my mind off things).  I went to get a drink of water.  It was so dark that I was stumbling around knocking things over, just trying to calm myself down.  At one time I saw a dark spot on the wall in the shape of a human and thought what if it's a guy? or a ghost??? (I don't know where I came up with that one... especially being that I'm an atheist! haha!) . . .  But I was scared and shaking when I laid back down.  Just trying to breathe slowly.  Trying to fall back asleep. 

I did fall asleep eventually, slept for another two hours... I've been awake for about an hour now. 

Last night I did some research on massage therapy and panic... as I have done before, but I was wondering if my insurance would cover it perhaps?  Didn't get too far, but I know I'd like to start regular massages.  Also did a bit of research on aromatherapy as well.  My fiance acutally has a bunch of oils, so I put some lavender in a cotton puff and put that in a cup on my nightstand last night.  I really couldn't smell it unless I held the cup to my nose.  But when I did smell it, it was relaxing.  I'll have to find a more efficient way.

I imagine my anxiety is up because I'm close to my period... as I explained before period = hormones = extra emotional = anxiety...  Horrible cycle...  I hate period to begin with, why add on this extra b/s?  :\  Meh... nothing I can do, nature does what nature does...  Well I have homework to do... I likely won't even go to class today because I have so much to finish up on.  Won't have time this weekend because one of my geology labs is taking an excursion!  More on that later though!

6PM - Better day

Went out to lunch with my dad, was nice.  Mostly talked about Germany plans and $$$... 

Slept fine last night too...  Head still feels groggy, and I still have some panic here and there... but I just have to remember that it's a panic attack and nothing more, then it goes away.  I imagine that I will be going back to the ENT soon if my ears don't clear up soon.  Other than that, everything is ok...

I have german hw to do now, but I really, REALLY don't feel like doing it...  but I have to, meh...  Maybe I'll sit in the tub and do it... that would be nice... until I drop my book in the tub.  :D

Ah well...  I post tomorrow to let you guys know how tonight goes.

5AM - Well... I woke up in panic a few times last night!

I had a feeling I might... It's getting to be that "special" time of the month again, with a wonderful spike of hormones!  I was watching the show Baggage... I'm addicted... and after it was over I started to feel a bit distant... sooo... I 'bated and fell asleep.  But in the middle of the night I woke up freaking out and had a bit of trouble calming myself down.  Now I just woke up fifteen minutes ago and shook most of my morning panic off... I hate this. 

Ok... I know this is absolutely irrational, but I have to tell you guys... Last June I was scratched / perhaps bitten by a stray cat.  I went to the doctor, she gave me antibiotics...  she didn't even think about the possibility of rabies...  Which I've been terrified of ever since I was bitten by my Totoro cat, when he was a kitten I picked him up off the road.  The doctor I saw back then told me that if the cat was rabid he would have died within 7-10 days...  Apparently animals can only transmit rabies when it starts to kill them, it remains dormant during the incubation time.  So this cat that bit me last June disappeared for like a month... that whole time I'm wondering if it had rabies and in turn if I had rabies... a month later it came back meowing like usual, stayed for a few days, then left again.  So I really don't think I have rabies, but when I started having panic I think "What if rabies is causing this? Am I going to die?" .  I guess I just need a doctor to tell me again that I will be fine... that usually puts my mind at ease - having a professional tell me that nothing is wrong. 

But in good news, I'm getting really excited about my Germany trip.  I still seems surreal.  But I'm now making lists and such for my trip - that takes my mind off things for awhile.  I just hope my panic and DP is gone by then.

4PM - Haven't written in a few days, sorry!

I went out with my friends Friday night to celebrate my big 21!  We ate at the Pittsburgh Hofbrauehaus and then went out clubbing... I had the best time I've had in years.  I only had a few sips of dunkel Bier, I really have no interest in alcohol, let alone getting "wasted".  I had an amazing time none-the-less (ofcoarse)!

Here's the great part - yesterday and today, I've been feeling bursts of "realness"... I'm so excited that this may become permanent once again!  If I get better I promise myself that I will never let myself get down to the point where I was four months ago.  I will never go through this again if I have a say in it. 

I can get back to doing the things I enjoy! 

...Like making videos... with my broken-ass camera... Yeah... sorry about the lack of videos lately, but my OLD camera is broken AGAIN... I'm saving for a new one, so I'll be back on air ASAP.  Hang in there!

I posted a comment on this old evangelical man's video earlier... His video was basically him blabbing about marriage and being an old bigoted, hateful fart.  I posted something like: "If you have the time to be posting hateful videos, then you should be using that time to find love and share it."  I know I can't change these people, but I hope that my message gets through and maybe makes them think, even if it is just a bit. 

Well... I'm off to get a shower...

...until later...  <3